First, I want to address this to my lovely, beautiful, intelligent daughter Keara....
Keara, I have made so many mistakes in life. So many mistakes in your life. Some of the worst decisions I've made in life concerned the men I chose to share parts of my life with. The results to you have often been disastrous. You've learned not to trust men and to always look for the other shoe to fall. You've learned that men will use you to get what they want, then discard you. You've learned that men will stick around while it benefits them, but when things get hard and they can no longer have all they had before, they will leave. These things you've learned, not because all men are this way, but because these were the men I brought into your life.
I am so very sorry my beautiful daughter. I am so sorry that my own dysfunction has already altered your beliefs about this world. I am so sorry that I didn't deal with my own issues long before you came into this world, so that you would not be tainted by them.
Keara, I know that all men aren't this way. I know that there are good men out there that will stand by their woman, be there for them, love them, and know them better then they know themselves. You've seen these examples. Maybe they didn't all start out that way, but they chose to be that way at some point. There aren't many that we know, but there is Dennis with Laura.. There is Opa with Oma. Although it hasn't panned out yet, I believe that John will be in this category as well with Mickey.
Keara, you deserve a man that knows you better then you know yourself. A man that takes the time to learn all your secrets, not to hold them against you, but to be there to support you when you free them. You deserve a man that cherishes you so much that any harm that comes to you would come to him as well. A man that puts your interest and well being above all else. You deserve a man that will go out of his way to make sure he knows what you need, without your ever having to ask for it. You deserve a man that truly, unconditionally, beyond a shadow of a doubt, loves you for all time to come.
Keara, let my mistakes not be in vain. Please, take your time. No man will ever be able to validate you, increase your own self esteem, or make you feel truly accepted. No man has the power to make you feel worthy, beautiful, or OK. There is not a man on the planet that can ever make you feel "good enough". These things are within you already and I pray that you delve deep inside and find these things long before you start looking for the man to marry. You have your whole life ahead, and the decisions that you will soon start to make regarding dating and marriage will impact every aspect of your entire future life. Choose well my beautiful child. Learn from your mother's mistakes and do not repeat them.
I want you to watch a video my beautiful dove. I want you to notice, not the time, or energy, or money that the man put into this video but instead, how well he already knew the woman he was asking to marry him. He knew what she liked, what she wanted, what was important to her, how to make her laugh and how to make her cry. He knew HER.
This my love, this is what I want for you one day.. I love you Keara, and I am so sorry that your perception of what love truly is has been so warped by my own choices and dysfunction. You and your brothers are my everything. You three have taught me what unconditional love and unconditional forgiveness is. I wish I had known these things before I became a mother, yet without you three I would have never known. I love you sweetheart, and want you to have the most amazing life filled with true, unconditional love, unconditional forgiveness, and unconditional respect.
As for my two boys, I want so much more for you then you've seen. I want you to grow up to be the men that God created you to be, not the type of men I've allowed into your lives. You both have so much to give and such huge hearts.
Keegan, your health issues have enabled you to have a compassion for those that others ignore. Your Asperger Syndrome has given you insight that others will never have. You are so very perfect and you don't even see it. You are the most loving, compassionate, humble, and amazing teen that I know and I am so flipping proud to be your mother. Remember, no one else reflects on your self worth. You were created a child of God and are exactly what you are supposed to be. Embrace who you are, it is so very beautiful and I hope you never lose sight of it.
Pookie, I think that your love of women is already pronounced and well known. :-) I have no doubt that you'll charm the socks off of the ladies. Remember son, a woman is a delicate and strong version of you. Your respect is of upmost importance. Respect her always and she will blossom and grow to be all that God created her to be. You are to be her protector. Remember to know her better then you know yourself and love her always.
I love both of you and I am sorry that your lives have been so difficult. As I told your sister, learn from my mistakes and go on to live a beautiful life full of unconditional love, unconditional respect, and unconditional forgiveness.
I love you three so very much. Always remember that, even after I am gone. I will live on in you each time you show respect, love and forgiveness. In those things I will reside with you forever and be with you, long after my physical body fails me.
I love you three so flippin much, there are just no words to express it.
Your mother always,