Paths From My Soul

I'm only human.......

2012-02-09T00:48:00.000-05:00

My Truths versus God's Truths

2012-02-02T13:48:00.001-05:00

Truth is.....I'm NOT strong, I CAN'T do this on my own, I am NOT an inspiration, I DON'T know what I'm doing, AND I KEEP messing things up worse.

God's truth: You don't need to do it on your own, and if you seek God for wisdom, He will give it to you.

“I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency]”. Philippians 4:13 Amplified Bible

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13 NIV

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5 NIV

Truth is.....I DON'T always know what God is telling me to do, I DON'T know how far off His path I am, how to get back to it, or even if I'm anywhere close to it. I'm am weak, scared, and lost.

God's truth: God's path may be closer than you think.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV

Truth is....I'm scared of the consequences of the times in my life I did not listen to Him. I'm scared of what's going to happen and if my disobedience, even when it wasn't intentional, is going to result in more difficulty and pain.

God's truth: The promise to Israel can be applied to us when we have been disobedient...note what the last couple of verses say.

“After you have had children and grandchildren and have lived in the land a long time—if you then become corrupt and make any kind of idol, doing evil in the eyes of the LORD your God and arousing his anger, I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you this day that you will quickly perish from the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess. You will not live there long but will certainly be destroyed. The LORD will scatter you among the peoples, and only a few of you will survive among the nations to which the LORD will drive you. There you will worship man-made gods of wood and stone, which cannot see or hear or eat or smell. But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul. When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the LORD your God and obey him. For the LORD your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your ancestors, which he confirmed to them by oath.” Deuteronomy 4:25-31 NIV

Truth is....I feel like I've been paying for YEARS for mistakes I made, and sins that were done unto me. I feel like I keep making one bad decision after another because of the fear that comes from those past mistakes and sins.

God's truth: If you are paying for them, is it because you are still hanging onto them instead of releasing them to God? What barriers of protection have you erected (out of fear) that not only keep people out, but also keep God out?

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:6-7

Truth is....I'm scared that God is making me pay for all my sins and that it's only going to get worse.

God's truth: God does not treat us as our sins deserve, but Satan wants you to believe this about yourself.

“The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103:8-12

“Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:'Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Messiah. For the accuser of our brothers and sisters who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down.'” Revelation 12:10

Truth is....I keep telling everyone else how much God loves them, the beauty He sees in them, and that He doesn't see damaged goods........but every time I look at myself, all I see is damaged goods.

God's truth: God does not see damaged goods and He wants you to see like He sees.

“How amazing are your thoughts concerning me, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you.” Psalm 139:17-18

Truth is....I am scared to death of what is going to happen today, or tomorrow.

God's truth: God is in control and wants you to turn to Him.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:25-34

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

Truth is.....I haven't really had any good real life examples of what I should be doing, who I should be loving, how I should be believing, how I should be living.

God's truth: In real life, maybe not. But the Bible gives us Jesus as the perfect example.

“Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.

His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.” 2 Peter 1:2-8

Truth is.... I don't want my children to grow up to be like me.

God's truth: Then teach them instead to be like Jesus...make the most of every opportunity to get them in a Christian environment and learn to model Christlikeness to them. One of the most amazing things to show your kids is how you too are a sinner and saved by grace.

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:8-10

Authors: Melissa Basinger and Dennis Welch

15 Years Later

2012-01-31T00:15:00.000-05:00

It's odd the things you remember inlife.

I was in the passenger seat of an old,green Ford pickup truck. We were in the drive-thru at Burger King andI was insisting there was no way that I could eat anything, not evena bite. Yet, it was argued that I was pregnant and I needed to keepmy strength and my sugar up. A song came on the radio and as Ilistened to the lyrics I began to cry. Tonight, writing this, Iremember what food I was given at Burger King. It was a bacon, egg,and cheese croissant. I remember what I was wearing....a black shirtwith a gray striped dress over it. Yet, I can't remember that song.

We went to meet our group of friendsbefore heading to the funeral home. I knew I wanted that song to beplayed at the funeral. Pam agreed, and it was played. Yet now, almost15 years later, the name of the song won't come to mind.

Exactly 15 years ago today, a beautifulblonde haired, blue eyed, six year old boy was murdered. Six yearsold....the same age my son will turn in three weeks. My son, who hasblonde hair and blue eyes. My son who climbs, jumps, flips, and doesstunts proudly and with no fear.....just like Jordy did 15 years ago.My son who asked today if he could watch Power Rangers on Netflix.Power Rangers....a show he's never seen, but that was Jordan'sfavorite.

Jordan's picture sits on the cabinet inmy dining room. The picture frame has a motherly angel down the sideof it. An angel.......the first time I saw Jordan the sun was shiningon his blond curls, and I thought to myself that he looked like anangel. Those words would come back to me when I heard of his death.

I should've known. There aren't manythings that can make multiple grown men cry. Yet, all they told uswas to go to the pay phone and call Dan. So, we did. I rememberthinking it was someone in their family.....their aged fatherperhaps. But I remember when I heard the person beside me say, “No,it can't be. Are you sure?” Then they looked at me, and suddenly Iknew....it wasn't his family member. This was someone I loved. Yet,when he said the name in that horrible sentence, I didn't want tobelieve. Yet, somehow I felt it......inside.....where the core of allyou are exists.

I was sitting in the passenger seat ofa car, a small gray Honda. I doubled over in physical pain. I feltit.....the pain....it was driving through me. I raised my head andlooked out the windshield. It was dark out, late. Most people weresleeping. Yet, I noticed lights coming on. Inside lights, then porchlights. I looked around for the source of what was waking everyone. Icould hear it.....it was this primal scream that sent chills down myspine. It scared me. Even after I was taken back to the house andcalmed down, I still didn't realize the screams I heard were my own.That would come to me later.

Each year, right after my birthday, Istart to think about Jordan. I think of him often through the year,but towards the end of November I remember. Jordan's birthday istowards the end of November. The holidays. I think of him all throughChristmas. He used to lie on the living room floor with me to watchthe patterns the lights made on the ceiling. Then, intoJanuary....this month. Today.....15 years.

The news reporters all called it, “theworst case of child abuse in North Carolina history”. None of uswould argue that point. We saw, we knew, we had tried to save him.

She is behind bars. Two consecutivelife sentences and up for parole 25 years after her conviction date.She still claims to be not guilty. Facing the feelings I felt towardsher was almost the end of me. God showed me that hating someone,seeking revenge.....that only destroys the hater and not the hated. Ialmost lost myself learning that lesson.

There are lots of lessons to belearned. There are some lessons that should never have to be learned.Jordan's death taught us all lots of lessons that we didn't need toknow. It taught us a level of grief that to date has yet to existanywhere else in my life. I'm sure those that love Jordy would agree.

I know that no matter how I write thewords that come next, that they won't be able to convey the emotionbehind my pleas. I know that words can't show you the tears that Ished as I type this. I know that words can't make you feel that painthat is still there.....in the core of my very being. I know thatwords won't allow you to hear the longing in my voice when I beg youto please do this one thing for me....for Jordan.

If you suspect child abuse, pleaseplease please seek assistance. Do not just pick up the phone, callyour local Child Protective Service office, make a report, hang upand walk away. FOLLOW UP!! Call back, make sure it was investigated,make sure that the workers know you aren't going to forget. Let yourpresence be made known. Is the child in school? Report it also to theschool. Is the child in daycare? Report it there. Do you happen toknow who the child's pediatrician is? Report it there. Is the childschool age but not in school? Report it to the truancy officer. Callthe police. Call and report it to everyone you can. Each person youreport it to will have to document the report and possiblyinvestigate the allegations themselves. By reporting it to multiplepeople, you just gave that child that many protectors! Keep a ledgerdocumenting what you saw....dates, times, who was with the child,what the abuse/injury was and never let that original out of yoursite. Include the dates, times and names of the people you reportedthe abuse to. Make copies to give to those who need it, but hold onto that original so that you hold those dates and times. So that ifsomething else happens to that child, there are people that can becalled who are able to move quickly to help the child. So that if thechild is not protected by those in charge of protecting children,then there is a record of who to hold accountable.

Between 2006-2010, the average childmortality rate due to homicide was 52. That's 52 children dying eachyear as a result of child abuse. Homicide. Murder.

You can make a difference. You can savea life. You can do it for any reason you want, or you can do it forJordan. It doesn't matter to me at all what your reason is, justplease.....if you suspect child abuse, do something about it.

I AM UNDER ATTACK (Part 2)

2012-01-27T12:43:00.001-05:00

I Am Under Attack (Part 2)

When you think about it, thosescriptures about spiritual warfare and the devil prowling aroundwaiting to attack us....those are some pretty scary scriptures. Imean, if I can't even do the right things when I want to, how am Isupposed to stand up against Satan and his demons? What exactly doesthe Bible say about that armor God gives us? And how do we put it on?Quite frankly, I need some kind of protection!

“Thereforeput on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, youmay be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything,to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around yourwaist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,and with yourfeet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which youcan extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take thehelmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word ofGod. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds ofprayers and requests.” ~Ephesians 6:13-18

OK,so the first part says “stand firm”. The best way to find outwhat Paul meant by “stand firm” in this scripture is to look atother scriptures where Paul uses the word “stand”. In variousscriptures Paul tells us to “stand firm in the faith”, “standfirm in Christ”, “stand firm in the Lord” and that it is “byfaith you stand firm”. (2 Corinthians 16:13, 1:21, 1:24, 1Thessalonians 3:8) Paul also speaks of having “taken your stand”on the gospel he preached. ( 1 Corinthians 15:1) So, we know thatstanding is linked arm and arm with our faith, the gospel, and Chist,but how exactly do we stand? Paul wrote about standing numerous timesand exhorted us to “always give yourself fully to the work of theLord”, “be obedient in everything”, “conduct yourselves in amanner worthy of the gospel of Christ” and to “hold to theteachings” that we've learned from the Bible. (1 Corinthians 15:58,2 Corinthians 2:9, 2 Thessalonians 2:15) Paul also exhorts us at 1Corinthians 10:12-13 to “be careful that you don't fall” and at 1Corinthians 15:58 to “let nothing move you”.

Thenext part of the scripture in Ephesians tells us to buckle the beltof truth around our waist. Paul speaks of truth in two differentcontext. First, he refers to the truth as being the “truth ofChrist”, “truth of the gospel”, “message of truth”, andthe “truth that is in Jesus”. (2 Corinthians 11:10, Galations2:14, Ephesians 1:13, 4:21). Paul also refers to truth in anothercontext, that of being truthful. He says at 2 Corinthians 4:2, “wehave renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception”. He exhorts us also in 2 Corinthians 6:7 to use “truthful speech”at all times and at Ephesians 4:25 to “put off falsehood and speaktruthfully to your neighbor”.

Nextwe come to the “breastplate of righteousness”. As we discussed inPart 1 of this blog, our righteousness is not based on our good deedsor actions. Rather we are seen as righteous by God simply through ouracceptance that Christ died for our sins so that we may be redeemed.(2 Corinthians 5:21) We are righteous through our faith both in God,and in the ransom sacrifice He provided for us through His Son. Holdtight to that righteousness that we now have in Christ, as that isour breastplate!

So,we are standing firm, we have on our belt and our breastplate! Next,we need to have our “feet fitted with the readiness that comes fromthe gospel of peace”. Paul tells us that Christ reconciled toHimself all things “by making peace through his blood, shed on thecross”. (Colossians 1:20) He also tells us that God is “not a Godof disorder but of peace” and that the “peace of God, whichtranscends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mindsin Christ Jesus.” (1 Corinthians 14:33, Philippians 4:7) Paul goeson to explain that “God has called us to live in peace” and thatwe should be “peaceable and considerate, and always gentle towardeveryone”. (1 Corinthians 7:15, Titus 3:2) By being peaceable atall times, we are made ready for the spiritual battle we findourselves in.

Sofar we see that God offers us quite a bit of protection. We standfirm so as not to be easily knocked down, we have our belt firmly inplace (very important as the belt held a soldiers scabbard), and wehave our breastplate. Part 3 will go on to discuss the otherprotective gear and weapon (yes He gives us a weapon to fight backalso) that God provides us with.

I Am Under Attack (Part 1)

2012-01-27T11:10:00.000-05:00

“Forour struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers,against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world andagainst the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” ~Ephesians 6:12

“Yourenemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someoneto devour.” ~1 Peter 5:8

Today,I am under attack. Satan knows exactly when, and how, to attack us.Today, he's attacking me through my husband's abandonment of ourfamily, and through the effects it has had on my children. You see, Iknow I'm not responsible for another person's actions, yet through mychoices and my decisions my children were placed in a situation thatcaused them pain.

It'shard when your children hurt, and you know that you could haveprevented the entire situation if you'd just made your life decisionsdifferently. I've looked at it from all the angles, seen the pros andcons, all the what ifs and maybes. Yet, one thing still remains, mychildren are in emotional pain that I don't know how to fix. I'm inthe same pain, and at a loss as to how to get through it myself.

So,I rely on God. I cry out to Him. I trust Him. But then I read thescripture at James 5:16, “The effective, fervent prayer of arighteous man avails much.” I particularly like the AmplifiedBibles version, “The earnest (heartfelt, continued) prayer of arighteous man makes tremendous power available [dynamic in itsworking]. My first thought is that I need to flood my children inprayer. My second thought (straight from Satan himself) is that thisscripture says a “righteous man”. I can't be counted forrighteous. Quite frankly, I screw up to much. So then Iwonder.....what does “righteous” mean exactly?

Ilook up the definition in Websters. I'm not to pleased. By thisdefinition I am absolutely not righteous. “acting in accord withdivine or moral law:free from guilt or sin”. My heart slumped butthen I thought....wait a minute. If the Bible talks of a righteousman's prayers, then there must be some righteous men somewhere! Butthis definition says “free from guilty or sin” and that's notanyone on earth now. So, I started researching.

Thefirst place I went was to gotquestions.org I typed in“righteousness” in the search box and then read the article “WhatIs Righteousness?”. Is says that “We have no ability to achieverighteousness in and of ourselves. But Christians possess therighteousness of Christ, because 'God made Him who had no sin to besin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God'.(2 Corinthians 5:21) Basically it sums it up by saying that becauseChrist accepted our sin and died for that sin, God now views us asrighteous.

Istill wanted to know more and ran across the blog “Word of Faith”.I read the entry titled “What is Righteousness?” This blog poststarts out by pointing to the fact that in the past, men came up withreligious exercises so that they could become more righteousaccording to THEIR standards. I thought of the Pharisees in theBible, and actually felt a bit relieved that even that long agopeople were confused as to what righteousness truly meant. The postthen goes on to mention James 2:23 which says, “Abraham believedGod, and it was accounted to him for righteousness.” This scripturedoesn't say anything about all the great things Abraham did as beingthe reason that God viewed him as righteous. It instead says that“Abraham believed God” and that is why God viewed him asrighteous. Honestly, that's a weight off my shoulders because as muchas I've always wanted to be just like Abraham (he was called a“friend of God”), I feel that I am far far from being anythinglike Abraham. But, I do believe God, even if at times I get scared ordoubt.

Itthen goes on to talk about 2 Corinthians 5:21 that I quoted earlier.It says that through Christ sacrifice, we are able to “draw near tothe throne of grace”. (Hebrews 4:16) I've mentioned in previouspost, that God sees us through “rose colored glasses”. That whenHe looks at us, He sees us through Christ ransom sacrifice, andtherefore does not see our sins when He looks at us. Instead, He seesus tinted with that blood, and cleansed by it. I guess I just neverrealized that through that blood we are also accounted righteous, andtherefore God does hear and answer our prayers. “The effective,fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.”

What if ?

2012-01-26T23:34:00.001-05:00

What if?

What if the horrible time you aregoing through right now is the answer to a prayer? What if thehorrible time you are going through now is an answer to YOUR prayer?

I remember hearing the phrase “Becareful what you pray for” often as I grew up. I think I firstdiscovered what that really meant when I prayed for patience thefirst time!

Yet, now I wonder if there are deepertruths regarding that phrase. For example, have you ever said Iprayer that included, “I'll do anything”? Or maybe, “If onlysuch and such would happen, then I would...”. Some have evenprayed, “You can do whatever you want to me, just let such and suchhappen” or “Whatever it takes, even if I have to be the one to gothrough it instead”.

So, what if you prayed something alongsimilar lines? Years later, you are going through a terrible trial.One of those dark periods in your life where it seems there is no wayout. Maybe it's a shattering heartbreak that rocked you to your core.We all have been through dark times in our lives, think of one inyour life. Could it have been a result of a previous prayer?

Let me tell you my personal example.At one point in my life, there was a particular person I cared deeplyfor. That person wounded me emotionally in a profound way. For weeksI prayed for this person. I told God that if He would bring thisperson into a relationship with Himself.....that if He would openthis person's heart to Him.....that I would do anything. I even wentso far as to tell God that He could use me in this person's life inany way needed to draw that person into a relationship with God.

Fast forward a year and halflater......same person has been in my life this entire time. Myfeelings for this person had deepened. We had shared so much ofourselves together. Earlier in the year, it looked as if my prayerswere being answered. Yet, things begin to shift and turn. This personbegan to draw away from God again. The more they moved away from God,the more they hurt the people who loved them. They started gettinginto illegal activities and begin to abuse drugs. Although I hadthought that this person would not hurt me again, they once againassaulted my emotions and caused me deep pain. They hurt others thatI love as well.

I was angry at God. Why would He allowthis person into my life, if this person was only going to hurt meagain? Hadn't I done the right thing in forgiving this person? Inmoving forward and offering this person support? Why was I having tobe hurt so badly?

Then I remembered my prayer. I toldGod I'd do anything, whatever it took, and that He could use me inany way necessary to bring this person close to God. What if this isthe answer to my prayer? What if this person needed something I wasable to give them through that year and a half that they were in mylife? What if there was an experience that person had while with methat has planted a seed?

At the moment, this person appears tobe as far from God as one can possibly get. It doesn't look likeanything at all has affected that. It doesn't look like God hasanswered my prayer. Yet, only God can see the future. Only God knowsthis person's heart, what it'll take to bring this person to Him, andwhether or not the year and half I stayed friends with this personwill matter.

Yet, as I look back over all theprayers through the years I've offered up.........all the “I'll doanything” and all the “use me” prayers.... I never specifiedanything in those prayers. I never asked God to use me to helpanother “as long as I don't get hurt”. I never asked Him toanswer a prayer that I'd do anything for, except anything that mightcause me discomfort. My prayers were heartfelt and I meant them.

When my son was battling severe healthissues, I repeatedly prayed to God to help him. I told God that I'dtake on whatever illness or health issue there was, if it meant mychild could be spared some of his pain and misery. I repeated thisprayer more times then I can count. My child still has health issues,but over and over again we've been spared the “worst casescenario”. I've seen him bounce back from health issues that wouldknock others down for much longer. It was only a year or two after Ifirst offered up this prayer that I came down with health issues. Inever even thought about it before, but what if this is an answer tomy prayers?

Maybe your prayers weren't quite asspecific as the one I just mentioned. Yet, if you are a prayingperson, I'm thinking that chances are you've prayed and offered upyourself in exchange for an answered prayer. At some point in time,there was something you wanted so much that you were willing toexchange anything at all to God if He'd just answer that one prayer.So, think back through the years. What all have you offered God ifonly? Could the trial you are facing be an answered prayer?

It's OK to ask.....

2012-01-21T22:52:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been in a place where you just didn't know what to do? No matter how you looked at it, things could end up going wrong. I don't know about you, but these days when that happens to me....I pray. Yet, sometimes when I pray, and I feel like I know what the answer is, I get scared. I'm scared to do what He's telling me to do. I've heard some people say that you should never be afraid to do God's will. I've heard others to do it afraid. I think both those apply in some situations. Yet, there were some times where I was so afraid, that I really really really wanted God to somehow show me it was going to be OK. To offer me some encouragement to step out in faith. Yet, I always felt guilty for wanting that....as if it meant I didn't trust God enough. I felt like I should have more faith then that. I felt that if I believed God and trusted God then I wouldn't be afraid and wouldn't need anything other then His telling me what to do.

In the book of Judges in the Bible, Gideon was told to take 300 soldiers and go up against over 100,000! The Bible says they "were lying in the valley as numerous as locusts; and their camels were without number, as the sand by the seashores in multitude" (7:12). OK...so 300 men against that?!?!?! Well, God told Gideon to go down against the camp because He had delivered it into Gideon's hand. Yet, here's the kicker..... He then said, "BUT IF YOU ARE AFRAID TO GO DOWN, go down to the camp with Purah your servant, and you shall hear what they say; and afterwards your hands shall be strengthened to go down against the camp."(v10) Did you catch that? God didn't get onto him for being afraid. God didn't say anything negative at all about his being afraid! Instead, God sent him a sign....something to encourage him in the midst of his fear!

If it was OK with God that Gideon was afraid, and God sent Gideon a situation to give him encouragement and strength to go forward with his scary assignment.....then wouldn't He do the same for us? Doesn't that mean that it's OK for us to be scared sometimes? Doesn't that also mean that it's OK that sometimes we are so scared we feel like we need just a little something to help us take that step of faith?

Gideon was scared. He did go down to the camp with Purah. He heard one man in the camp tell another a dream he had. The man's friend told him that it was a sure sign that God had delivered their camp to Gideon! (v11-14) The camp that Gideon was to go against with his 300 men were already in fear of Gideon! They knew that God had strengthened Gideon and that they were to be delivered to him! How empowering that must have been for Gideon to hear. When Gideon heard the dream and the interpretation, he worshiped God even before he returned to his own camp! (v15)

Gideon came back to his camp inspired. He was able to motivate his troops into action with these words, "Arise, for the Lord has delivered the camp of Midian into your hand". Doesn't sound like a leader whose afraid anymore does it?

God loves us dearly. He created us, and He's well aware of the effect that sin has had on our human bodies through the years. He doesn't want us to live a life always second guessing and worrying. He wants us to have a life with abundant peace. God tells us, "For I know the plans I have for you....plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". (Jeremiah 29:11) Jesus told us at John 10:10 that he came so that we might have life and "have it to the full". Life can be scary at time. Praise be to God that we have a heavenly Father that understands this, and provides all our needs.

Ruth.....

2012-01-19T13:51:00.001-05:00

I started out writing my blog todaywithout having started my day the right way. You see, I try to alwaysstart my day spending time with my Heavenly Father first. Today Ineglected that. I started out answering a phone call, attempting todo a chore, and then started in on writing my blog. I got into thesecond paragraph and it just “felt” wrong. I stopped to readtoday’s devotion and realized, it felt wrong because it was wrong!The devotion I read stated the exact opposite of what I was gettingready to write. Yet, I had no doubt that the devotion was right. Letme explain.

While I was in the hospital, I listenedto the Bible on audio (biblegateway.com). One of the books I listenedto was the book of Ruth. Ever since I was a child I have loved thebook of Ruth. I always pictured Naomi, so distraught after losing herhusband and both of her sons. Yet, here comes Ruth, heroine of theday. She put aside her own grief to stand by her mother in law andtells her, “Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay.Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die Iwill die.”

When I came home from the hospital, Isaw that there was a movie based on the book of Ruth on Netflix. Iwatched it, and though the first part wasn't very historical from abiblical sense, I still loved how it showed Ruth's loyalty to hermother in law. Ruth was willing to leave all that she had ever knownto go to a foreign land, simply to show her love and support for hermother in law.

I read the book of Ruth again sincebeing home, again fixated on Ruth's unselfish love. I saw again howin the midst of her own grief, she looked outside of herself. I tooknote of that point personally. Quite frankly, in the amount of timesince my husband has abandoned our family, I've spent the majority ofthat time focused on my own heartache.

Today, our daily devotion was based onthe book of Ruth. Yet, it looked at the book of Ruth from a totallydifferent angle. It looked at the book of Ruth from Naomi'sviewpoint. Naomi had lost her husband and both her sons. She was sodistraught, that when she returned to Bethlehem, she said, “Don'tcall me Naomi....Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my lifevery bitter. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me backempty. Why call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted me; the Almighty hasbrought misfortune upon me.”

Does your heart not just ache for her?Can you not feel her pain in those words? Naomi could not see pasther current circumstances. She had lost her husband and both hersons. Her entire family was gone. Here she was, a widow. She had noway to support herself and was older in years. She had to rely on herdaughter in law to feed them both. Even then, her daughter in lawwould risk harm gathering in the fields behind the harvesters. Herdreams were gone, her heart was broken. She felt cursed.

Yet, God had greater plans for Naomi.God doesn't make bad things happen. Yet, He can take any circumstanceand turn it to good. God had plans to provide for Naomi's needsabundantly for all the days of her years. Better yet, God had plansto provide Naomi a grandson who would become an ancestor to JesusChrist. The events of Naomi's life were leading up to this, Naomithough could only feel her present pain.

In the midst of our trials andtribulations, it's easy to lose sight of the fact that we can neverbe separated from God's love. We sometimes forget that, no matter howmuch we hurt in the moment, God has a plan for our lives and thatplan is for us to live abundantly and happily. In the midst of thepain, we need to continue to praise Him who carries us through thestorm.....because He will never leave or forsake us.

“and we know that in all things Godworks for the good of those who love Him, who have been calledaccording to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

Who Am I

2012-01-18T23:35:00.000-05:00

“Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth, would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt? Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star, would chose to light the way, for my ever wandering heart?”

Tonight, after the children (2/3 of them anyway) had settled to sleep, I slipped of alone. I had so many thoughts running through my mind. There are so many people I know in distress right now. Those who are brokenhearted, those battling cancer, those who've lost a loved one, those fighting depression, those struggling against illnesses, those whose families are under spiritual attack...the list goes on and on. My heart is breaking for so many people right now and I want so much for them to KNOW, to UNDERSTAND, that God is there for them if they just accept His love and support.

As I thought of all those I care about that are suffering, and also those I care about that are hurting those I love, my heart felt heavy. I've always been the person that wanted to fix everything...to make it all better. Yet, the one choice everyone must make for themselves is whether or not to let God in their lives. I always thought that I knew what heartache was.....having been through such dark and horrible times in my life. I didn't really know. The only true heartache in life is seeing people hurting and knowing what will truly help them.....but seeing them refuse that help.

Then, the song I quoted above came on the radio. It's “Who Am I” by Casting Crowns. The full impact of all God has done for me the last few months hit me. I can't even wrap my mind around what He's done in my lifetime, all I can attempt to look at is just since the last day of October. The day I woke with this headache that still hasn't left. The day it seemed everything started to change in my life. There is no way I could have anticipated all that has happened since then. Had I been told then, I don't know that I would have even wanted to live another day. Yet, here I am....still putting one foot in front of the other. God has wiped away my tears and other times merely held me as I cried. He has shown me silver linings on clouds so dark and turbulent I feared death would come from them. He has shown me the rainbow that follows the storms. God has held the pieces of my broken heart in his hand, promising me that in His power it is able to be mended. He has had Angels lull me to sleep and protect me from nightmares. God has provided my children a Father so that they have not lacked. He has met all our needs, even needs we didn't know we had. He has not forsaken me, even when I was angry at Him and demanded to know why!

Yet, who am I? Who am I that He would do this for me? Aren't I the same 16 year old that said there was no such thing as love? That love was just what people convinced themselves they had because the reality was to much for people to bear? The same 17 year old that had no morals or standards as she drank and drugged herself to oblivion, giving new meaning to the word promiscuous? The same person who turned from God even after getting clean because she identified religion with God and didn't realize the two were different? The same person who blamed God for years for all her hurts, her mistakes, and the sins done unto her? Who am I that He would comfort and love me after all that I had done to Him???

“Not because of who I am, But because of what You've done,

Not because of what I've done, But because of who You are”

I Want To Get HIGH

2012-01-18T11:11:00.003-05:00

May 1996....That's when I got clean.

Through the years, whenever thingswould get “bad” in my life, I'd feel this deep desire to “use”again. Unless you've ever battled addiction, you won't really knowwhat that desire is like. It completely consumes you. Thereis nothing you can do to distract yourself from that desire. It comesfrom the core of you, and flows through your veins. It seems that theharder you try to fight it, the louder it screams at you.

Aperson would think that the farther you get from your “clean date”,the easier it would get. That's what I thought. In my case, thatdidn't happen. However, the instances where I felt the need to usedid become spaced farther and farther apart. Yet, that was due toseveral different factors. I quit getting myself into stressfulsituations, I learned coping skills, I began to learn about God andhave a deeper understanding of faith, etc. Yet, there were stillthose times that a particularly trying emotional event would happenand BAM....all I'd want was a “fix”......to just get “high”enough so that I didn't have to feel anything.

Untilnow.

Irealized it a few days ago. A friend had made a comment that I couldwrite a whole book just on what's happened over the last few monthsin my life. I was thinking over the last few months and even I wasincredulous that all these things could happen to one family. Then ithit me......through all of it, I had not wanted to “use”. At thevery beginning....there was one night when I'd had a few drinks andgotten a little tipsy.....but I'd not even through about gettingtrashed or doing drugs. The thought never even crossed my mind. Andsince that night I'd not even thought about having a drink. Even whensomeone I knew suggested getting drunk, I dismissed the idea withouta second thought.

So,what made the difference this time? There is only one thing that isdifferent this time then all the other times. My relationship withGod. In the past, when I would go through things that felt as if theywere ripping me into and shattering me to the core, I would replaythe events that led to that over and over in my mind. I would cry outto myself and wonder why. I would lie in agony, with no answers andno comfort.

Nowthough, I don't have to lie alone in my pain. This time, I still feltas if I was being ripped apart and shattered to the core, but thistime I felt comforting arms around me. Instead of replaying theevents in my mind, I told them to my heavenly Father. I asked Him thequestions I didn't understand. I told Him how I felt, the pain, theagony, the heartbreak. I begged Him to help me, to comfort me, tomake me feel better. I begged Him to comfort my children. I cried outto Him that it wasn't fair, that I didn't understand. I told Him Ididn't know what to do, and asked Him to show me the way.

Heanswered my prayers. He listened.

Eachday, in one way or another, He shows me that He listened and He'sanswered. Maybe it's something big like how He miraculously paid ourpower bill and kept it from being disconnected (see previous post“Provisions”). Some days, He answers a questions I've asked in adevotional reading. Or maybe someone I come in contact with mentionssomething that is in answer to something I've asked. Since I'vestarted spending more time with Him during the day then I do withanyone else (and I do believe that is how it's supposed to be), Heshows me every single day that He is acting in my family's life.

Thatis why I haven't felt the desire to use. I have no need not to feelmy emotions because finally, I do not fear that my emotions are tomuch to handle. It's not just me anymore. I have my Father and He'sgot my back. He is with me every minute of every day.

Iused to look at people who were always “preaching” to others. Icouldn't understand why they would go around and all they talkedabout was God and Jesus. I mean, if people don't want to hear aboutit, why do they keep trying to tell them? Now, I understand. Severaltimes a day I wonder......how do people go through the type of trialsI've been through lately without God in their lives? But then, I knowthe answer because I went through trials without God. And I did itwith suicide attempts, drugs, promiscuity, cutting, alcoholism, andmore. Those people that keep walking around and talking about Jesusand God all the time, promising a better life......... they know whatthey are talking about. Maybe it's time you start listening.

SLEEPOVER!!!

2012-01-13T23:02:00.002-05:00

Today is the first day I've had all three of my kids home at the same time since getting stuck in the hospital. IT IS FANTABULOUSLY WONDERFUL HAVING THEM ALL HOME!!!!

My best friend brought her two children for a good ole sleepover. Truth be told, we all knew I couldn't handle a night with all three by myself. Right now, my best friend and one child are camped out in my bed room. I'm on the couch (which is pretty much where I've lived since getting released) and I have the other 5 kids on a big pallet on the floor. The two girls are singing lullabies to Pook. This, is bliss.

Life isn't always easy in our family. Well, it's never easy. You're not likely to meet a family as diverse as ours when it comes to health problems and special needs. Our house is messy, we never have enough money, there is always unfolded laundry, someone is either always in pain or having a meltdown, and we spend so much time between hospitals and doctor offices I have yet to understand why we don't have permanent rooms there.

Yet, we are held together by a strong bond of love. Many families get torn apart. Part of our family has been recently torn apart. Yet, there are four of us that are deeply twined together.....four of us that won't be torn apart. The reason is because we have something else intertwined with us. Something stronger then we could ever hope to be. Something that as we grow and change, and ever as the paths we walk upon lead us away from each other, it will consistently remain the same. Our bond is held together by the love of God. Through that love we are bound and forever will be.

Today was exhausting, painful, emotionally trying, and downright difficult. I couldn't have asked for a greater blessing.

PS.... Banana Splits with ALL the toppings for breakfast!!! What's a sleepover without ice cream for breakfast?

I Am FREE

2012-01-13T13:38:00.000-05:00

I'm a hoarder, but a very specific hoarder. I save journal entries, calendars, blog post, photos. I save the things that can take me back to my past. To another year in time, to help me remember who I am when I lose myself.

Today, I've been digging through the years. I've realized that I've gotten lost. Well, I didn't realize it, God showed me. He set certain events in motion that brought certain memories to the forefront of my mind. Those memories set me on my quest to dig through the years. And as an archaeologist carefully lifts the layers of settled dust and dirt off the precious artifacts, I've been sifting through the years of my past.

In years past, I would have to dig many many years past. This time I found I wasn't that far gone. What I did discover was that there were so many things I've let go of. Things that I love, things that I am passionate about. The things that make me smile, laugh, glow. Things that make me stand tall. Causes to champion.

So watch out world. I may be down for the count at the moment, but it's purely a physical thing. God's healing my body, and as my physical body is healing, He's opening my mind. He's showing me the things that I dropped along the wayside. He's showing me the passions He placed in me that I left forgotten these years past.

I'm picking them up. I'm coming back. I'm dusting off my hiking boots. I'm polishing my dancing shoes. I'm getting together my domestic violence task force. I'm planning my campground for families with special needs children. I'm brushing up on my sign language. I'm going to sit by the river and read books. I'm going cast a line and drown some worms. Bald Mountain won't miss me any longer and Chaney's grave will know I've come home. My tent will be aired out and my sleeping bag will envelope my sleeping body.

Oh, and lets not forget that bucket list while I'm at it.

Oh children of mine......be prepared. Mama's got her kick back! ;-)

I Love You So Much

2012-01-13T10:18:00.002-05:00

I stood in my kitchen, supported by the cabinet. I had my hand over my face, eyes closed. I said out loud, "I love you so much" and as I said it tears began to stream down my face.

I'm not sure I'd ever told Him that before. I don't think I ever really felt it before. I don't know what changed. You see, I've always believed that He existed. I've always believed He created me. I've always felt I should follow the guidelines He set out for us and that our lives would be better for them.

I spent the majority of my life thinking I wasn't good enough. That He could never love me. I was "damaged goods", unlovable. When I figured out that wasn't the case, I spent the next several years believing that I couldn't do anything right and just kept messing it all up. I finally figured out, it's not about that either.

Yet, right about the time I figured out that it's really just about His loving us, and our loving Him back, I pulled away from Him. It wasn't intentional, I just got caught up in putting another human being before Him. I thought that if I tried hard enough, that I could save something I apparently couldn't even have without Him in the picture anyway.

After I lost that which I had sacrificed Him for to start with, I ended up in a position where He is all I had to rely on. I clung to Him with all I had. I devoted much more time to Him then I had ever before. It wasn't really intentional, I was put into a situation where there was nothing else to do with my time.

I spent my hours listening to the Bible read to me on audio. I discovered that I interpret the Bible in a totally different way when I listen to it that way then when I read it myself. Somehow, it became alive to me. When I was able to read again, I started reading three devotionals a day. One in the morning, one at noon, one at night.

My thinking....that's something that I'm really working at turning around. I can think all day. Think about the what ifs, play out long drawn out scenarios of "if only this" or "maybe ifs". They can be negative, they can be positive. Or, I can think about things that have already happened, usually negative. Either way, my thinking serves usually only to depress me. So, instead of thinking, I've decided to either A) Talk to God, B) Read my Bible, or C) Turn on a worship song and praise God.

Doing so has really impacted my life. Now, since I'm talking to God so much more, I can hear Him so much clearer. I'm also more aware of His prescence in my life. There are little things that happen and I can't help but wonder....... did He always do these things for me and I didn't notice or is He doing these things now because I'm making the time for Him? For example: the other day I was looking at a coupon site. CVS has deals where you get back "carebucks" for what you purchase. It's basically store credit and on some items you can get back 100%. So, if you do it right, you can make an initial purchase, and then just keep flipping those carebuck and never spend any more out of pocket cash. Well, I was looking at the sales thinking how I needed to get just a few dollars together so I could start flipping some carebucks to get some basic things we needed here. The very next day we went to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for my son, and my receipt printed back $5 carebucks! I've never gotten that on a receipt before! I know some of you may say coincidence, but if you were to keep track of every single thing like that going on in my life over the last two months, you'd have to agree that it can not be coincidence!

I hear God now. I see Him acting in my life. Which led me to when I was standing in my kitchen. I wasn't talking to Him, I wasn't reading my Bible, I wasn't doing anything except something as normal as getting something to drink, but I just felt compelled to tell Him that I loved Him. The emotion I felt when I told Him that brought the tears.

I don't think I've ever really known this kind of love before. When I first accepted God's love for me I was overwhelmed by it. It consumed me. It was so pure, so powerful, so true, so perfect. This love that I have for God is so broken. Yet it is the strongest emotion I have ever felt and I am blessed to feel it. I've always said that if anyone ever wanted to hurt me in the worst way possible, it would be to hurt my children. I've discovered that the worst way possible to hurt me, would be to separate me from this love that I have for my Creator, for my Father, and for my Christ who died for me.

Praise be to God, that he promises us, "that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all of creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 8:38-39

I'm Coming Back and the Irony of It

2012-01-12T13:10:00.001-05:00

Two of the last things my husband said before he skipped out on me was that I needed to lose "at least 10 pounds" and that he "needed another two weeks without the kids around".

On the 28th of December, I had a lumbar puncture (spinal tap) done to determine the cause of a severe headache I've had since October 31st. I ended up in the ER following the lumbar puncture and was admitted the next day. I spent the following week in the ER. Upon coming home, it was a week before I was anywhere close to well enough to have more then one of my children come spend the night with me (last night was that night). I still haven't worked my way back to having all three kids here full time yet, but I'm getting there. As a result of these health problems, the scales tell me that I've lost (pause while I go get on the scales) 10 pounds! I didn't really didn't think it was going to be exactly 10 pounds. Irony. I lost 10 pounds and spent 2 weeks without the kids.

The last few months have been quite a force to be reckoned with. If ever there was a time I believed that I was under a full fledged spiritual attack, it's been these last few months. Yet, even then.....I look over the course of the past few months and think that maybe it wasn't me under attack. It seems that it was those around me. That it was my husband, my children, my friends. Unfortunately, I watched many people over the last few months make the wrong choices, chose to follow the wrong side, and they are paying the consequences of those choices. They may not know that now, it may appear that everything is going just fine for them now.....but in the end, it always falls apart.

Through all that has happened, I got angry at God, I cried out to God, I begged God, I shouted at God, and I even pulled away from Him when He reached out to me but I never ever doubted that He was there. Even as I was pulling away from Him I was begging and pleading with Him to help me reconnect with Him, to hear Him, to feel His presence.

I plead with each of you now.....when someone hurts you to the very core.....please pray for them. Pray for their salvation. I know, that's the hardest thing you'll ever do. I know. I started doing it in August 2010. It's such a difficult thing to do that I remember the very first time I did it. I'll be honest with you, it doesn't get any easier. It doesn't matter if it's someone you love, or someone you couldn't care less about. Praying for someone who has hurt you deeply is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. Yet, if you think about it, Jesus never really gave us any "easy work" now did He? Jesus even said, "If you love those who love you, what reward will you get?" (Matthew 4:46) He encouraged us to love our enemies. We could easily say enemies are terrorist, or the IRS, or the guy who shot up some school in another state that we aren't emotionally connected with. But truth be told, our enemies are the ones who personally hurt us. Often times, they live in our own homes. They sleep under our own roof. We profess our love to them. Sometimes they leave us. Sometimes they leave us for someone else. Sometimes, we even have to pray for that "someone else".

Poem...

2012-01-11T15:22:00.002-05:00

The past is softly whispering

my name upon it's winds

it cries out to me

remembering

pulling me back again

Yet the past is wrapped in fog

never seeming as it truly was

numbness lurks in the corner

casting memories as roses

So I'll cast my eyes to tomorrow

and make the sun shine on it's days

each day is as we make it

mine will lead the way

Copywrite RedMelD 2011

Unimaginable Pain

2012-01-11T11:34:00.001-05:00

Last night, my pain and overall weakness got so bad I sent my mother a text message. "Mom, if you're still up call me." When she called, I asked her to call in an hour or so and check on me. I was worried I was going to pass out. I was scared.

Today, I have to stay reclined or laying down or the same thing happens. This is how I was in the hospital. I thought I was getting better, until last night. *sigh The kids are coming home today also.

I can't describe this pain. I've never had a pain I could not describe before. It's unimaginable and I had no idea it could even exist at this level

My devotion today started out this way, "A cynic asked an elderly believer who had endured great physical pain for twenty years, 'What do you think of your God now?' The godly sufferer replied, 'I think of Him more then ever.'"

I have to say this is so very true. Prior to being hospitalized, I had been battling depression as a result of my husband leaving. I was angry with God for a variety of reasons. My prayers consisted of my asking Him to do whatever it took to let me feel connected to Him again. Well, He sure did it! Don't get me wrong, I know God didn't cause my pain. But, God can take any hurtful, negative thing that Satan throws our way and bring good from it.

The reading that went with my morning devotion today is Psalms 3:21-28. In case you are wondering, my morning devotions come form Our Daily Bread. You can find them here: http://odb.org/ I have a bound volume that I'm using, so it'll differ from the online version. You can sign up for the devotion to come to you via email, phone, or other options.

It's NOT FAIR

2012-01-10T17:58:00.000-05:00

Last night, I poured out my anger to God in prayer. My anger towards my husband. My anger that he left me. My anger that he left our children. My anger that he can so easily walk away from all that we planned and all that we dreamed. My anger that he stepped out of one life, and into another......one that he'd had partially planned without my knowledge. My anger at the lies he's told about me and even more angry at the lies he's told about our children. The anger I feel at how I stood by him and supported him through his health issues, his addictions, his emotional breakdowns, and more......only to have him walk out when he discovered that I was getting ready to embark on some health issues of my own. The anger I feel at how he abandoned his family, left us with unpaid and past due bills, wiped out the kids piggy banks, wiped out our savings, took our entire months income and is not having to face any consequences of those actions. The anger at how he's now working on trying to hurt us even more financially and since I can't afford an attorney, it looks like again he'll face no consequences. The anger I feel at my having struggled to make the right decisions, the biblical decisions yet having been the one to suffer. The anger I feel at seeing him gain financial assistance from organizations, friends, donors, and even family that refused to offer any assistance during the time he and I were together. The anger I feel seeing men and women in this world hurt others who truly love them and care for them and seemingly face no consequences for those actions at all.

Today, my devotional reading led me to Jonah 3:1-10. Jonah was sent to tell the city of Nineveh that God was going to destroy them due to their wicked ways. Nineveh was an enemy of Israel, Jonah's hometown. When Jonah delivered the message to Nineveh, the entire city repented with fasting and prayer! Jonah got angry! He even told God that he knew this would happen, and that's why he didn't want to go and tell Nineveh in the first place. He then says to God, "Now, O Lord, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live."

The account in Jonah goes on to show us that God loves each and every single person. That he is a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity. We all know that Jesus told us to love and bless our enemies, but we also know that when someone has hurt us profoundly, that's the last thing we want to do. Luke 6:35-36 tells us that our reward will be great and we will be sons of the Most High when we love our enemies and do good to them because God is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.

So, how do we get past our negative feelings? Our anger, our hurt, even our vindictiveness? We need to focus on God and the good things he has blessed us with. We have something so much greater then our enemies, those that hurt us, slander us, or seek to destroy us have. We have a personal relationship with the "Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles" (2 Corinthians 1:2). I believe that when we pray for our enemies, that is what we should be praying for them to have. What greater blessing could you ask for your enemy?

Romans 8:25-39 goes on to explain to us that these times we are going through that are so heartbreaking and filled with anger, they are only temporary. God promises us great things. This passage tells us, "But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express......And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him....If God is for us, then who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus who died -more then that, who was raised to life - is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ..... No, in all these things we are more then conquerors through him who loved us. For I m convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

If we truly focus on these blessings that our heavenly Father has bestowed upon us, and then look at those that are hurting and persecuting us, how can our hearts not ache for those people? How can we not see that what they appear to have gained isn't worth anything at all really? How can we not pray for God to bless them in the same way that He has blessed us?

God is good, ALL THE TIM

Thought For The Day

2012-01-09T16:36:00.001-05:00

This morning one of the devotionals I read was based on Amos 8: 1-14. It discussed the Bible's viewpoint on the poor. Quite frankly, I think we are all alot more aware of poverty since our economy has tanked. More and more people each year are having to resort to government assistance, are losing their homes, are having their cars repossessed, and despite earnest searches for work....aren't find them! Food pantries have empty shelves and soup kitchens are packed. The 99% are wondering how the 1% can waste so much instead of giving it to the 99%. Each day, someone else becomes aware of poverty the hard way.

Someone may have asked you what you think of poverty? That question has been posed alot lately in the media. The Bible clearly states that we are to look after the poor. We are to give to the needy. Jesus himself said that anytime we look after the poor, it's the same as if we have looked after him.

Yet, my devotional posed a question today that caught my attention. First though, if you would, read the following scriptures. If you don't have a Bible, you can go to biblegateway.com and in the search bar type in the scripture. You will then be able to read it there. After reading the passages below, contemplate the question below it. I'd be interested in your thoughts if you'd like to share them either by posting them as a comment or by emailing them to me.

Isaiah 61:1-3
Matthew 25: 31-46
Luke 4:16-21

Question: Why do you think God identifies Himself with the poor?

My Year Without Sex

2012-01-08T23:45:00.000-05:00

First let me say, I am almost convinced that this blog post will get more viewers then any of my other recent blog post simply because it has the word "sex" in the title. Come on, you know it caught your attention also.

Now, let me explain. "My Year Without Sex" is the title of an Indie Film. I watched it on Netflix tonight. I typically only watch two types of films.....films with a strong inspirational current or indie films that delve into topics I can relate to.

"My Year Without Sex" is based on a married woman with children. She suffers a brain aneurysm and although she recovers, she is told she can not do any heavy lifting, sneezing, straining on the toilet, or orgasm. As the doctor says, three of those should be preventable.

I was pleased to see a film such as this. Having struggled with various health issues through the years, including Levator Syndrome, I can relate. Most men and women who struggle with chronic health issues will find many scenes in this movie they can relate to. However, this film also looks at it from the caretakers view also. The point is even made in the film that often the caretaker's role and needs are overlooked. I totally recommend this movie to couples where one has health issues that impedes the sexual relationship within the marriage.

I personally would not let my children see this film. This movie has a strong sexual undercurrent. It points out how society (this movie is based in Australia) is bombarding us with sex. This movie advocates for monogamy in a marriage and shows how adultery adversely affects all involved, even the mistress years later. Christianity is discussed throughout the movie, presenting it both from a devout Christian's viewpoint (even showing the devout Christian at moments of uncertainty) as well as from someone contemplating God's existence for the first time in their life.

This movie also touches on topics such as living on a tight budget, keeping up with the Joneses, and other scenes that will remind you of your own life!

911 Emergency

2012-01-08T13:46:00.000-05:00

I woke this morning in a dark place. I felt overwhelmed and hopeless. I thought about our financial situation and how impossible it seems. I thought about our home, how many years the children and I have dreamed of owning one, and how heartbroken we'll all be if we lose it. I thought about my husband and his addictions and how they've hurt all of us, even him. I thought about the vows he broke, and the hearts that broke with it. I drove myself crazy thinking about how the timing of my health issues were horrible. At a time when I need to be up and doing all I can to try to earn money, instead I'm bound to my couch and bed. I have to have someone near me to walk due to the severity of the dizziness I still have. My vision is still blurred and warped. Why now? Why at a time when I need to be healthy and able to provide for my children?

I laid here on the couch (where I'd slept last night) and let all these negative thoughts play through my mind. I grew more and more depressed and felt like just screaming out and crying. I realized that I was being attacked emotionally. You see, the Bible at Ephesians 6:12 says, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

I wanted to just lie here and cry. I wanted to just crawl in a hole and never come out. I wanted to just give up. Yet, I know that Satan is the number one reason all these bad things have happened to our family over the last few months and I was determined not to give him another victory. So, I reached over to where my daughter had laid my devotional the evening before and begin to read.

The devotional talked about how here in the US, when there is an emergency you dial 911. Well, when in the midst of a spiritual emergency, we should also dial 911....Psalms 91:1. It reads, "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty."

The devotional also speaks of how when we face the crisis of life, we try to survive on our own. That's exactly what I've been doing. I've been telling everyone that I know God will take care of us. I know that He will. Yet, when I start to worry and panic, I run through all these different scenarios in my mind. All the horrible things that might happen....losing our home, losing what little tiny income we do have, not having a place to stay, not having any way to keep our material possessions, not being able to get kids to their doctor appointments, etc. I start trying to figure out how I'm going to keep all these things from happening, and I stress, and I cry. There is no other way to look at it....right now the situation the children and I are in is totally and completely hopeless. However, if we dwell in the shelter of our Lord, we will rest in His shadow. This chapter in Psalms goes on to assure us that we make the Most High our dwelling, then no harm will come to us and no disaster will come near us. He'll command His angels to guard us! He says he will rescue and protect us. Do you know why He says He'll do this??? Because we love Him and acknowledge His name!! He is Jehovah Jireh... The Lord Will Provide. (Genesis 22:14)

So remember, when it all is just to much, dial 911. Psalms 91:1 and take comfort knowing that since you love God, He will protect you. If you don't know God, then now is the time. It only takes one step....ask God to forgive you of your sins and tell him that you know He sent His son to die for those sins. Ask Him to draw you close to Him, to come into your heart, and show you His love for you. God loves each one of us very very much. His love is unconditional, which means it doesn't matter what sins you've committed and it doesn't matter what sins have been commuted onto you. You are a beautiful child of God, and He's been waiting for you to come to Him.

God is good, ALL THE TIME.

Please take a moment to play the video below! ;-)

Greater Then My Dreams

2012-01-07T22:10:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been forced to have to let go of some of my dreams. Dreams I've held onto for a very long time. Dreams I don't want to let go of.

I've reminded myself, and spoken aloud, repeatedly that God's plans are greater and more beautiful then any dreams I may have. I didn't have a scripture to back up what I was saying, I just knew it was true.

Today a friend of mine sent me some encouraging scriptures after I received some pretty intimidating news. It's one of those situations where you are down to nothing. Where you stand to lose all your material possessions due to lack of funds, but you have health issues that have come upon you and there is nothing you can do to ward off the onslaught of unpaid bills. We haven't even lived in our dream home a year.

Yet, I cling to the hope that God's plans are better then my dreams and my friend sent me some scriptures to help encourage me. One of the scriptures she sent was Ephesians 3:20. It reads, "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us". So, now I have a scripture to back it up. God's plans truly are bigger then my dreams!

If you to, like me, are struggling with letting go of your own dreams and are wondering how you'll pay the bills, support the kids, and just make it through today.............then please take a few moments to read these scriptures below that my friend sent me.

"And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." ~ 2 Corinthians 9:8

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." ~ Philippians 4:6,19

If you read these scriptures above, and you think that God wouldn't hear your prayers, you are wrong. If you think you've screwed up to bad, done to many wrong things, aren't good enough..........it doesn't matter. Maybe you think that since you've hated God for so long, or because you knew Him but turned from Him, that He won't want you back......but He does want you. You are more precious to God then you can ever imagine. God wants you to come to Him and have a relationship with Him. The first step is merely asking Him to forgive you of your sins and asking Him to come into your heart, your life, your soul. God loves you so much He sent His son to die for your sins, so that you could be forgiven and have a relationship with Him. God is the only person who will ever truly be able to love you 100% unconditionally while knowing both the sins you've committed, and the sins that have been committed to you. All you have to do..... is ask.

Press on....

2012-01-07T13:32:00.002-05:00

"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 3:7-14

We are standing at the start of a new year, a new beginning. We have an entire 12 months ahead of us. Yet, some of us will spend it looking behind us, focused on negative things that happened to us in 2011. Some of us are focused still on things that happened to us the year before, or 5 years before, or 10 years before, or maybe even 50 years before.

It's easy to get caught up in the past. There are various reasons I've gotten caught up in the past. At times it seemed the heartache was to great to do anything else but grieve. Other times it seemed everything reminded me of that event or person of the past. Once, I was worried that someone I loved would think I didn't love them if I didn't cling to the past. I could go on and on.

In Genesis, Chapter 19, we learn of Lot and his family. They lived in Sodom, a town that God had decided to destroy. Angels came to Lot and told him to gather his family and flee the city so that they might be saved. The angels told Lot and his family as they were fleeing, "Flee for your lives! Don't look back, and don't stop anywhere in the plain! Flee to the mountains or you will be swept away!" God waited until Lot and his family safely reached the land God agreed not to destroy before raining down burning sulfur from heaven on Sodom. Yet, although Lot and his family had been instructed not to "look back", Lot's wife did turn and look back, and was turned to a pillar of salt.

Paul knew the story of Lot and his wife. Yet, Paul wrote in Philippians that we should forget "what is behind us". Paul understood that if we stand looking over our shoulder, that we'd never fully be able to focus on where we were going.

We each need to be as Paul, determined to press on and strive "towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called us heavenward in Christ Jesus". God has amazing things in store for you, but if you can't let go of the past, you won't be able to take hold of your future.

My New Year's Accomodations

2012-01-01T13:29:00.001-05:00

Well, I can honestly say that my New Year's did not go as I planned. I had planned to spend this New Years the same way I have spent the last 14...curled up in bed with my kiddoes, bed piled high with snacks, and watching the ball drop. We always talk about the events of the past year, and what we hope to accomplish in the upcoming year. We pray and ask God to show us His will for the next year. We eat lots of junk food, cuddle and critique the bands that play.

However, this year, just as the ball was dropping....I was having an IV blow out! Yep, I was in the hospital.

I'm not even going to go into the long story of how I ended up here, or why I'm still here. Let's just say I've been in massive pain since Wednesday and docs are still trying to get it worked out. The docs have made it very clear I'm not leaving until they get it all figured out and I'm no longer in pain. The pain started the last day of October, so frankly, I'm ready for it to go away as well.

One of my goals for this year is to try to look at things in a more positive perspective. So, I'm going to start today! I'm in the hospital, I'm in pain, and I could whine and complain alot right now. Instead, I'm going to look at the bright side! So, here goes.....

1: The constant nausea is a sure fire bet that I'm going to lose weight
2: I don't have to do any housework
3: I don't have to wash laundry since all I'm allowed to wear is a gown
4: I get to wear a stylish, comfortable, gown that shows any in the room my derriere. Wondering how this is a positive? Well, if I want to get rid of someone, I just crawl out of bed! ;-)
5: I am now throughly educated on the best place to place an IV, where not to place an IV, and what an IV feels like just before it blows.
6: Should I feel like it, I have access to cable television.
7: I've been here so long that the nutrition guy knows me by name and even knows how I like my tray being left!

8. I get these cute little leftover treats from the hospital holiday party.
9. It's legal for me to get "high" now.
10. I have people come check on me every little bit!
11. I don't have to shave!

OK, so obviously I'm really struggling with this whole optimistic looking at the bright side. I'm trying though. I have my laptop and discovered that BibleGateway.com reads the Bible aloud (which is good since my vision is still pretty messed up). I also can watch Netflix which has an assortment of inspirational movies (watch The Encounter). The doctors are promising to make sure I am well before sending me home, unlike the hospital that released me Wednesday, which thus resulted in my passing out on my bathroom floor!

Most important, I have God. He's right here with me and He loves me. God is good, ALL THE TIME.

PS. This blog was written under the influence of legally administered prescription medications and under duress of extreme pain. Therefore, any and all statements are to be taken with that in consideration. That said.....next person that shows up to visit has to help me shower!

Today is my Wedding Anniversary

2011-12-26T16:01:00.001-05:00

Enough said.

But it's really not is it? Because today is supposed to be a happy happy happy day. Today is supposed to be a day we spend together, celebrating the wonderful union we have with God.

Yet instead, today is 1 month and 1 day since you left. Today is 1 month, 3 weeks and 4 days since you told me you'd do whatever it took for our family.....that you'd get the help you needed to be the man God desired you to be....that you loved our children and me and that a life without us wasn't a life worth living.Today is 1 month, 3 weeks and 3 days since you said that you'd stand by me through whatever the doctors found regarding the pain in my head.....tumors, cancer, whatever you said. You said you'd stand by me through all of it, just as I've stood by you through all your surgeries. Do you realize, that between you saying those things....and your leaving...was only 3 weeks and a few days. 3 weeks that I sat by your side nursing you back to health after you got to high and stepped from a moving vehicle. 3 weeks that you told me how much you loved us, how scared you were at what you'd done, how certain you were that substance abuse counseling and one on one therapy was what you needed, and that with me by your side you could do it. 3 weeks that I covered for you, and didn't let people know you'd done it intentionally or that you were not only high on multiple drugs, but that you were carrying drugs on your person when the accident happened. Enough drugs to sale even. 3 weeks that I struggled with your mood swings, your personality changes, and the physical pain you were enduring as well as the fact that you pawned off the drugs on my person, without my knowledge, while waiting on the EMTs to arrive.

You stood us up for Thanksgiving. You told me you wanted to see the kids for Christmas, and stood us up for that as well. You still haven't paid any of the past due bills you stuck us with, despite your having spent our bill money on drugs the day you stepped out of a moving vehicle and despite your having taken the entire months income with you.

Today is hard for me....it's supposed to be a day of celebration. I spent the first half crying and heartbroken. I've spent the majority comforting the children you've abandoned. I'm spending the rest of it praying for you. Because no matter how bad you've hurt the kids and me, no matter how great our pain.....you are so very far from the only thing that can save you.....God.

ReInvent Myself

2011-12-24T23:19:00.001-05:00

Sitting here this evening, overwhelmed and heartbroken, I thought "I need to reinvent myself". Then I stopped.

"ReInvent"? What does that mean anyway? Society says when we are left behind by our spouse, we need to "reinvent" ourselves. But, what does that really mean?

Webster's gives the following definitions:

"to make as if for the first time something already invented"

"to remake or redo completely"

"to bring into use again"

The first definition automatically makes me think of God. He has already invented me. He created me with a plan, and a purpose. I of course have swerved from that purpose, placing another person's expectations for me above God's plan for me. I know the purpose God created me to serve, and it's time that I "make as if for the first time" that plan for my life.

The second definition says to "remake or redo completely". My first though is, "If only I could". But then I realize, I CAN. God sent his only son Jesus to earth. He was born in a manger because there was no room in the inn. His was a miracle conception and foretold hundreds of years before his birth. Angels rejoiced. Jesus grew in his physical body and started his ministry. He educated, and led others to us. He then died, as a redemption for our sins, for MY sins, for YOUR sins. Our sins were made clean by his blood. When God looks at us now, he sees us through rose colored glasses.....glasses tinted by the blood of Christ. He sees us clean, pure, beautiful. By accepting Christ as my savior, by confessing my sins and asking God's forgiveness.....I get to "redo completely".

The last one is "to bring into use again". First though....I'm always busy. I never even get breaks! Yet, that's not necessarily what this definition means. If I'm not living God's purpose for my life, then I'm not really "in use". Think of it this way, a while back my blender broke. For a few days, the base set on the floor in my kitchen, blocking open a door. The blender was being used, but it was not "in use" for it's purpose.

I know that when people tell me I need to "reinvent" myself, they usually are not referring to anything scripturally. They think I should get new clothes, dye my hair (ok, so I did do that one), go to a party, and make some bold life changes. Yet, the fact of the matter is, none of those things will ever make me happy. The ONLY thing that will make me happy will be to follow God's plan and will for my life.

I'm going to reinvent myself. I'm going to start by reading my Bible more, talking to God more, fasting, and having an accountability partner (any takers?). I'm going to find His plan for my life, and not let anyone else pressure me to sway from that course.

A lot of people would walk away from God now. They'd look at all the horrible things happening in their life (and trust me, there is a LOT of horrible things happening to my children and myself right now) and walk away. They'd get angry at God, blame Him, and wonder why He is doing such bad things. They'd feel like maybe they weren't good enough, or maybe it was their fault.

Let me assure you, if things are going bad in your life....God is NOT doing this to you. It's Satan. He'll do anything to steal your joy, to make you turn from God. He'll hurt you, and then try to convince you it's your fault, or that you deserved it.

In times of trouble, when things are bad,and you feel that you just can't go on..... First, praise God. Speak out loud how wonderful he is! List the reasons why he's so wonderful. Second.....accept the fact that no matter what Satan throws your way, God is BIGGER STRONGER SMARTER then Satan and He'll always provide the way out for you.

God is good, ALL THE TIME.

Maybe it's time for you to reinvent yourself also?

What I learned this Christmas....

2011-12-17T23:53:00.001-05:00

Just before Thanksgiving this year, my husband decided he wanted nothing to do with myself or our three children. He wouldn't even share Thanksgiving dinner with us. He left us with past due bills and took the entire months' income with him. Everything looked dark and dreary...... hopeless.

I think the worst thing that happens when a spouse abandons you is that you lose your hope in people....all people. You lose your faith in the goodness of people. You look around and feel that everyone around you is living a lie. If the person you cared most for, the person you were closest to, the person who knew you better then anyone and the person you knew best.......if that person can suddenly walk out and abandon you, then can you really trust anyone at all?

I would pull up in a parking lot and look at fathers walking with their children and think, "Poor kids....they'll be crushed when he walks out on them". I'd see a couple holding hands and walking in a park and think, "I bet she thinks she knows him." I'd hear people make promises to me, and think "Only until it's not convenient for you". All my faith and hope in humankind was gone.

So, I prayed. I am so shattered that praying is difficult. I become so overwhelmed with emotions that the words just won't come. I cry out in agony and just ask God over and over again to help me. To help my children. I asked God that if all this heartache had to happen to us, then could He please please please at least let others be touched by it and come to know Him. I've learned in life that begging for God to make all the bad to go away doesn't work, but that God can take ANY situation and bring it to good.

At these times, in these moments of agonizing prayer, I'm comforted by the words at Romans 8:26-28, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love him."

This Christmas, an anonymous donor contacted the electric company wanting to pay someone's bill as a gift. This wonderful person paid two past due bills for us, preventing our disconnect today. I don't know who they are, but they wished our family a "Merry Christmas". Two friends helped me to pay the mortgage this month. One friend did so by giving me some of her birthday money she'd gotten. I'm not even sure if the other family could really "afford" to help, but they did so anyway. They also purchased gifts for our children, including some much much needed clothing for our family. Another friend took us shopping so we could get immediate needs met, such as shoes, clothing and even underwear, even though they struggle as a single parent! Someone brought us a large bag of dog food to help feed the large dog my husband left behind. They also helped us to set up a larger kennel for the dog and provide her with an area protected from rain. A friend, her mother, and her sister (who I'd never met) donated groceries, laundry detergent, toilet paper, paper towels, a tree, decorations and Christmas gifts for the children. We had three invitations for Thanskgiving dinner last month, and not one of them asked us to bring anything. To top it off.....we got to take home leftovers that fed us for a week. Someone I've never met gave me a gift bag with Mary Kay items in it! Another friend, despite tons of medical bills, brought by gifts for the children. Person after person has offered prayers for our family.

It's a good thing the Holy Spirit prays for us when we can't, and that God hears our prayers. I never prayed for God to restore my faith in people, but my heavenly Father did so anyway.

Tonight, I sat down to wrap presents. Growing up, I didn't celebrate holidays. I have not experienced it as an adult either. Holidays seemed to me so dismal....a blatant reminder of the greed of people. How they would shove and push to get the "best deal" at a store. How people would brag about all they'd gotten for other people for Christmas which only reminded me of the Pharisees. How families would go in debt just to keep up appearances so others wouldn't know how broke they truly were.

Yet, tonight I sat down and wrapped presents. As I wrapped each one, I'd think about the pleasure and joy I was going to see on the children's faces when they opened their gifts. I thought about the person who'd so carefully chosen that gift for them. I thought of how they had not done so for personal gain, but to help my children get through a Christmas darkened with their father's absence. I thought of how my children were going to learn that even in their darkest hour, God is there for them and providing for them abundantly!As I looked at the gifts others have poured upon us, I think of the scripture at Matthew 7:11 that reads, "If you, then, though evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

I don't know what worries tomorrow will bring. God tells me not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself and that each day has enough trouble for it's own. God also says he'll provide all our needs....our clothing, our food, our drink. (Matthew 6:30-34)I feel as if I have nothing left to give, but God tells me that those who hope in Him "will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:31)

The children and I are learning that when all is dark, lost, hopeless........when others mock you and turn from you because they scoff at your faith in God........when each day seems to heap more worries........when tears come more then laughter...........it's at these times that we praise God. It's these times we sing Him songs, we praise Him in our prayers, we shout to the world His blessings in our life.

It's pretty hard to hear Satan whispering deceit in your ear when you're singing praises to your Father whose love never fails.

This Christmas, God showed me that, like the Samaritan that stopped and cared for the injured and robbed man lying on the side of the road.....there are still men and women today that reach out to others they do not know. (Luke 10:25-37) God showed me that like the widow who offered only a mite, that people today will still give out of their necessity to help others in worse need. (Mark 12:41-44) God showed me that those hurting others are those far from Him and hurting themselves. He's reminded me to forgive seventy times seven. (Matthew 18:21-23) God has reminded me that even when someone is trying to harm me, or my children, that God can intend it for good and use it to reach others for Him. (Genesis 50:20)

This Christmas, God restored my faith in people and in mankind.

Dear God,

You are Most High over all the earth. You are the beginning and the end There will never be another like You, whose mercy and love flows abundantly and never ceasing. I pray this day God that you touch the lives of each person the children and I come in contact with. God, use us. If it means that bad things happen, so be it. Use us to show YOUR love and YOUR provisions, even in the midst of the storm. Use us please to bring others into a relationship with you. Touch my husband and open his heart to your love and mercy. Please, let those that we come in contact with know that you love them, knowing their sin and loving them unconditionally anyway. Use me O Lord......here I am, send me.

in Jesus name, Amen

You are the strong one

2011-12-16T12:00:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, you introduced me as "the strong one".

You dear, you are the strong one. You are the one who has never let people forget how your beautiful son died. You are the one that held the people who contributed to his death responsible. You are the one who made sure laws were changed so that other children would be protected. You are the one who comforted me and helped me to carry on when I was crushed with the guilt, thinking something I had said could have made a difference in his life.

You are the one who now is sitting in a hospital room, watching your "better half" of 11 years slowly fade away. You are the one who still comforted me when we spoke of your son that was gone so many years ago. You are the one who is still smiling for others when inside you must be experiencing such great ache and agony. You are the one who is still clinging to God, even as you wonder if He's given you more then you can bear.

You, dear Pam, you are the strong one. I love you and I would do anything to take this away from you. (((((hugs))))))

Please pray for my dear friend Pam, her husband Bob, and their entire family.

Provisions...and more

2011-12-12T16:07:00.002-05:00

God is good, ALL THE TIME. I've saidthis to myself over and over again the last few weeks. It's beendifficult, trying to deal with the kids emotional distress. Worryinghow I'd pay off the past due bills my estranged husband left us with and how I'll support our children from month to month. All this on top of stilltrying to get my eldest diagnosed and healthy again AND raising twochildren with Autism Spectrum Disorders.

The other day the children and I werelistening to K-Love on the radio. They were sharing how anonymouspeople were walking into stores and paying off other people's lay aways. The kids and I had a long discussion about how we want to beable to do stuff like that. We talked about how we could simplify ourlives, what the minimum yearly income is we need to live on, and howwe can earn much more then that and give it away to those in need. Wealso discussed our dream of turning part of our property into acampground for families that have children with special needs, tostay free of charge. The prospect of living for others, andministering to them through God's love, brightened our day.

Yesterday morning I was reading in 2Kings. Hezekiah was king. To make a long story short, the king ofAssyria was quite powerful. Through his reign he conquered many greatnations. He now wanted King Hezekiah's nation. The king of Assyria tried to get thepeople to turn against Hezekiah. He mocked Hezekiah, telling thepeople that God would not save them. He sent a letter to Hezekiahstating that none of the other nations he conquered were saved bytheir Gods, and that Hezekiah should not be decieved by his God.Hezekiah received the letter and read it. The Bible says he then went“up to the house of the Lord, and spread it before the Lord”.Hezekiah then prayed, but instead of just asking that he and hispeople be saved, he asked that God be shown to the world throughthese circumstances.

As I read that, I thought about how Ishould be doing as Hezekiah was. Instead of worrying over the pastdue bills, worrying over the electric being disconnected, worryingover having no phone, worrying over the mortgage, worrying about myseemingly impending divorce, worrying about my children.......insteadof worrying....I needed to spread those worries out before the Lord,just as Hezekiah had done. I needed to pray to Him to handle those worries, and ask that He be glorified through doing so.

So, last night I got a plastic bin andwrote on the side of it “Worry Box”. I then wrote the scripturefrom 2 Kings 19:14, “Hezekiah received the letter from the hand ofthe messengers, and read it; and Hezekiah went up to the house of theLord, and spread it before the Lord.” I read the passage to thechildren, and explained that we were going to write down our worriesand put them in the “Worry Box”. By doing so, we were spreadingit before the Lord. We were going to pray over those worries,as Hezekiah did (verse 15-19) andthen trust God to handle them. We weren't going to worry anymoreabout those things. When we find ourselves worrying, we'll toss thoseworries in the box as well. The very first thing that went into the“Worry Box” last night was the power bill.

The power bill has been a major causeof concern. Although my estranged husband assured me he'd pay thebills that were due in November, none have been paid. In addition tothe bills due this month, I also have past due bills and late feesfrom last month as well. I had attempted to get the power bill put inmy name, but was told I had to pay off the past due amount in hisname to do so. The power was due to be disconnected the 17^thof this month. I tried to get charities to pay it, but because thebill was in my estranged husband's name, I was told the only way itwould get paid is if he came into the office to get the assistance.He refused to do so. I called the power company in tears, beggingthem to do something...anything to buy me more time. They were ableto juggle things around so that if I paid a $175 deposit, they'd giveme another month to come up with the past due amount, in addition tothe bill that would be due then as well. So, I was looking at havingto pay 3 full electric bills at one time. Those three bills, plus the deposit equaled aprx $680.

This morning, I had to do a review withSSI (one of our son's receive it). The call was horrible. The woman Ispoke with kept demanding to know how I intended to pay the bills.She told me repeatedly that I could not use the SSI check to pay thebills (I used his check to pay the $175 deposit to keep the electric on). At one point, when sherequested information and I told her I'd have to email to get it shereplied, “Well, you have internet so someone must be paying thatbill for you”. I'd already told her the phone and internet is dueto be disconnected but that I don't know when. It hasn't been paidfor November or December, but since I'm not on the account they won'tdiscuss with me when the disconnect is. After several times of herdemanding to know how I intended to pay the bills, I finally toldher, “I don't know. I'm trusting God to provide for our needsbecause I don't see anyway that I can.” That only served to makeher more upset and by the end of the call I was in tears. She made itvery clear that I may lose his SSI check, since I have no way tosupport us. She also told me that I must contact her any time Ireceive assistance with the bills or any kind of income.

I hung up the phone and called afriend. I was so upset at how I'd been treated. It's one thing toknow you can't pay your bills and support your children, it's anotherthing when you're told that you may lose the only income you have tohelp your child, simply because the person in charge doesn't believethat you don't have another income. I told my friend that the powerbill was really hanging over me and just seemed like a dark cloudalways there. I then looked up and saw the “Worry Box”. I thoughtto myself, “That's it. I put it in the box, God has it now, I'm notworrying about it”. As soon as the thought ran through my mind, thecall waiting beeped. I looked at the caller ID and couldn't believeit. IT WAS THE ELECTRIC COMPANY!! Seriously?? I had just decided notto worry about the electric bill and trust in God, and now they were calling. I felt like crying and answered the phone in disbelief.

“Mrs. Basinger? Hi. This is….........., I spoke to you the other day about your situation withyour electric bill. I've had someone contact our company that wantsto pay off a power bill anonymously an thought of your family. Ijust wanted to check with you first and make sure that it's OK ifthey pay your bill.”

Yes, I broke down and sobbed. Yes, Itold her about the phone call I'd just had and how I was trustingGod. Yes, I cried and cried and cried. And I PRAISED God!

God is good ALL THE TIME. I stood in mydrive a couple weeks ago and I yelled at Satan. I told him that nomatter what he sent my way....that no matter what he did and nomatter how much he sent heartbreak to us....that my children and myself wouldNEVER quit praising God and trusting in Him. I told him to give it his best shot, causemy God is more powerful, more wonderful, and more incredible then hecould ever hope to be. My God is greater.

And today, my God PROVED IT! Not onlydid God provide our needs for electricity, but the woman at SSI whoscoffed when I said God would provide our needs is going to get aletter from the electric company showing that HE DID!! People who'vetold me that I get myself into these situations because I'm “tonice” and “forgive to much” get to see that doing what Christwould do only means God is going to provide abundantly. All those whoshook their head and wondered how every day I could say over and overthat God is good ALL THE TIME, when it seems everything my way isfalling apart.......they will see that God truly is good ALL THETIME. My children, who have shattered hearts and faltering hope, hashad their faith in God (and those that follow Him) restored yetagain.....the fourth time in a matter of a little over a week thatthey've seen God's provision for our family. And I, being on thereceiving end of some giving souls this month..... I'vesolidified my dreams of living a life dedicated to serving others intheir time of need.

I can't begin to express to each of youhow important it is to continue to praise God. The last several weekshave been difficult. There were days I felt I had NOTHING to praiseGod about (apart from my children that is). Days when to praise Himseemed almost hypocritical. Yet, I kept hearing Joyce Meyer's voicein my head say, “Fake it till you make it”. So, even on the worstdays, I kept praising Him and telling all that He is good ALL THETIME.

No matter how dark your day maybe....no matter how much your heart aches and groans in misery....nomatter how troubled your spirit........no matter how hopelesstomorrow works............. keep praising Him. He won't make a liarout of you....I promise.

RIP Dixie

2011-11-12T00:31:00.001-05:00

RIP Dixie

I don't know where to start. I guessfirst I need to tell you how we met Dixie.

Our family purchased a home in a veryrural area in March of this year. It's perfect....the location is allwe've ever dreamed of. We live in the midst of a forest, with a lakenearby. Neighbors are practically non-existent and we never hearsounds of traffic. Our lullabies are crickets, frogs and wonderful,peaceful, calming sounds of night.

About a week after we started movingin, my friend James and I were traveling with my three children to gopack up some more belongings at our former home. As we came near astop sign, we saw something run across the road. We weren't quitesure what it was, but thought it might be a dog. Living in a ruralarea means that it's not uncommon to see animals get dumped. Westopped at the stop sign, opened the driver's door, and whistled. Upcame running Dixie. She was wagging her tail so much the whole backhalf of her was swinging from side to side. Without hesitation sheclimbed into the drivers door, under his legs, across the centerconsole and stretched herself across my 3 children's laps.

I'd always told my daughter, Keara,that when we bought a home, we'd get a dog. She'd waited 11 years.When we bought our home, she told Pookie (our 5 year old son withAutism) about our deal. He had prayed each night for a week for Godto give us a dog. When Dixie stretched out across his and hissiblings laps, he smiled as big as he could and with wide eyed wondertold me, “Mommy! God gave me a dog!” Whose to argue with achild's faith?

A few weeks after Dixie came into ourlives, it was warm enough for the children to go swimming. You knowthe time of year....when the air outside is warm, the sun is bringinga warmth to your skin that you longed for all winter, and though noadult would ever get into the still chilled water, the kids all thinkit feels great! As us adults sat on the shore with Dixie, ourchildren frolicked and played in the lake. Our 11 year old daughter,got caught in a current. Though she could paddle and keep herself inthe same spot, she couldn't get up to shore. As I was getting readyto get in to bring her to shore, Dixie jumped in the water. To ourshock and surprise, Dixie swam out to Keara, placed her collar underKeara's hand, and pulled her to shore. Everyone was shocked andthrilled.

Dixie seemed to also have been trainedas a therapy dog. Though we have no knowledge of her background, shealways stayed beside Pookie when he was out of doors. She would runbeside him on his bike, and even get in front of him if she felt hewent to far. He would lie down, resting his head on her and she wascontent. When he would start to have a meltdown, she would come andpush against him.....calming him tremendously. She was in tune withhim on a level I'd never seen between child and pet.

As time progressed, so did Pookie. Hisneurologist wasn't surprised. He'd told me the best thing I could dofor him, and his older brother that has Asperger's, was to get them agood dog. He said he'd seen children advance and make progress with adog that otherwise wouldn't have been accomplished.

A few months after God brought usDixie, our daughter was attacked by a much larger dog. Dixie was acocker spaniel mix. The other dog was a German Shepard/Lab mix.Dixie, despite being a fourth of this other dogs size, defended Kearawith a vengeance. I have no doubts that she saved my daughter's life.At one point, Dixie stuck her entire snout into the other dogs mouth!

Dixie became loved by all the childrenthat came to visit. Being that I have children on the autisticspectrum and with health issues, I am often visited by other familiesthat have children with special needs. Dixie always connected withthem. She offered them a sense of security and calm in a world thesechildren often don't understand. Somehow, Dixie made everything OK.

When my 14 year old with Aspergers,Keeg, decided to walk to my parent's house, it was almost dark. Ihadn't realized he had left, but merely thought he was taking a quitetime in “his spot” in the woods near our house. When my daughterand I began to look for him, it was getting close to dark. He didn'tanswer, he wasn't in “his spot”, and we began to worry he waslost. We walked the drive, calling for him, but to no avail. Inoticed that Dixie wasn't in the house, or outside. I knew that ifDixie wasn't coming to us when we started to call her, then one oftwo things was happening. Either Keeg was hurt and Dixie wouldn'tleave his side, or they were out of ear shot. This realizationprompted me to run back to the house so I could call 911. By now itwas dark, and it was cold out. Keeg was only wearing shorts and flipflops. He has health issues and is unusually weak. I was panicked. AsI started to call 911, a call came through from my parent's. I heardKeeg's voice say, “Hey Mom!” He hadn't realized the gravity ofwhat he'd done. He said that when he started to leave our propertyand Dixie followed, he tried to run her home, but she wouldn't leavehim. He said she stayed with him the entire time. At one point hesaid he saw some dogs and was scared, but Dixie barked a few timesand that was that. He had gotten scared on the way, and cold, butDixie kept him centered and moving forward. He said without her, he'dhave probably hid in the woods on the side of the road. But, Dixiewas there with him and so he knew it would be OK.

After that incident, Dixie got it intoher head that she could leave our yard and try to get to my parentswhere she'd walked with Keeg that night. Although she occasionallywandered to our neighbors home (often invited by the renters thatstayed there), she never went the opposite direction unless leashed.Yet, for some reason she figured that if she'd gotten to go thatnight, she was going to continue. Finally, we quit letting her go outwith the boys unless she was leashed. She spent her time in the houseand at times would drive me insane. She was used to running andjumping with Pookie, and since she didn't have that outlet outside,decided to do it inside. Pook of course missed the same play, andactively participated indoors.

A week ago tomorrow, my husband wasinvolved in a terrible accident. He suffered a skull fracture and anepidural hematoma, pooling blood and air pockets that put pressure onhis brain. He was air lifted to a hospital to be seen by aneurosurgeon. We are blessed to have a large network of prayerwarriors, all who spread the word quickly and got many people prayingfor him. He was blessed, and quite surprisingly to all, came homeafter only 1 night in ICU, and 1 night on a general floor. He is inpain, and has memory loss. He also doesn't remember much of whathappens in a day. He has to stay supervised for the most part, asoften he doesn't remember his injuries.

While we were in the hospital, Dixiewas left alone. Although she was fed, watered, and taken out.....shehad not been alone since God brought her to us. I remember my horrorwhen we got home from the hospital. There was not a square inch offloor uncovered. Toys from the kids rooms were scattered throughoutthe house, mixed with the garbage that had sat in the can unattendedduring our hospital stay. I couldn't believe one stressed out dogcould have created such destruction.

I felt bad for having left her coopedup and unattended. I let her out and stayed with her to make sure shedidn't run off. She stayed right around the house. Apparently herextended stay inside, only being taken out long enough to use thebathroom and only seeing someone for 10 minutes a day had fixed herissue of running off. She stayed close to the house, only venturingto the end of our personal driveway, then coming back. She was sohappy to see us.

The next day, I had to run into townto grab some groceries. I couldn't find anyone to stay with myhusband, but had to get him something to eat. I timed my trip so thathe'd be sleeping and rushed to get things done. I came back in aprx30 minutes. As I rushed to come in and check on him, Dixie jumpedfrom the van. I checked on my husband, and went out. Dixie stood atthe end of our personal driveway barking. I knew she was barking atthe trespassing hunters. I'd seen their truck on my way in. Despitecontinually asking hunters to leave our property and the propertyadjoining ours, and explaining that we have to children with Autism,they still continue to return. Dixie stood at the end of the drivebarking as I carried in groceries. Suddenly, she quit barking andstarted wagging her tail. She got excited and her whole back endstarted to move back and forth. I couldn't help but smile. Dixiewould get so excited when she was going to get affection that she'dshake her back end so much she could barely run. She took off downthe drive. I assumed that someone we knew was coming down the drive.

I was wrong. When I got the last ofthe groceries in, I went to get Dixie in. No one had come up thedrive and I couldn't figure out what she had taken off the drive sohappy about. She wouldn't answer my call, and I didn't see nor hearany sign of her.

I found her later. It was dark and Iwas driving out the drive. I just happened to get a glimpse of hergreen collar as I drove by. My heart sank. I backed up and cut on myhigh beams. There was Dixie, laying on the side of the drive in thegrass. My heart sank as I realized she wasn't moving. “She's beenhit by a car” I thought. Then I thought, “She's just hurt. Thevet can save her!” I jumped out and ran towards her.....and then Isaw it. An arrow.....extending out of her. She was dead. My husbandsaid he was so scared and worried for me. He said it was as if Icrumpled, but was still standing on my feet. He said he'd never heardanyone scream like that. My heart was shattering....all I could seewas our beloved pet, our family, lying there with that arrowprotruding.

I drove back home and called my bestfriend. Halfway up the drive I stopped as my sobs and screams werewracking me so much that I couldn't drive. I made it home and calledmy best friend who advised me to report it to the police. I called911 and was told a deputy was coming out. I drove down to sit besideDixie, worried that the coyotes or other animals would disturb her.My husband insisted on coming with me, telling me he could never restknowing I was sitting there alone. I finally convinced him to go homeand lie down. I drove down the drive to turn around. There wereheadlights coming towards me, but as soon as I spotted theirs, theymust've seen me. They turned around rapid fast and took off down thedrive. Instinct made me go after them and I was shocked to see asmall pickup truck, very similar to the one that was there when I'dgotten home from the grocery store. I wrote down the tag number andreturned to give it to 911, hoping that the deputy coming out wouldsee them as he passed. When the officer arrived, I told him about thetruck. He had passed them on the way, but had not gotten the messagefrom dispatch. After getting all the needed information, he told methat unless they confessed, he couldn't do anything. If theyconfessed, the only thing he could do was give me the information sothat I could go to the magistrate for “destruction of personalproperty”. I was dumbfounded. These hunters repeatedly trespassposted private land, lured my dog from our property and shot it, andnothing could be done. I was told that nothing could be done becausetheir was a leash law, and my dog wasn't on a leash when he waskilled. My heart sank. She'd been killed within 15 minutes of jumpingfrom my van. I saw her run down the drive happily to greet hermurderers, and never had a clue what was happening. I even rememberhearing the truck drive up and leave as I was calling out to her, butnever considered that any hunter would ever harm an innocent dog.Especially not hunters that had already been told that there were twochildren with autism living in the home. Did they have no heart?

After the officer left, I made a callto my best friend. With my husband having a brain injury, he isn'tallowed to lift anything. There was no way I could bury Dixie as I'mnot strong enough to dig through the hard clay rock. She couldn't beburied until the next afternoon, when a friend of mine would get offwork and come do so. I had to get Dixie to the house and protectedfrom the wild animals of night. I drove down to where Dixie lay. Icould have walked there in less then 3 minutes, but it was very coldand I needed the warmth of the van. I took my camera and using theflash surveyed the area. I could see where the hunters had stood nextto Dixie in the tall grass, even as she stood in the grass beside thedrive that was mowed that very morning. The hunters and Dixie were onthe neighboring property to ours.......property that is private andposted as no hunting allowed. Using my headlights and the flash of mycamera, I walked a bit further down and saw a well worn path thehunters had been using to get from their truck to the adjoiningproperty. I came back and took pictures of Dixie. I wanted to makesure that somehow her death would not be in vain, and maybe thephotos would help that.

I sat with Dixie until my friend couldarrive. As we lifted Dixie to place her on a piece of wood, I almostchoked. When we lifted her up, we could see the other end of thearrow. We could see the angle, and how far the arrow protruded fromher. Although I had never doubted that it was intentional, due to herhaving been shot beside our drive, it had never occurred to meexactly how cold hearted these hunters had been. They had stooddirectly over her when they shot her. They shot her through the heartand the evidence of this was pooling around her. Dixie would havebeen looking up at them with her adoring eyes, tail wagging so muchthat her behind swung from side to side. How could they have lookedat that adoring face and brutally murdered her that way?

We laid her Dixie in the van andbrought her home for the last time. My husband had been building astorage building next to our home. We put her in there and wedged alarge piece of wood over the door. I laid awake for hours in bed thatnight. I just kept seeing those so called hunters standing over her,with her excited to be getting attention, and the arrow piercing her.Although I was glad it had been a shot straight through her heart, myown heart felt just as pierced. I cried throughout the night,muffling my sobs so as not to disturb my husband who was still inimmense pain from his injuries.

I woke the next morning going over theneeded chores to be done. Then the image of her laying beside ourdrive pierced through my mind. I got up quietly, pulled on my shoesand sweatshirt, and headed out with my camera. I walked this time.Though still cold, I needed that extra minute to prepare myself. Ihad noticed the night before that the end of the arrow with thequills had been broken off. I had remembered hearing in the past thathunters mark that end of their arrow with their initials or anidentifying mark. They do this so that they know who made “thekill”. I searched the area where I'd found Dixie and as I walkedback towards where their truck was parked, I found the broken pieceof the arrow that had the quills. Dixie's blood was still on it. Ifound two pieces, laying next to each other. Yet, the very end,beyond the quills, was missing. The part where the initials wouldhave been.

I then thought back to their returningthat night. I figured it had to be the same truck, despite it havingbeen dark and my vision being limited. Why else would they haveturned around so rapidly and taken off like a race car driver down acurvy gravel road when they saw me? I wondered for a moment why, asI'd done the night before. I felt that they must've been coming backto take Dixie's body. I still haven't thought of any other reasonthey would have had to return.

I came back home and headed straightto the shower. I thought back over the last week. Finding out myeldest son has to have a lung biopsy done, my husband's accident andinjuries, and now Dixie. I felt.....fragile. My husband woke as Icame through our bedroom. I got into the shower and as the waterpoured over me, I lost it. The tears wouldn't stop and I was grievingfor so many things. I was grieving for Dixie's life. I was grievinghaving to explain it all to my children. I was grieving for theirheartache. I was grieving for all the children that loved Dixie andwould have to be told. At some point, though I didn't notice, myhusband opened the shower door, turned off the water, wrapped me in atowel and held me. I was thinking of all the ways I might have savedher. If I hadn't taken her with me, if she'd been on a leash in thevan before I opened the door, if I hadn't carried in groceries first,if I'd gotten someone else to dog sit while I was caring for myhusband. I must've spoke these out loud because I remember my husbandtelling me over and over again that it wasn't my fault.

That afternoon, my two best bestfriends came over to help me bury Dixie. James had been there thefirst time we saw Dixie, and now he was helping lay her to rest. Itwas a very emotional time for us and anyone watching the three of uswould have surely wondered as to our sanity. It took a long time toshovel through the clay rock. When it came time to get Dixie readyand to lower her, my dear friends sent me on an errand so that Iwouldn't have to see. By the time I got back, the grave was alreadyhalf way filled in.

Yesterday evening my children camehome. Due to their father's injuries, they had not come home yet. Ispent the evening consoling Pookie. After he fell asleep, exhaustedfrom his cries, our older two children came to me. They cried forhours before falling into restless sleep.

Dixie was a blessing to our family. Iwill never be able to understand how anyone could take the life of aninnocent. I've never been able to understand how someone could get soangry at another that they would intentionally hurt their children.Maybe these so called hunters thought that by killing my children'stherapy dog, that I would leave them alone and let them hunt here.Maybe they figured I'd settle for keeping my kids inside at all timesfor fear of them hunting next to my home. I guess I'll never knowwhat they were thinking. Part of me hopes that they will always seeher beautiful eyes and her wagging tail begging for love as they tookher life. Yet, what I really want is for pets and children to beforever safe from these people. I want to make sure that somehow,these people are never allowed near my home again. I want to knowthat my children can jump on their trampoline, ride their bikes, andcheck the mailbox without being worried that they'll be mistaken forgame. My children always wear hunter orange vest when venturing intothe forest, even the forest on our own property. Should they have towear it just to jump on the trampoline or to check their own mailbox?

I pray that somehow, some way, ourhome is restored to the dream home that we envisioned it to be. Ipray that the children with special needs, and even those without,can come here again and not worry about whether or not they may bewithin feet of a hunters bow or gun. I pray that once again this homeand these woods can become that which God intended it to be.........paradise.

RIP Baby Girl. We love you.

Generation Gap and A Soldier

2011-09-16T19:37:00.003-04:00

Today, the children and I attended afield trip. We were educated on various wars fought by the UnitedStates, techniques used, as well as weapons and machinery used.Throughout the day, several things caught my eye that made me realizemy age as well as the differences in today's youth compared to my ownchildhood.

First, many of the children at theevent had no respect for the items on display. Regardless of age,value, or any other factor, children would just walk up and startgrabbing stuff. They would climb over equipment and act as if theitems were there simply for their pleasure. Rarely did I hear a childask permission to touch an item before doing so. Only once did I hearsomeone (a soldier) instruct any of these children about askingbefore grabbing. I thought back to when I was in school (this eventwas open to all public, private and home schools). When we would toura facility on a field trip, we knew not to touch anything. Even thelabeled trouble makers wouldn't touch items that didn't belong tothem. Instead, they'd stroll around, with their hands in theirpockets acting as if they weren't the least bit interested (thoughonce permission was granted to touch, you could see how much theyreally wanted to).

The second thing I noticed regardingthe generation gap went a bit hand in hand with the first thing.While standing at a table, two middle school aged girls walked up.The each picked up one of the cameras on display and asked eachother, “What's this?” They were each collectibles, worth a bitmore then the children could have imagined. The girls looked over thecameras, turning them this way and that. Finally one of the girlslifted the camera up to her face and peered through the small squarehole at the top. I couldn't help but giggle when the solider, aftertelling them they should ask permission to touch other people'sbelongings, then said, “Besides which, it's a camera and you werelooking through it backward!” In a world of digital cameras builtinto phones, it seems children today don't even know what film or thecameras we were raised on are.

Then, as I walked up to a display Iheard a voice that sounded so much like a voice out of the old spymovies I used to watch as a child. I looked up and sitting behindthe display table, with a uniformed officer, was a woman speakingwith a thick and strong Russian accent. I couldn't help but think ofmy own childhood and how this is a scene that I would have neverwitnessed at that time. Would any of the children present recognizethat accent or the prominent man that we all recognized by the portwine stain on his forehead? Would any of the children present watch avideo of “The Day the Wall Came Down” and understand our tears ofjoy?

There were several things throughoutthe day that reminded me of the generation gap between myself and thechildren present. Yet, I was totally unprepared for the generationgap I was next to be enlightened of. For, it wasn't the generationgap that existed between myself and these children...........butrather myself and that of a soldier.

We began by discussing Marine Cpl.Dakota Meyer and his having been awarded the Medal of Honoryesterday. I had heard it on the radio this morning, and told thechildren that by disobeying, he had faced a court martial if hisattempt had failed. However, he was successful in his attempts, assuccessful as he could be, and was awarded as such. The soldier Ispoke to told me that he had watched an interview with Cpl. Meyer andthat when asked, “Why? Why did you go back to save them?” heanswered that he didn't think he was going to make it out alive. Hethought he was going to die with his brothers.

Then, the soldier I was talking tobegin to talk about his life. Places he'd been, things he'd survived.He's been blown up, shot to pieces, and beaten in a foreign prison.He recounted how, in the 70s, he and his group went into an area. Ican't remember the exact number, but believe it was somewhere between200-300....only 30 some made it out alive. He said that people willtalk about how soldiers are fighting for America and for freedom, butthat when you look over and your buddy is lying beside you with agaping hole in his chest, that's when you become aware of what you'rereally fighting for. After surviving this experience, he was capturedand tortured. He said they beat on him “pretty good” whileimprisoned and though he didn't elaborate, you could tell that it wasbrutal from the look in his eye as he said it. He explained how otherAmerican prisoners nearby were being killed, and how “they” cameand took all the Canadians out of the prison. The next day, therewere three American soldier prisoners left, he was one of them. Heremembers how they were led out, told to lie down in the back of atruck, and covered over. He knew that this was the end, they weretaking him to his death. He said he knew that he was going to die. Hesaid that when the truck stopped, they were led out and he saw,sitting there in front of him, an American C??? plane. He and his twobuddies had been smuggled out. They boarded the plane and had to ridein the bottom. He still remembers how cold it was, so terribly cold.When the plane landed in Tampa, Florida and the back let down, hesaid the heat curled up into the plane and hit him....he passed out.He woke up later on the way to a hotel. He was 21 years old.

He looked at me and said, “Peopletalk all about America. They say it's about the flag, apple pie, andall that good stuff. For me, America is about that pilot I sawstanding by that plane that day I was smuggled out. I remember howhis face was all pockmarked and young looking. That's what America isabout for me.”

Rest In Peace Dear Friend........

2011-08-16T23:50:00.003-04:00

"I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?"

Every year, as August 8th nears, I begin to think of my friend Sheba. I always dwell on the last time we were together. We went to eat seafood with several other families. On the way back home, she and I sat in the middle seat of Dad's brown Toyota mini-van. We sang "We Are Family" while dancing around and then "Lean On Me". That was when all we had to listen to was radio or a cassette. These songs just happen to play on the radio back to back. We smiled and laughed and said we'd always be family.

This year makes 20 years since Sheba died. We were 14. I was on vacation, worried about a boy. He broke up with me that trip, and I remember thinking it was the end of the world. We were on vacation, and I didn't know she had died.

I remember so vividly, I'd just gotten out of the same brown Toyota mini-van and had my blue suitcase in my hand. I was walking to the front door and Dad was reading a note left on the door. I remember he looked at Mom who was somewhere behind me and said in a shocked, stunned voice, "Sheba's dead." I don't think he quite believed it and it seemed almost as if he was hoping she would tell him he was wrong. I don't even think he realized that I was there, or that his words forever altered me. I'd just lost my best friend.

I can't tell you how long I spent beating myself up over the fact that I had been on vacation, worried about some stupid guy, while she was being laid to rest. I never got to say goodbye and for the first time, at 14 years old, I understood that funerals aren't for those who've passed...........funerals are for those that are left behind.

20 years..........it seems so big, so long. I've lived more years since Sheba passed then I had before. I grew up to go to college, to have children, to marry.

I remember being scared that I'd forget her. Yet, even now when our songs come on the radio, I crank it up and I am taken back to that day, cruising down 109 in a brown Toyota van, singing at the top of our lungs, knowing we had our whole lives ahead of us. When I eat seafood, I see her smiling and laughing beside me.

When I was 16, I was in my first wreck. It was in that brown Toyota mini-van.

I remember when the boy I was so wrapped up in on that vacation got married, and all I could think about was my dear friend who I missed.

I remember when her Mom asked to speak to me on the phone. She told me that Sheba had always looked up to me and that she loved me. I remember being so shocked............she'd looked up to me? I had always looked up to her.

I still have the ring that belonged to Sheba. Her mother gave it to me after she'd passed. It's worn now, and bent out of shape. When I was 18, I had a severe allergic reaction. My boyfriend at the time, who was later to become the father of two children, was in the ER with me when the reaction started. He told me later that I screamed and fought the nurses when they said they had to cut off my rings due to swelling. He said I couldn't even talk, and could barely breathe, but that I fought them so much that the doctor told them to figure something else out. I had to be treated and the doctor couldn't treat me while I was fighting. I have that ring sitting now so that every morning it's one of the first things I see, and I see it throughout my day as well. I see it before I go to bed at night.

I've had the type of life that is seen in movies, read in books, and even though it's marked "based on a true story" no one really believes it's true.

BUT, I've had that life. I've had those years. I've lived longer since my best friend died then before.

It's been 20 years, and I haven't forgotten.

I love you Sheba. I can't wait to see you again!! We have so much to talk about.

"I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?"

Quote taken from the movie "Stand By Me"

Praying (and believing) for HEALING

2011-07-30T22:48:00.003-04:00

When I was first diagnosed in 2003, there was one main reason I didn't pray and ask God to heal me. I was ANGRY! After all the horrors I'd survived, I had finally gotten to the point in my life that I was safe and happy, and now this?? I felt sorry for myself, wondered why God had abandoned me, and just wanted everything to be over and done.

God however didn't abandoned me and sent a wonderful and compassionate nurse into my life (may God pour many blessings out on you Shirley). She made it very clear that God did not do this to me, rather, Satan had. She told me that if Satan had attacked me this much in life, then he was trying to prevent me from doing something really big for God. She was such a wise soul. Thanks to God bringing her into my life, I quit feeling sorry for myself and decided to quit blindly following doctor's orders. I started to make decisions about my care and no longer believed the doctors when they told me I'd only get worse. But, I still didn't pray for healing. This time though, I didn't pray because I was scared. What if I prayed and He didn't heal me? Could I handle that disappointment?

Through the years of battling health issues, I learned how to depend on God completely. I've always been a hard headed person (yes Mother...I'm admitting it), even when it came to God. So, God took a completely crummy thing in my life and turned it to benefit me. As sick as I was, and parenting two small children alone, I had not choice but to depend on God. I had zero income and never knew where the rent would come from. I didn't know how I'd get to doctor appointments. Yet, God always came through. I couldn't be the type of parent I'd been before, the type of parent I thought I should be. I trusted God to provide for my children where I couldn't....emotionally, physically and spiritually........and He did. I prayed for God not to let me die.....and He didn't. But, I still didn't pray for healing. I didn't pray for healing this time because again, I was scared. I had learned to be dependent on God and was terrified that if I were to be healed, that I would no longer depend on Him. I can look back over my life and see the numerous times I've slid away from God.....if being sick is what it takes to stay close to Him, then so be it.

Yet, recently, God has brought some wonderful ladies into my life. Ladies whose faith in God is seemingly endless. Ladies who are praying for a healing that will only be miraculous. Ladies who I've been able to open up to and express my fears. Ladies who've helped me to see that, just as God has never abandoned me before, He won't do so if He chooses to heal me. I was told that my healing could be my "fire" and that I'd find myself closer to Him by doing His work. I was reminded of those healed in the Bible (which I've read so many times these past few years). And........the comment that really moved me......I was told not to let "Satan hold you down one more day".

Satan.........Satan who uses fear to cause us to sin and to keep us from God's promises. Did you know the Bible tells us 365 times not to fear?? That's one for every day of the week. If God has exhorted us not to fear that many times, obviously Satan must use fear for his own selfish and destructive purposes. Or, what about the scripture below?

2 Timothy 1:7

Amplified Bible (AMP)

⁷For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. (taken from Biblegateway.com)

Check out the definitions of the words used in this scripture.

timidity: lacking in courage or self-confidence
cowardice: lack of courage or resolution
craven: lacking the LEAST BIT of courage, CONTEMPTIBLY fainthearted
cringing and fawning fear: to shrink or cringe in fear (to be afraid)

Each of those describes why I never prayed for healing. But, let's look at the second part of that scripture as well. Let's look at the definitions of the spirit God has given us.

power: ability to act or produce an effect
love: strong affection for another
calm: a state of tranquility
well-balanced mind: emotionally or psychologically untroubled mind (feels, perceives thinks, wills or reasons)
discipline: training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character
self-control: restraint exercised over one's own emotions

WOW!!! First off, when allowing a spirit of fear to rule an aspect of your life, you do not show a spirit of power. A spirit of power would cause me to ACT and pray for healing. Fear also prevents us from acting out of love. How selfish of me to neglect praying for healing when I am a mother, a wife, and a child. When we are in a spirit of fear, we can not be calm. I'm constantly trying to deal with the chaoticness that comes with being ill and thinking about how I wish I were well. A well-balanced mind??? Seriously, could anyone argue that wanting to stay sick were a well balanced mind? Discipline........praying for healing and walking in faith is allowing God to mold me into the woman He longs for me to be. It's taking my dependence on him to a deeper and more spiritual level. Fear controls US, it does not allow us the luxury of self control.

This evening......I worked outside alongside my husband. We raked, we shoveled, we treated our lawn for ticks and we watered. I have blisters, the pain I feel is immeasurable and nothing I do will relieve the pain. While working I knew what was coming....I could feel it as my muscles begin to scream in protest. Yet, I felt so ALIVE. I was working, helping, being productive. And, suddenly, without a shadow of a doubt, all that I have been told and seen the last several weeks weighed upon my heart in a way that can only be my Heavenly Father whose love for me never ceases. I want to be healed. I want to devote the time that I will gain to serve Him. I want to be a living, walking testimony.

So, no longer am I letting Satan control me in a chaotic and selfish fear. Instead, I am going to "trust God and let Him work". I am going to "let Him work through me and for me". I am going to continue, day and night, to unceasingly pray not only for my healing but for those I know are believing for their own healing as well. I am going to walk (or crawl if I have to) in faith, knowing that my Father in Heaven has promised me wonderful and beautiful things to me.

As Matthew 5: 14, 16 states, "You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."

And each step of the way I'm going to praise God for bringing the most wonderful people into my life throughout the years to bring me to the place I am at today.

Here I Go AGAIN

2011-07-28T22:26:00.001-04:00

In March of this year, my wonderful husband and I purchased a new home. For 4 months, we've enjoyed living in a paradise location. Surrounded by forests and the river, I saw my summer filled with days fishing and hiking. With a huge bathtub in my bathroom, I saw evenings spent soaking in a tub filled with fragrant oils and surrounded by candles. I've had the bathtub set up with candles, incense, and oils since right after we moved in.

Today, I took my first bath in the new house. As I absorbed the coconut oil and eucalyptus, my mind raced. How would I figure out budget tomorrow on pay day? Once again what we need to pay out is more then what we've brought in. I still need to put away the rest of the clean laundry in the livingroom. I haven't put the clean sheets back on the bed yet. The kids will want a snack when they get home from Vacation Bible School tonight. My mind was running a thousand miles a minute. I sank down till the water covered my ears and took several deep breathes. I just needed to R E L A X. Yet, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't turn off my brain. All I could do was think about all I needed to get done.

I spent a total of 25 minutes in the tub. It was agony! I wanted to jump out and get to work within 5 minutes, but pushed myself to wait. With the 25 minutes over, I jumped into a cool shower in an attempt to ease my pain via cyclic showering. Even though I could immediatly feel unanticipated results (this is my first attempt at cyclic showering), I was still so consumed with what I had to do. I jumped out, got dressed and came to work on paperwork and finish emails.

Growing up, life was pretty hectic. Everything needed to be done just right in an attempt to avoid criticism that usually came anyway. Throughout childhood and my teenage years, I felt compelled to do everything perfect and before it was due. It wasn't until I was a single mother of two children and in lots of therapy to deal with the violence I had faced at the hands of my children's father, that I started learning how to slow down and enjoy life. It wasn't easy, but I learned how to go to the park and play with the children rather then work while they played. I learned how to set at the table and pudding paint! I learned to take a couple nights a month to go out just for me and dance the night away. I learned that by taking care of my body, I was better able to accomplish what was most important in my life. I took long bubble baths and enjoyed mornings reading in bed listening to the birds chirp outside my window.

I'm not sure when I reverted back. I'm guessing it came as a result of getting sick. The time I have in a day has been cut down to a small smidgen of what I had before. Therefore the time I do have I feel I must be super productive. Yet, this pace isn't helping anyone. I work at a furious pace when I'm able and spend the rest of the time exhausted and thinking about what is left to be done.

I don't know how, but I need to be able to let go. I need to accept that it doesn't matter what other people think and that spending time with my children are more important. I need to accept that the laundry can wait and that I need to soak in the tub and do nothing but relax.

Here lately I've started to focus alot more on getting rid of the toxins and parasites (yes, I said parasites) that have built up in my body through the years. I realized tonight that there is no amount of eating healthy or cleansing that I can do that will fix everything UNLESS I take the time to relax and let go of the stress in my life.

Thank you God for once again giving me exactly what I need, when I need it. Thank you for loving me, in all my imperfections and even after I return to a way of my past. I am blessed just to be called Your child and my heart is forever devoted to You.

How Did I Get Here?

2011-07-22T15:22:00.001-04:00

Today's blog is so intricately woven with multiple aspects of my life, that I'm going to post it on both Paths From My Soul and Paths From Pooks Soul. I'm pretty sure this blog rivals all my other to be the longest post yet.

I honestly don't know where to start. There is only one word to describe how I've been feeling lately...........

OVERWHELMED

I know that God is going to carry my family through this time as He has all others. My faith is not doubting. I just know that the journey through is hard and difficult.

It's hard to believe all that has happened in 2011. I decided to come off all my prescription medications and now only take Ibuprofen and use Lidoderm Patches. I take tons of vitamins and supplements. I feel that I have a much higher quality of life, though the pain can be enough for me to consider ways to render me unconscious at times. I refuse to take immune suppressants, steroids, narcotics, muscle relaxers, or any of the other junk most docs try to pump me full of. Stopping all meds has been an emotional time for me. I still have so many days where I feel like I'm going through withdrawl. I never thought the negative effects would last this long.

I've also started to have a significant worsening of my short term memory. I ask hubby each night to tell me what we did the day before, in an effort to jog my memory and keep the information where I can recall it. It does seem to help a bit, but the majority of my days are lost from memory. I write down everything I do in a calendar, in the hopes that I can recall it. Due to the memory lapses, I find that I often offend people I don't intend to. I have always been a person of my word, yet here lately it seems I find myself not following through on things I've said I would do. Not because I don't care and don't want to..........but because I don't remember. My memory loss has terrified me so much, that as soon as a thought pops into my head, I say it for fear of forgetting it. This comes across as so terribly rude and I don't know which is worse.......interrupting to get the thought out before it's loss forever into the abyss or taking notes every time I speak to someone (I do this with EVERY phone call, therapist and doctor visit, etc). Those closest to me have noticed the differences that have come over me in the last several months, but I think they are at as much of a loss as me.

My physical body is going through an upheaval. If this hadn't happened so many other times through the years, I'd think it was due to my stopping the prescriptions, but I know better. The pain has started to settle deep within my joints. My Reynaud's is attacking me even though it's hot weather instead of cold. The shooting stabbing pains in my head are coming with more frequency even as my vision issues have resolved themselves. The strength in my hands are almost completely gone and though I'm mentally clear enough to drive most of the time (I do still have days where I end up completely lost on a road I've traveled thousands of times in my life), the pain that results from driving is agonizing. I'm hoping a vehicle in better shape will not be as hard to handle (the frame on the truck is warped and it always pulls to one side while driving, plus transmission issues require changing the usual automatic gears by hand).

The housework is piling up and I can't stand looking at it. Keara is a champ at helping me around here, but I think she's completely overwhelmed and I regret that she seemingly has no childhood. Between her caring for her younger brother, caring for me, and helping me carry the burden of chores....there isn't much time left for her. Time for her to spend with me alone....that doesn't even happen anymore.

Yet, honestly.....the most stressful thing in my life right now isn't even my health or my ability to do all that needs to be done. You see, I went on and on above because I hesitate to really reach into the depths of my being and write the part that is tearing away at me piece by piece.

Most of my readers know that our 5 year old is Autistic. It's high functioning which is a blessing in that he can reach a much higher potential then many children with Autism. It sometimes makes it harder when dealing with other people because the vast majority of people assume that if you look "normal" then you should act "normal". I've witnessed this first hand myself. When I had to use my electric wheelchair, people treated me different. It drove me crazy at the time because there was so much I wanted to do for myself that others wouldn't let me. Other people's expectations for me altered because they saw me in a wheelchair. They had more compassion and were even willing to volunteer things like bringing us meals, helping clean the house, and babysitting in our home so I could get a break. Once I was able to walk around again, even though I still battled the exact same health issues and was still severely limited in my abilities, the expectations of others jumped right back up to the point prior to my ever getting sick. This is where Pookie is. People look at him and see a bright, active child. Therefore, they expect him to behave like a typical child. They don't know that the evaluations that we've recently gotten back say that he has "mild to moderate autism", "impaired vocabulary", visuospatial issues, processing delays, severe sensory integration issues and more! Worse yet, many don't seem to care even if they do know!! They don't look at Pookie and see how far he has come. They don't see how much he really does care of how after he hurts someone, he comes and tells me he wishes that he never hurt anyone. They don't know that he cries beside me saying he wishes he were dead because his body does things he doesn't want it to do (this is due to processing delays...he acts impulsively because his brain processes the information to slowly and only afterward does his brain process the alternate ways he should have dealt with a situation).

Don't get me wrong...........we have some really great, exceptional friends in our lives who are very supportive and understanding. They've made all the difference.

Yet now (finally, the meat of this post), I don't think any of us know what to do with the latest diagnosis. Not of Pookie, but of my eldest son. You see, Keeg has, up until recently, been the perfect and most exceptional child. I know you think I'm biased (and I am) but there was just so much about him that was unique. At 2 1/2 years old, he taught himself to read!! I was teaching him letters and sounds and he already was reading Doctor Seuss books. By the time he was in Kindergarten, he had already tackled his first Isaac Asimov novel (not an easy read for many adults even). He was super bright when it came to intellect and I watched him carry on conversations with his medical specialist that blew everyone in the room away. I can not tell you how many times someone told me that he was the smartest child they'd ever seen. I was PROUD. It seemed like no matter all the wrong I'd done, I'd been blessed with a child that was an enigma. Keeg always battled some pretty severe health issues, but his behavior was always above and beyond. He was the child you look at in the store and stop the mother just to say, "You have the best behaved child I've ever seen". He was the child you told once and once only. He was the child who always seemed to know who was upset and would ask what was wrong. He was the child who always did his schoolwork, always kept his room clean, and always ate his vegetables.

A year ago I started having issues with him. He was always reading. He'd read the tags in laundry, he'd read the labels on the cans in the pantry, he read and read and read. He could no longer complete tasks or chores because he stopped to read everything. I even caught him a few times reading the garbage in the kitchen can. He'd walk by and it would catch his attention so he'd stand over the can, peering in and reading. I would have to tell him over and over and over again to do something before he would complete it. He would tell me he didn't hear me, or didn't remember. I would ask him to complete a chore and hours later would be appalled that it wasn't done, even after he told me he completed it. He'd walk into the room, look around and dumbfounded ask me, "what else needs to be done?" I was at my wits end. How could the once perfect child suddenly be this rebellious, disobedient teenager?? I talked to friends with teens and they assured me that this was just part of growing up and eventually (albeit a long eventually) he'd outgrow his rebellious streak. How did I not see what was really happening?

About 4 months ago, Keeg and I were home alone. I told him that I was going to give him a chore and I was going to observe his completing it. Each time he stopped to read, I would redirect him. He was to try his best not to read, and if he read something and I didn't notice, he needed to tell me. About 3 minutes into this, he was crumpled on the floor, tears streaming down his face, his hands pulling at his hair, and saying, "I can't do this! I have to read! I have to! I have to!" I sat, completely blown away. The agony in his cries froze me. Something was wrong....terribly wrong....and I didn't know what it was.

I talked to several professionals I've become friends with through the years and heard lots of different ideas. I decided that the first step was to get him in with a professional therapist. Someone that would address the needs of our family and help Keeg deal with the stress he was going through. I got a referral from a friend and set up our first appointment. The doctor had me feel out a bunch of assessment forms online for Keeg so that he could review them before our appointment. When my husband and I went to meet the doctor, he handed me a scholarly article to read about Asperger's. Confused I looked at my husband. Why would he give me this when I'd already told him our youngest was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism and not Asperger's? The doctor let me know that the information wasn't for Pookie...........it was for Keegan.

The foundation of my world shook. Reality started to spin and meld. I sat in the midst of the chaos, frozen in a warp that wracked my awareness of all. This isn't what I was supposed to hear. I was supposed to be told that he was ADD with maybe some OCD. That's what I was prepared for. Asperger's??? NO NO NO....my youngest son is on the Autism spectrum....not my oldest! I pushed myself to read the article he had handed me, floored to find out that it addressed how it's actually COMMON for children with Asperger's to not be diagnosed until they are in their teens. I managed to make it through the appointment, and back out to the truck. My first words to my husband after we pulled away was, "How could I have missed this?"

I grew up with family members and friends that had special needs. I went to college for Early Childhood Education with a special interest in Special Needs. I've volunteered, helped out and fund raised for various organizations that help with Special Needs. I've spent the last 5plus years studying Autism Spectrum diagnosis, Asperger's included. And then the lighbulb went off............how many times did I pull Keegan over to me while researching and say, "Hey, this sounds like you!"

Looking back..........I missed so much. The way that Keegan never really cared much for affection. Yes, he'd let me hold him, hug him, and give him kisses as a child. But deep down I always felt that he was only tolerating it for my benefit. The way that his room always stayed so clean because he didn't really own much of anything. He would always ask me to give his toys to children that didn't have any. Proud as can be, we'd do so. It's only in hindsight I see that it was because he didn't care for the typical toys children played with. His room has always been minimal in decoration and toys. For as long as I can remember he's only wanted an alarm clock with radio, a lamp, his hotwheels and a chess set. Looking back, I can see how unusual this is for a 5 year old.....but at the time I just saw it as a sign to his immense intellect. Keegan has always been particular about his clothing. He has always preferred khaki pants and shorts after he went to a charter school that required school uniforms. He likes long socks with the tops pulled straight up his legs. Keegan never really had any sense of style, but being a single mom that didn't really have any other Dads to chat with, I just thought it was a guy thing. There were always gross motor skill delays and clumsiness...........he had really big feet and I chalked it up to that. I never noticed that Keeg didn't recognize personal space until he was older. When a small child sits down immediately next to someone, it's cute. It's not a red flag that he doesn't realize that people have personal space. Keeg has never known a stranger.....NEVER. It's not uncommon for his interactions with someone to start off with 20 questions. I just thought he was curious and trying to feed his intellect. When my husband and I married two years ago....Keeg had pretty much spent his life caring for me and his little sister (due to my own health issues). He'd been the man of the house. My new husband, his now step-dad, sat him down before our marriage and told Keeg that he was proud of him for all that he'd taken on through the years. He was proud of him for the way he took care of me and his sister. Now, he could just relax and be a kid! He could play and have fun. Once Keeg accepted this, play he did. My husband asked me then if I noticed Keeg's play. Did I notice that he played like a young child? Did I think there was something wrong? Did I notice that Keeg had gone from one end of the extreme (never playing) to the other end of the extreme (continuously playing)? Did I think it unusual that Keeg's imaginary play was immature yet intensely intelligent at the same time? Nope.........I didn't think there was a problem. He'd spent years taking care of me and his sister and now was just letting out all those years of pent up play. Besides, he was altering his play to match that of Pookie to help keep Pookie entertained. He just continued the same games when Pookie was otherwise entertained, right?

I could go on and on. You see, I've had 3 weeks and 2 days since the first doc told me he thought Keeg had Asperger's. Since then we've met with a pediatric neurologist who has all but confirmed the original therapist ideal. He's scheduled the appointments necessary to get the "official" diagnosis. Keeg was admitted into the hospital for unrelated tests, and numerous nurses and therapist he came in contact with assumed he'd been diagnosed with Asperger's long ago. (My mind screamed REALLY? REALLY? REALLY? the entire time). A child life specialist told me that her brother has CP and mild mental retardation and that Keeg reminds her so much of him. She said their mannerisms are identical. She said this with the sweetest affection for Keeg and her brother that I was deeply moved, yet inside I could feel the vibrations resonating through my body as my brain screamed "WHAT? MY SON? HOW DID I MISS THIS?"

Thursday, Pookie went for another evaluation with a speech therapist. I had to meet with the OT there so when Pook didn't want to go back with the therapist alone, I sent Keeg with him. When it was time for me to meet with the therapist, she wanted to make sure I'd realized that Keeg had special needs as well. Again, my mind screamed "DID EVERYONE SEE THIS BUT ME?"

There are always times in a parents life that you feel like a failure. That there were things you missed, things you should have done differently, things you should not have done at all. Yet, I can honestly say that nowhere in my 14 years of parenting have I felt so totally off the mark. My son has lived with me for 14 years....his entire life....and despite all my knowledge and training, I missed that he has Asperger's. I don't care that it is COMMON for children to miss diagnosis till teen years...........THIS IS MY SON. My firstborn. It makes a difference somehow.

Each day I make so many mistakes. I am trying so hard to change my perspective, to see Keeg as who he is and not what I always dreamed he would be. I'm trying so hard to realize that I'm in Holland and that Holland has so many things to offer (click on the blue word Holland if you don't know what I mean). I have to stop myself and apologize a thousand times each day because I realize I reacted to him without realizing his actions weren't intentional, that he didn't understand, and that he was doing exactly what I said just as literal as I said it.

I try not to think about his future right now. Don't get me wrong.......I'm doing everything I need to so that he gets the best of everything and reaches his full potential. I know that he can still be and do anything he wants to and that Asperger's is not a limit on this. Yet, since before he was born I'd dreamed of his future. When he was 2 he told me he wanted to be a doctor and didnt' sway from this except for when, at age 4, he decided to be a missionary. He talked of working at NASA so that he would have the means to reach the goal of missionary doctor. Those dreams haven't changed...........but the paths to get there are forever altered. It's not a bad thing......... but change is always hard for us adults. Selfish as it is, my life was always so chaotic there were only a few constants I felt I could depend on and those were God and my children. That hasn't changed.....but for me to be the mother Keeg needs, I have to change my entire perspective and outlook. I have to let go of my dreams to visit Paris and find the beauty of Holland. Ironically enough, when I read "Welcome To Holland" the first time I didn't really understand the full impact of it. I'd known since I was pregnant with Pookie that something "wasn't quite right" and the moment he was born it was obvious he had some type of special needs. I read "Welcome to Holland" shortly after Keeg's initial diagnosis and suddenly it all made sense.

I know that through all these things God will make sure our needs are met and dreams fulfilled. This is going to be a beautiful and joy filled journey. Yet, we all must mourn the things in life we have lost..............even when the door God has opened for us is so much more beautiful, amazing and breathtaking.

It's Lonely Here

2011-07-06T00:26:00.000-04:00

There is a room I go to in my mind. It's a room filled with shoes. There are all kinds of shoes. They are all my shoes. I see the shoes that never seemed to fit when I was a child. They were the shoes that showed others I was poor and prompted their cruel taunts. I see the shoes I wore when I ran away from home. I see the shoes I wore when I walked hours and hours in freezing weather with no where to go. I remember stopping in a sunny patch on the sidewalk and removing those shoes so that I could try to rub some warmth into my feet. I see the shoes that were thrown beside the bed as I lost my virginity to rape. I see my dancing shoes that I wore to clubs, dancing away all worries and fears until exhaustion took me over. I see the shoes I wore when I ran from the guys that would again take away another shard of innocence. I see the shoes I had on the first time I decided to fight back against the beatings my husband was giving me. I see the shoes I wore when I went to bury a baby murdered. I see the shoes the battered women's shelter gave me when I came in, as I had none on my feet. I see the shoes I wore my first day to college. I see the blue booties I wore while delivering my children. I see the slippers I wore at my wedding and the shoes I wore at my best friends funeral. I see the shoes I wore when depressed and the shoes I wore when believing for miracles. I see the shoes I wore when I was high and drunk.I see the shoes I wore during the murder trial. I see the shoes I wore as I ran to my friend who had just shot himself. I see the shoes I wore while getting clean. I see the shoes I wore when I was diagnosed with chronic health issues. I see the shoes I wore when I discovered my children have Autism. I see shoes and shoes and shoes and more shoes. There are so many and I can't help but wonder.....could one person really have worn so many shoes in their lifetime?

I am saddened to know the answer is yes. I don't know if the shoes I've worn have ever helped another. I talk often of my life's experiences in the hope that maybe someone else won't have to experience what I have gone through. I speak of how God brought me through for greater things. I know that, due to the many shoes I have worn, there are many who will talk to me when they refuse to talk to anyone else. I know that the many shoes I have worn have opened my eyes. I have removed the blinders and can see so much more then before. The shoes I've worn have walked away any judgements. The shoes I've worn have opened my heart to others. The shoes I've worn have helped me to see the world for how scary, how cruel, how heartbreaking it can truly be.

I've worn enough shoes that rarely do I hear someone say, "You've never walked in my shoes" and I'm unable to see the shoes we both shared.

With all the shoes in the room, there is a dark lonely corner. It is the corner I find myself in when I need to talk about so many pairs of shoes. It's the corner where I sit and weep with loneliness. It's the corner where, surrounded by shoes, I realize there is no one else that has worn all my shoes. It's the moments when the quantity of my shoes, and all they mean, seek to devour me. It's at that time when I realize that I don't have anyone to talk to about all my shoes. I have people I can talk to about this pair of shoes. I have people I can talk to about that pair of shoes. Yet, I haven't met anyone with as many shoes as I have. I've spent years letting others know they aren't alone and I want to find a room filled with as many shoes as mine. I want that one person to look at me and tell me they understand.

I had a flashback today. I'm 11 years out. 11 years and 1 day out. And I had a flashback. I always think I've reached a point where the flashbacks will be over and gone with. After so many months of not having one, I think I'm in the clear. But, in the most tense times.......times of stress when I already feel I can't handle anything else........a trigger comes. With that trigger I am sent spiraling backwards to a time over a decade ago. I can see the vein popping out of his head as he moves towards me, fists clenched to his side, face red from screaming. I can feel the moisture on my face from his breath as he puts his face against my own. I can feel the tension in his chest and arms as they begin to push against me. I am there and the present disappears.

I've heard in these times, it's "flight or fight". I spent to many years "flighting" and now, without meaning to, I go into "fight" mode. I am terrified. I am scared. I must survive and will do whatever it takes to do so. It's late 1999/early 2000 again, and my life and the lives of my children are in danger. I've forgotten where I truly am and who it is around me. I just must survive.

With the flashback over, I am fragile. I feel as if I'm a shattered glass held closely together by happenstance. The slightest wind, or cough, or step will send the shattered glass crumbling to the floor. I am raw....my emotions have rushed to the surface. I am vulnerable. I am weak. I cry out in heartache and despair. I am angry at myself for letting something that happened so very long ago sneak up and haunt me again.

"They" say that time heals all wounds. I think I've been misinterpreting that wrong for many years. I don't think all wounds can heal. I think that some wounds will continue to haunt us until the day we day. Yet, I believe that one day, God will heal my wounds. Not only will he heal my wounds, he'll take away all scars and there will be no memory of the shoes I was forced to wear. I'll look in that room and see happy shoes. There will be only light filled corners and no darkness at all.

In time, God will heal all wounds. I look forward to that day. For now, I'm going to sit in my dark corner, surrounded by my shoes, and cry out to my Heavenly Father for the comfort and mercy He pours upon me.

I couldn't have said it better

2011-06-02T18:35:00.000-04:00

Today's post is not my own. Instead, it is the post of a remarkable, admirable, compassionate woman fighting a noble cause! After reading Jennifer Jaff's blog, I emailed her and asked permission to repost here. Jennifer has been a lawyer for over 25 years. She also has been diagnosed with Crohn's Disease and Gastroparesis. When a person is diagnosed with a chronic health issue, they each respond differently. Jennifer has responded by reaching out to people who suffer disabilities. She fights for those turned down by health insurance companies. She fights for those who are denied disability. She fights for those whose employers won't allow them the time off work to get medical care. She fights for those who are in danger of losing their cars, their homes....EVERYTHING for no other reason then that they got sick. And........she does it for those who can't afford to pay for her services. Simply put...Jennifer is one of my heroes.

Please take a moment to read Jennifer's blog and as she encourages, reach out to others...even if it's only to give them information!

"The following is from the June 2011 Advocacy for Patients newsletter. I've been getting really great feedback, so I thought you might want to read it. I hope you will.

Those of you who follow my blog and our Facebook page already know that the past month has been tough for me. Actually, several months. We lost an insurance appeal that really was about life and death, and the reasoning was so perverse and so wrong -- it was devastating and made me wonder why I'm working this hard when the people who make decisions (or at least some of them) sometimes don't even read what we send them, and often just don't care. At all. The patient in that case is a lovely young woman who deserves the chance to have a decent life, and a couple of bureaucrats who seem pretty heartless are in the way. And they win, because they can. It's just so wrong.

Add to that the increasing number of calls and emails we're getting from people who've lost jobs and houses and insurance and are desperately ill. And due to budget cuts on both the state and federal levels, there are fewer resources for people in need. Again, it's just so wrong.

And then the World Health Organization released a report stating that chronic illness is now the leading cause of death both in the US and the world. This important information was published in the LA Times, and then two days later, in the Washington Post, but it was never even carried in the rest of the mainstream media. We are suffering -- and we are invisible.

The thirteen year old boy whose school referred him to truancy court rather than providing him with accommodations for his ulcerative colitis. The thirty year old woman who's had two strokes and is having trouble navigating the Medicaid system, but we can't find anybody in her state to help her. The man with dystonia who lost his health insurance and will become totally disabled -- at taxpayers' expense -- if he can't get care.

This is the world of the chronically ill. It has to change.

My desperation to do something -- anything -- to find help for people who are broke and sick has led me to drastic thinking. I considered going on a well-publicized hunger strike for 30 days to illustrate the desperation that is felt by people with chronic illnesses who cannot access health care due to cost or unreasonable insurers or whatever other unfairness they are facing, but I realized that I'm too sick to play that kind of game with my health.

But I am desperate, and you should be, too. All of us are one job, one illness, one setback away from being the people who call here for help. The 30 year old man with chronic inflammatory demyelinating polyneuropathy who earns $200 per week, can't afford health insurance, can't afford medical care -- and will become totally disabled without that care. The 50 year old divorcee who lives in public housing that stinks, alone, without money or a car or friends or even a reliable telephone.

Indeed, if Advocacy for Patients failed -- which not only could happen, but will happen over the next couple of years if we don't discover reliable ways to fund our necessary growth -- I would have no health insurance and no job. With my pre-existing conditions, I would have one and only one insurance option, at least in Connecticut. And it's not a good option, either. I would either stop taking some of the medication that's keeping things in check, which means I would get sicker, or I would spend all of my savings on pharmaceuticals. Eventually, I would lose my house and everything I have worked for so hard. It can happen to any of us. Indeed, it does.

I talk to people who are totally isolated. Because they often don't look sick, family and friends don't "get it" and they abandon them, leaving them alone, depressed, hopeless. They are in pain; some in so much pain that they cannot get out of bed or our of their homes. The uninsured 50 year old man in a rural area living out of a motel, bleeding from his rectum, who is sent away from the ER with pain meds and only pain meds, without a diagnosis or treatment for what's making him bleed. The west coast woman whose pain management doctor simply up and left the state, leaving her not only without a doctor, but without medical records or any proof of her treatment regimen, who can't get medication because doctors think she's drug-seeking. The mom who had to leave her son behind and go to detox and then rehab after her doctor abruptly cut her off from pain meds for no reason whatsoever.

I can't stand the thought of what people have to go through when the only thing they did wrong was get sick. The thought of these folks who are alone, ashamed of being broke, who can't get medical care, can't work because they are sick, can't get disability because they don't have medical records because they couldn't afford to go to a doctor. I just can't stand it. As I write this, tears come because this is so incredibly painful.

This is not the kind of world I want to live in. We owe it to each other -- to every human being -- to care. If you aren't as upset as I am, you should be. I could be talking about you. You think that couldn't happen? Well, unless you're very wealthy (in which case I'd love to talk to you about a wonderful organization that could use your support), it could be you, and it could happen fast. Most of the people I talk to worked all their lives. They had insurance. They had friends and family. They had spouses. And then they got sick -- really sick -- and slowly but surely, they lost everything. Everything, including the spouse and friends and family, who get tired of sitting around, or of hearing the complaints, or who just don't get how hard it is to sit up in a chair when you're so tired you could cry and so in pain that you can't stand being awake.

I have this image in my head of people living in shadows, people with invisible illnesses who themselves become invisible as they fade out of the workplace and their social lives, slowly becoming hermits who never intended to be alone, afraid of losing what little piece of a real life they have left. And then they get the foreclosure notice or eviction notice, and they have nothing. Except a disease that they can't afford to treat. They do live in shadows. They are terrified. They are ashamed. And they are alone. And I know that I am one loss away from being them.

So what can we do? Well, first of all, the more we talk about our own invisible illnesses, the more we make invisible illness okay to talk about. We help people step out of the shadows to a place where they can feel free to tell their story, ask for help, maybe start over again. If we tell our stories, we make it okay for others to do the same.

I'm collecting stories, some of which I plan to include in what I hope will be another book. If you have a story you're willing to share with me, write me, call me, email me and we'll gladly add your story to the mix for possible publication (without names, of course). We also get lots of press calls looking for patients who are willing to talk about their experience with insurance and other aspects of living with chronic illness. Are you willing to go public? Let me know if you are and we'll note that on our database. You can be part of the Advocacy for Patients speakers bureau.

Second, contact your state and federal legislators and tell them the toll chronic illness has taken on your life, your child's life, your spouse's life, your friend's life. The more we educate the people who make policy, the better policy they will make. To find your state legislators, search for "[name of state] legislature" and then find yours by inputting your address. To find your federal Senator, go here. To find your federal Representative, go here.

Third, talk to your doctor about ways he or she might help by setting up a free clinic day once every three months, or agreeing to do a colonoscopy for free once a month. If he or she is willing, let me know. I will compile a referral list and I will refer patients to the right doctors.

But most of all, when you're walking around and you see people huddled in doorways, or when you're in the emergency room and you see people being sent away, speak up. Help. Even if all you can do is be supportive and sympathetic, it will make a huge difference to them. I get lots of calls and emails from people I can't help a whole lot. But taking the time to talk with them, having a heart -- it makes a huge difference. If they need free medication, send them to www.needymeds.org for instructions on how to apply. If they need a free or low cost clinic, send them here to input their address to find the clinics near them (or do it for them if they don't have a computer). If they need a small one-time cash grant, send them to our friends at Modest Needs, who may be able to help. And if you don't know the answer but they sound like they really need help, tell them how to reach us at Advocacy for Patients.

And always, always keep in mind that he or she could be you. It's more a question of luck than anything else. So be thankful that you have a job and a home and insurance and a family and friends. Never take them for granted. Those of us who are not alone in the world are very, very lucky. We owe it to ourselves to give something -- even if just some time, some conversation -- to those who are less fortunate.

Three thousand people get this newsletter. If each one of you reaches out to one person, that's a new day, new hope, to 3000 people with chronic illness. Tell me we can't change the world. Really? Because I say we can, we must -- and we will. Jennifer

You can find Jennifer's blog: HERE

Satan attacks, B2B, Kindred Spirits, and Silk Pajamas

2011-05-30T00:42:00.000-04:00

I am overflowing with things to write. Where to start?? Let's start with Satan. Pesky thing he is.

Not to long ago, I was supposed to take a meal to a friend. She's been having some health issues of late and friends have arranged to have meals brought to her and her family. I got up bright and early that morning planning to drop hubby off at work and then head to the grocery store for dinner fixins. Yet, halfway down the drive, the truck got a flat. Worse yet, everything to fix it (spare tire, jack, etc) was at the old house...3 long dusty country miles away! The guys set out walking to the old house, and I pretty much figured my plans for the day were shot. So, I canceled bringing dinner. I rescheduled to.....today!!

Yesterday evening, I came home to find Pookie’s dog in terrible pain. Her face was swollen and she was bleeding. We cleaned her up, gave her some Benadryl and kept an eye on her through the night. This morning, hubby woke me up asking me where a veterinarian’s office was that was open. Thus started my day of chaos. We spent our morning at the vet (venomous snake bite, dog OK) and on the way home I remembered I was supposed to be taking dinner to my friend. I got home at 2pm and headed to the grocery store. While there, they had to correct an overcharge, running me even later behind. I get home, plop the groceries on the counter and find out that hubby is stranded, having run out of gas (who’d have thought him and Dale Jr had something in common?). So, leaving all the groceries on the counter, I head out to pick him up and take him to get gas. On the way out the door, Mom calls. She’s bringing the kids home and did she mention that they haven’t had dinner yet? Heading out the drive, I considered canceling plans to deliver dinner. Yet I realized that this was the second time I was supposed to take dinner and both times things went chaotic from the beginning of the day. I’ve learned that often when you have plans and it seems that everything is going wrong….Satan is trying to stop you from following through with the plans. So, I yelled………… “I don’t care what you throw at me, I’m going to take her dinner if it’s the last thing I do.” Guess I’d know by now that taunting isn’t a good thing and all I did was assure something else was going to be thrown my way.

After getting hubby situated with gas in the truck, I headed home to cook. Not long after I got home, hubby made it home. He was getting ready to head out to finish work on the boat, when the phone rang. I answered and it was a friend of ours. He was very very upset and practically frantic. I won’t go into detail, but someone was making his and his fiancé’s life very difficult. While he was on the phone, his fiancé was beeping in on call waiting. I sent hubby out the door to go to our friends, while I stayed on the phone and talked to his fiancé. AND, I kept cooking!!!

I headed out the door, picked up the kids, and ….with dinner in tow….headed to my friends house.

At this point, I must clarify……..due to the memory losses I’ve suffered through the last several years, I wasn’t really sure if I “knew” my friend. Yes, we went to the same high school. Yes, we know lots of the same people. Yet, I don’t really remember jr high or high school and really couldn’t be sure if I knew her or not.

For those of you not familiar with my health issues…..several years ago, when I first got sick, I had a doctor that loved loved loved to prescribe medications. A nasty side effect of one of those meds (or maybe a combination of multiple meds) was memory loss. Doc assured me that in time I’d regain my memories. That never happened.

So, here I go…delivering dinner and wondering if I’d know this woman in the past.

I don’t really know what part to write about next. You see, I’ve suffered some horrible things in my life and truly believe that it’s all OK. I have issues still as a result. I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder, have trust issues, and several other things. I’m very open about my past in the hopes that somewhere along the way, just one person I talk to won’t end up in the same situation. That maybe, just maybe, one woman will be saved from rape, or domestic violence, or drug abuse by my story. I’ve learned through my life that ultimately, I can NEVER say, “No one knows how I feel” cause there is always someone that does. Yet, since getting sick in 2003, I had not met anyone who knew what it felt like to have such huge memory gaps. I felt alone in this and wondered why I had to have lost such precious, or horrible, memories. I’ve felt bad when people I was close friends with would be offended because I didn’t remember them. I’ve cried for the loss of memories of my children when they were younger.

Yet, tonight, I met a kindred spirit. Maybe “met” isn’t the right word. We discovered that we have spent lots of time in the same locations at the same time. She hung out at the pool hall and restaurant I worked at. She says she was always there, and I was always working. At a very dark and dreary time in my life, it was her boyfriend (an old friend of mine) that helped me through it (he’d suffered a similar journey). When she used to hang out third shift at Denny’s, I was a waitress there. I could go on and on….but I think you get the point. Our paths not only crossed, but were intertwined. Together, we pieced together memories and triggered others. We even discovered things we didn’t know!!

And so, after years of feeling “alone” in my profound memory losses, I’ve found a kindred spirit. Someone who wasn’t offended that I didn’t remember, because they didn’t remember either! Someone who understood why I’d skip around to different topics while talking….or in the midst of a sentence ask, “What was I talking about?”. Someone who didn’t find it appalling that I have only a handful of memories from my daughters first several years of life. Someone who understands what it’s like to ask a thousand questions, in the hopes of catching a glimmer of a memory from years past.

Today, I’ve been blessed. I’ve realized how small I am and how mightly and powerful God is. I’ve seen once again how he can take any negative thing in my life, and use it to glorify Him! How he can take that negative, and use it to bind me closer to Him and closer to another human then I could have thought possible. How He can make it so that when I lie in bed tonight, despite the pain my body is wrecked with, I will know that we were victorious in battle…….that despite Satan’s attempts to keep me away, I persevered and made it through, in God’s strength.

I know this blog is most likely a bit more chaotic then what you are used to. I’d normally wait till the pain eased and my mind cleared. Yet, words have been bubbling over and I had to get them out. I’m blessed….blessed to bursting!!!

Oh, and the silk pajamas? While unpacking yesterday, I found an old worn pair of silk pajamas. A gift when I first got sick and couldn’t wear clothing because it was so painful. Somehow, slipping them on tonight, for the first time in a couple years…………well, it just felt like the perfect ending to today.

May God bless you each and draw you closer to Him each and every day.

Believe in His unconditional love……………..and keep believing for His healing.

Chronic Pain....the answer to my prayers?

2011-05-19T12:39:00.000-04:00

Over the last few weeks, I've had a personal inner struggle. I've felt that God has laid it on my heart to pray diligently for someone I know. I have been praying for their physical healing. Yet, in the course of doing so, I begin to wonder why I've never been so heartfelt about praying for my own healing. Sure, in times of prolonged pain and/or fatigue, I would cry out in despair and ask God to heal me. Yet, I've never set out to offer heartfelt appeals to God for my own healing.

This realization made me wonder if my faith was lacking. I seriously considered how I felt and realized that I truly believed that God does heal people miraculously today. I was sincere in my prayers for my friend, and truly believed. So, why wouldn't I feel the same way about my own healing?

This last week has been exceptionally hard for me regarding pain. I have had one rough week. One of those weeks where you'd gladly let someone knock you unconscious if only for the temporary relief from pain. I even told my husband I completely understood the episode of House where the doctor bashed his own hand and broke his fingers just to take his mind's focus of the pain he felt in his leg. Of course, I didn't have anywhere I could bash that didn't already intensely hurt (I know cause I seriously considered this as an option for pain relief). Throughout this time, I've had to rely on God for everything. Each morning in intense pain upon waking, I'd thank Him for being alive. Before doing anything, I'd let Him know I really needed Him. On my own strength I would have never made it out of bed the last week. Granted, I didn't always make it out of bed till well after noon, but it was all God's strength that allowed me to do anything at all.

I realized that at this stage in my life, I depend on God more then I ever have before. Now, don't get me wrong....I am far from perfect! I kick myself a hundred times a day for not consulting God before doing something and paying the consequences after. Yet, I go to Him more then ever before and know for a fact I only make it through each day due to His mercy, His love, His strength.

This, I believe, is why I feel so different about my own health. You see, if I pray diligently for my own healing, and God does heal me, then what? Will I do like I've done in the past, and once things start to flow good again, push God to the back of my mind? Will I become once again one of those people who only cry out to God when overwhelmed with despair? I've prayed often and asked God to help me never to turn away from Him again. A life without Him is so dark and void. I NEVER want to go back to that life again.

I fear that if I am healed, I won't be so dependent on God. That I'll become independent and forget how much I need God in my life. This led me to wonder, is this a rational fear? I spoke to God about it, asking Him to show me the way. Should I be praying for healing at this point in my life? I mean, couldn't I do so much more for Him if my physical body was healed? Or, should I recognize the frailties of my sinful flesh and be thankful that the pain and fatigue of my physical body keeps me dependent on God in all things?

This morning, while preparing to shower, I ran across the "Thriving Family" magazine I'd been looking for. I'd misplaced it right after it came in the mail and have not been able to find it for a week! I started scanning the magazine and was drawn to start reading the article "Holding Tight as God holds on to them". It's about Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman and the devastating loss of their daughter three years ago this Saturday. I read about how Mary Beth has battled depression for years. The article quoted a paragraph from her book "Choosing to See". It read, "I still have awfully dark days. I still take medication. I still see a counselor. I wish God would take my depression away. But so far He hasn't, and perhaps that is because He's using this as a way to keep me dependent on Him."

Suddenly I knew. My health issues ARE keeping me dependent on God. That is my greatest wish in the world....to remain dependent on my Creator, the One who understands me more then anyone, the Father who is always there for me, my Comforter, my Strength. If giving me this desire means that I need to continue to deal with intense pain and fatigue, then I will gladly accept that. Besides, it doesn't mean forever. Walking with God is a journey of growth.....and maybe one day I'll grow out of needing that crutch!!

Thanks be to the Father who provides most exceptionally for my needs, even when I'm unaware!!

Do you have it "worse" then this????

2011-05-16T16:20:00.001-04:00

For two weeks I’ve been in intense, debilitating pain. A week ago I prayed and told God I’d reached my limit. I begin to pray before doing each and every thing, even attempting to toilet. Four days ago I started crying each night after the children were in bed. Three days ago my husband had to start helping me shower and dress. Two nights ago I became completely overwhelmed and discouraged as I looked around at all the housework that was piling up.

Last night, I asked my husband to hold me. As he snuggled next to me and draped his arm over my side, the pain almost knocked me over. Each breath I took felt as if someone was driving a knife into my lung. I thought if I slowed my breathing….if I took small breaths instead, that I could bear it. But, instead, as much as I wanted the safety, comfort and security I felt wrapped in his arms, I had to ask him to please stop. Silent tears soaked my pillow. Before the night was over, I ended up lying, once again, on the floor to sleep. Sleep though eludes me. Every thing hurts, even my eyeballs. I sleep only when I am overpowered by the exhaustion, and even then I wake often.

I can not count the times I’ve had to tell Pookie that I couldn’t hold him, cuddle with him, or even let him hug my neck because the pain is to intense. The pantry is getting bare as I haven’t even been able to make my mind work enough to process a grocery list or meal plan. The laundry is piling up, the house getting messy, everything becoming disorganized and behind, despite my attempts to keep it from happening again.

This morning I had a family meeting with the children and explained that I have truly reached the end of my rope. There is hardly anything I can do now. Once again, my children are feeding me and helping me move around. My husband is bathing me and dressing me. I’m having to cancel plans and events because the pain is to much. Once again, I am trapped within my body…….a prisoner confined by pain and fatigue…..the jail my own body.

Yet, each morning I wake and the very first thing I do is thank God for being alive. It’s another day I get to breath, and I am thankful. I find comfort in His word, knowing that He will carry me through this as he has the other times. I know that regardless of what may or may not happen, regardless of how bad the flare gets this time, regardless of what new diagnosis creeps up to take me by surprise….God is carrying me. There is only one set of footprints in the sand today, and they are not mine.

This morning Pookie saw a commercial on television of a child with cleft palate. He asked about it and after explaining, I also explained that the child doesn’t have the money to go to the doctor. His face lit up and he said, “We have money to go to doctors. Let’s give him the money so the doctor can fix him. When he’s all better, I’m going to hold him, and hug him, and play with him!”

Today I thought of a mother whose only been given months to live. I thought of my uncle whose been diagnosed with lung cancer. I thought of my mother who has battled chronic fatigue and other issues since I was a child. I thought of my best friend who died 14 years old from a misdiagnosed brain tumor. I looked at the picture on my mantle of a precious angel taken long before his time at the hands of an abuser. My heart is swollen with the love I feel for all those struggling in this world and I know that not only am I not alone, but that I don’t have it “the worst”.

What is “the worst” you might wonder? Is it the person who dies alone? Is it the person who dies leaving behind children? Is it the children left behind? Is it the parent unable to be a parent who instead have her children caring for her? I could go on and on, yet there is one thing I have learned over and over again. There is only one group of people that really have it the “worst”.

That group is the people who don’t have God to carry them through when all their strength and energy is drained. The people who don’t know that God loves them no matter what has happened in their life. The people who, when they have no human being there for them, they don’t know they can turn to God with their cares and sorrows.

Please, if you know God, share Him with others. Don’t hold so tight to this gift that others don’t have it. I couldn’t imagine my life today without Him.

Please, if you don’t know God…..if you don’t understand how I can cling to Him when the pain makes me wish I could be knocked unconscious…….then ask….ask me, ask someone else. If you aren’t able to do that, then ask God. Ask Him to show you, and I promise you…He will.

National Fibromyalgia Awareness Day

2011-05-11T22:02:00.000-04:00

Hi! My name is Melissa. I'm a single mother of two children. I work full time as an order selector at a grocery store chain warehouse. It's a physically demanding job and I LOVE it because it's like getting paid to work out! I am ripped!! LOL!! I also go to college and am working towards getting a college degree in Early Childhood. I love children and could spend all day with them!!

I am very active and love taking my children on camping trips, fishing, hiking....anything outdoors! We've driven to Maine several times and adore the scenery and smell of fresh air there! We're planning on moving there as well. It's so beautiful there and totally different then here in NC. The winters are cold but I LOVE the light and fluffy snow there. The kids enjoy it also. We plan to build snow forts once we move there.

I have so many dreams for my children and myself. I want to teach them all the things I know that has really helped me be self sufficient in life. I want them to know how to work on appliances, how to build things, how to work on cars, how to cook....all of it! I also want them to learn survival skills which is why when we go camping it's with the bare necessities. Yep, you'll NEVER see us in a camper....it's a sleeping bag and maybe a tent!

I plan to build a log home.....built with just the kids and I. Won't that be awesome? I want there to be a high ceiling with rafters large enough to sit on. I love reading and sitting on those rafters on rainy days would be awesome!!

I also love to dance dance dance. It is nothing for me to go dancing all night long with friends. I dance around the house everyday, especially when doing house chores. What better way to stay in shape?? I have a fantastic dance partner and he and I clear the floors!! It's so much fun and such an adrenaline rush.

I also enjoy roller coasters....the scarier the better. My son cries that I won't let him ride the adult roller coasters and doesn't understand he's to small!! We love traveling and exploring new places. My son is pretty tough and I just carry my daughter on my back when we are hiking and it's a bit much for her. We plan to hike to every dam in NC and also every waterfall!! That should keep us busy!!

I want to open a facility to help survivors of domestic violence get on their feet. I'd like the facility to offer temporary housing, education, clothing, daycare.....everything needed to become self sufficient. I'm a survivor myself and know firsthand how scary and hard it is to survive as a completely single parent always looking over her shoulder in case she's been found. I want to teach others from what I've learned and make the transition as easy as possible for them.

I can't think of much else to tell you about me. I have a ton of great friends and we do all kinds of things together. Grilling out, swimming, visiting local parks and so much more. Life is great and I couldn't ask for more!!

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If I had been asked in 2002-2003 to write a short bio, this is what it would have said. But that was a long time ago. That was before Fibromyalgia entered my life. Now, my life has changed.

I had moved all the children and my personal belongings to Maine. My heart longed to be there but there were things I needed to handle in my home state. Then, one morning I woke up and couldn't move my legs. I was sure I'd had a stroke. I was terrified. I called a friend who took me to the doctor. Within a week, I was in so much pain that I seriously considered knocking my head into the wall to knock myself unconscious. It seemed perfectly sane as the pain I was in seemed inhuman, impossible and deadly.

I was diagnosed quickly, unlike most people with my set of health issues. A doctor checked off the wrong box on the lab sheet and I was tested inadvertantly for rheumatic issues. This led to my diagnosis of Mixed Connective Tissue Disease, Reynaud's Phenomena and Fibromyalgia. For years I thought the Mixed Connective Tissue Disease (Lupus and Myositis) was the worse of the three. But then, after getting pregnant with my third child, the MCTD went into remission. That is when I discovered how nasty Fibromyalgia could truly be.

Fibromylgia has completely changed my life. My social life disappeared. No longer will you find me on hiking trips that last for extended periods of time in the wilderness. No longer will you find me camping in the middle of nowhere. You won't find me dancing the night away or hanging out late at events. You won't find me working or going to college full time.

You might find me stuck in bed all day. You may find my husband or daughter helping me bathe and dress. You could find someone feeding me. You'll always find me in bed each morning stiff and in immense pain with someone working out my knots and tight muscles before I attempt to get out of bed. You'll always find me unable to sleep well and immensely bone weary and fatigued. You'll often find me unable to eat as the pain I'm in causes nausea. You may find me sensitive to light, sound, smells, touch and more. You may notice that I rarely dress "classy" as I always have to wear soft clothing that doesn't bind or have tight buttons and snaps. You'll rarely see me driving a vehicle since between my concentration issues and the pain it's near impossible. You may see me wrapped in layers when it's hot out, or even hiding from the wind that is blowing. You will most likely notice that little things that don't hurt you cause me intense pain. You'll also realize that if it is cold or rainy, I won't venture outside and stay under heated blankets and heating pads.

You might get offended when I don't remember meeting you. You're more likely to get offended when I don't know who you are yet we spent tons of time together in the past. You may get offended when I continuously turn down your invitations to go out or to come over. You may find yourself wondering if I really have health issues at all since some days I look "normal". You may feel sorry for my children when they have to care for me instead of my being able to care for them. You may quit hanging around me because it bothers you to see me in so much pain. You may quit hanging around me because I can't do the things you do or because we no longer have anything in common. You probably quit hanging around because you just don't know what you should or shouldn't say and do.

I still have the same dreams........they just aren't possible in the body that cages and traps me now. I have new dreams now as well. I want to write a book....to talk about all the negative things that has happened to me and how God has carried me through. Yet, I can't even journal anymore since writing hurts so much. Even sitting for long periods of time and typing causes me pain. I want my voice to be heard.....I want others to know what this is like.....I want to be a light to those that can't stand another moment of pain even though I still have days like that myself. Yet, my body traps me and limits me and won't let me fulfill my dreams.

I want to see the summit of a mountain again and watch as the sun rises. I want to feel the mist settle on my face as I sit outside in the middle of the night to hear the owls. I want to swim in the ocean and fell the surge of the waves. I want to run through fields with sunlight streaming down. I want to dance in the rain. I want to hike and dive off a waterfall. I want to swing out across the water on a vine. I want to ride a bicycle and swing on a swing. I want to walk to check my mailbox and not have to contemplate whether the consequences are worth the exercise. I want to cook meals for my family each night instead of having to eat quick instant stuff. I want to go out dancing. I want to shoot pool, play tennis, and shoot some hoops. I want to drive a car at night with the windows down and the radio blaring. I want to have my children wake me up by tackling me on the bed. I want to tickle fight and wrestle with them. I want to show them my favorite places. I want to dress nice each and every day just because I can. I want to see blueberry fields and rocky coasts again. I want to fly kites with the kids and play with them on the playground. I want to be the one to teach them to play sports, to survive in the wilderness, to swim, to ride bikes, and everything else a parent can teach a child. I want to go play in the snow and dance in the rain. I want to be able to see the screen through my tears as I type all these things I miss so very much in my life.

Yet, I'm here. Fibromyalgia has ravished my body. Fibromyalgia has caused me to have diagnosis of Costochondritis, Levadar Syndrome, anxiety and more. I had a hysterectomy in an attempt to decrease the pain and now know I can bear no more children.

Fibromyalgia has caused me to seek relief in the form of various doctors, medications and treatments, only to be dismayed and discouraged. Sometimes it works a little, but not enough to justify the side effects. Other times it works better, but it's to expensive or not available. Most of the time, you just grit your teeth and pray your way through it.

I've learned alot since I got up close and personal with Fibromyalgia. I learned that true friends don't care what you can and can't do. They also learn how to deal with your daily pain without it affecting our friendship. I learned that there are men who can see your inner beauty beyond the layers of pain and become wonderful husbands. I've learned that children are much more resilient then I ever believed possible and that they are the truest examples of unconditional love next to Jesus and God. I've learned that the human body can withstand unbelievable amounts of pain and not die (even if wishing you would). I've also learned that childbirth is NOT the worse pain in the world, even though I gave birth to a child that was over 9 pounds with no medication at all. I've learned that I would gladly take the pain of childbirth over the pain I deal with everyday. I've learned that Fibromyalgia gets worse through the years, and that your body lifts it's pain threshold to deal with it better. I've learned that narcotics do not help all types of pain and that insurance companies want you to have the cheapest, not the best, treatment available. I've learned that despite all the recent medical documentation showing that Fibromyalgia is a legitimate disability and causes real dysfunctions, some doctors and therapists (not to mention the general public) still don't believe in it. I've learned that sometimes it seems an "invisible" disability is worse then one that is seen from the outside. I've learned never to judge someone by what you see as more then likely you have no idea what you are truly looking at. I've learned that often times "lazy", "mean", "cranky", "selfish" can instead be "in to much pain to function". I've learned that pain causes depression, nausea, fatigue and more.

They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and many days I wonder who "they" are and if "they" were on illegal psychotic drugs when "they" said that. I don't think I'm any stronger, however I can say my dependance on God is life saving. I can't imagine how someone with this type of pain could survive without God in their life. I don't believe God makes bad things happen to people, but I do believe He can make any good come of the bad.

I could go on and on about all the negatives of Fibromyalgia, but none of us want to sit here that long. Instead, I'm going to leave you with the ONLY definates that having Fibromyalgia has taught me. I pray that they will help you and those you know that have battles they face each day.

"Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary." Isaiah 40:31

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning or crying or pain." Revelation 21:4

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

"You have been a strength to the poor, A strength to the needy in his distress, A refuge from the storm, A shade for the heat." Isaiah 25:4

"I will open rivers in desolate heights, And fountains in the midst of the valleys; I will make the wilderness a pool of water, And the dry land springs of water. I will plant in the wilderness the cedar and the acacia tree, The myrtle and the oil tree; I will set in the desert the cypress tree and the pine and the box tree together, That they may see and know, And consider and understand together, The the hand of the Lord has done this, And the Holy One of Israel has created it." Isaiah 41: 18-20

Fibro Fog and Me

2011-04-26T19:32:00.001-04:00

I was reading the May/June 2011 issue of Arthritis Self-Management magazine today. There is an article about Fibromyalgia. Most of it I already knew. However, one section caught my eye. It stated, "Recent research has found that people with fibromyalgia do not make new memories at a normal rate when their attention is divided." It went on to use an illustration of a person with fibro talking on the phone when someone knocks on the door with a message. The person with fibro would find it difficult to remember what the phone conversation was about. Personally, I'd forget I was even on the phone and should I recall that useful bit of info, I'd panic wondering who it is I'm talking to!

The article also stated that those with fibro have a "naming speed deficit" that requires more time to read words and name colors then those without fibro. I had wondered whether my decreased reading ability had anything to do with my fibro....now I know.

When I read articles such as these, there is always one or more "lightbulb" moments. It's a moment where, suddenly, something in my life makes sense. Something I'd worried over, or was aggravated by, was contributed to Fibro.

When I'm doing chores, typing on my pc, reading something, etc...I always tell my children and husband that they can't interrupt me. If they do, it'll take me longer to figure out what I was doing then to complete the task! I knew I wasn't always this way, but wasn't sure if it was contributed to the fibro.

I've always been an avid book lover. I started reading at a young age and never stopped....until fibro. I still love books, but it's difficult to read now. If I'm reading a book and have to get up for something, I have to go back and scan the parts I've already read to figure out what is going on. When I go to bed at night, I'll wake and not even recall I was in the middle of a book. I tell everyone that I can remember things I did years ago just fine, but can't seem to remember what I did yesterday. Maybe it's not that I can't remember, but that because my attention was divided (and isn't it always when your children are around?) that the memories weren't made!!

Part of me wants to scream triumphantly and run around showing this article to all those who have gotten mad at me for not remembering. However, those are the same people that would scoff at the article and said it probably wasn't written by a professional. So, instead, I'll share it here. I'll share it with my fibromites so that they'll have their own "lightbulb" moments and feel relief knowing it's not just them. I'll share it with my blog followers who support and/or love someone with fibro so that they can understand their life just a little bit more.

Gentle hugs to each of my fibromites. Prayers for you and those who love and support you for who you are, not what you can and can't do. Thanks to God who loves me unconditionally and will never judge me according to works,but instead through faith and His grace!! ;-)

Violence UnSilenced: Today I Spoke Out

2011-04-25T09:41:00.000-04:00

Today, a small part of my story will be told at Violence UnSilenced. Although I've spoke often to others, and at public speaking events, about my story, there is something different about it being in print. Permanent. For all to see.

It wasn't easy deciding which moment to take out of my life to share. There are so many.....to many that I could have chosen. Yet, after months of writing and rewriting, this particular instance came to my mind. For me it signifies how different the world is for someone being abused. How the important things aren't so important, how the insignificant suddenly has great weight.

Survivors of abuse leave the abusive situation with a warped view of the world. They've learned survival skills in a setting that is the farthest from how God intended it to be. The world has become a very dark and scary place. A place where those that professed love destroyed all hope. A place where trust equals pain and heartache. A place where shadows lurk and it doesn't take much to rip off the scabs that have only started to heal. A place where your scars shine bright within you, yet no one else notices or cares.

Please, take a moment to go to Violence UnSilenced. Read not only my post, but those of the other survivors of violence. Show your support to them as they are reaching out to share their stories with others. We don't share our stories for pity.....we share our stories so that you might be able to help your sister, your daughter, your son, your friend. We all know someone who has or is being abused. It's up to you to become aware of the signs and reach out to that person. You could make the difference......you could save a life.

Upcoming Post on VU

2011-04-14T15:28:00.000-04:00

On April 25th, a small piece of my story will be posted at Violence UnSilenced. I can't begin to explain the myriad of emotions I feel knowing that such an intimate part of my life will be posted online for all to see. I'm not sure why it feels so different then all the times I've told my story publicly, before many faces, but it does. Maybe it's because it's in print. Maybe it's because it's in a format that will continue to exist for many years. Maybe it's because it's me.

If you are not familiar with Violence UnSilenced, please take the time to go explore the stories there. Violence Unsilenced is a voice. It is the voice of survivors. It is a voice, not of victims, but of those who have stepped out and spoke up. It is a voice of those who no longer want to be quiet, but want others to hear their horrors. It is a voice of those who want to reach out to help make sure others don't fall into the same traps they did. It is our voice.

This voice was created a bit over two years ago by a wonderful woman named Maggie. Although at times I suspect that Maggie doesn't count herself as "wonderful", all of us that have found a voice at VU (Violence UnSilenced) do. She's given us something that is imperitive to survival. She's offered us something that helps us kick out of just survival mode and into living. You can find her blog at Okay, Fine, Dammit.

If you are currently being abused...........know that you are not alone. Many others have been where you are now. It is NOT your fault, regardless of what you may think or feel you've done. There is help available. Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or visit their website HERE Remember, computer traffic can be monitored so make sure you are using a safe computer!

Regardless of what has happened in your life, you are loved, you are special, you are beautiful. Change never happens overnight, but in one small step at a time. Hang in there. ((((((((hugs)))))))))

2012 Olympics = Segregation???

2011-03-14T12:40:00.002-04:00

Everyone loves the Olympics, right?? Everyone, regardless where you are from, has at least heard of the Olympics, right? And now, each of us need to stand up and do what is right regarding the Olympics. The Olympics in 2012 will be held in London. As a result, lawmakers are attempting to pass new laws in an attempt to give a false image of the area. For example, some of the laws state:

"No person shall lie down or sleep in or on any public place."

"No person shall distribute any free refreshment in or on any public place."

"No person shall knowingly permit any person to distribute any free refreshment in or on any public place."

The legislatures responsible for these laws are passing them under the pretenses of helping the homeless. At this point in time, homeless people in the area benefit from "soup runs" where they have much needed nourishment provided to them for free. The concept is, if you stop providing much needed nourishment to homeless people in one area, they'll all leave and move to another area. (segregation???) I mean seriously, who wants to see a bunch of homeless people laying around when you're there to watch the Olympics?

Yet, lets look at everyone this affects. Let's say you are walking down the street in the area where this is to be banned. You see a single mother with three children. She looks tired and worn, yet still manages to smile when she speaks to others and her children. You can tell that she hasn't much money and you decide to go get each of the children an ice cream cone and give it to them. Oh, but wait.....you can't do that. The laws clearly state:

“refreshments” includes food or drink"

"refreshments are “free” if they are distributed without charge to the persons to whom they are distributed."

Maybe a nice gentleman holds the door for you and then has a seat nearby. You decide to give him a cup of coffee.....but wait, can't do that either.

Maybe you, like me, have health problems. Walking puts you in pain, sometimes so much pain that you need to lie down a few moments before proceeding. You find a bench that is empty, and proceed to stretch out, getting a few minutes of relief from the pain throbbing in your back. Oh wait....you can't do that either, it's illegal!!!

How about you men? Here you are, and your wife is shopping. We all know how long some women can take shopping!! You sit down, stretch out your legs, pull your hat down over your eyes, and decide to nap until she finishes. Ohhhhh....you can't do that either!!! It's illegal!!

Let's put yourself in someone else's shoes now. You've worked hard your entire life. You have always been self sufficient and paid for everything yourself. You never got anything on credit, likeing the feeling you got when making your purchases in cash. You had a secure, happy, confident life. Then your company went under. Through no fault of your own, you ended up unemployed in an economy that has no jobs available. You did fine until your savings ran out. Then you started to sell your belongings. When all was gone, you had no choice but to sleep on the streets. Your friends were all from the same company and ended up in similar circumstances. Though some had family to move in with and help, others were like you.....with no family nearby. The first night you ended up with nowhere to sleep, you walked for hours in disbelief. How did you end up here? What were you going to do? Sleep finally overcame you after the 2nd night you walked for hours. You sat down in an alcove to be protected from the rain. You only planned to stop a few minutes and rest, but sleep overcame you and you fell asleep. Just a few hours and you could be back up and on your way.....looking for work.....looking for ways just to survive......trying to figure out how to feed your stomach that rumbled and hurt with hunger. But wait.......you can stop and rest here, it's illegal. And the people who used to come and reach out to the homeless by offering them a meal are no longer allowed to. You'll remain hungry. Chances are you'll get fined before someone comes to let you know where you can go for food..........if you can walk that far as hungry and weak as you are. You see, homeless people aren't allowed in this part of town. They've been segregated to other places. Homeless people can't get help here...........the Olympics are coming and we don't want people to see the likes of you.

The Olympics are coming to London. Tons of people and businesses will flood the area, bringing in money and resources to the area. How easy it would be for the legislatures to use the Olympics to heighten awareness of homelessness. How easy it would be for the legislatures to use this as an opportunity to encourage others to reach out to help the homeless. Yet, instead, Westminster wants to run all the homeless people out and pretend that there are no homeless in Westminster.

Yet, you know the truth now. When you purchase that Tshirt that says "Olympics 2012" on it, will you think about the homeless that are being run out? Will you think about how if you were there, you couldn't offer a hungry man a meal....or children of lesser means ice cream? When you pick up that "Olympic 2012" ball cap, will you think about how ludicrous it is that a man waiting on his husband to finish shopping will be fined if he naps while waiting?

What if it were you? Show your compassion. Speak your thoughts on the matter b:

Print and fill out the consultation letter at the link below and mail it to: Alastiar Reeves: Rough Sleeping Team, Westminster City Council, Westminster City Hall, 64 Victoria Street, London SW1E 6PQ
                                      OR
You can send an email to Alastiar Reeves stating that you disagree and why at areeves1@westminster.gov.uk
                                      OR
You can call and voice your opinion by phone at   020 7641 2254

Link to letter to print and mail:
http://www3.westminster.gov.uk/docstores/publications_store/Draft%20Rough%20Sleeping%20and%20Soup%20Run%20Byelaw_Consultation%20Letter.pdf

Link to the Law:
http://www3.westminster.gov.uk/docstores/publications_store/Draft%20Rough%20Sleeping%20and%20Soup%20Run%20Byelaw.pdf

I please with each of you, contact regarding this matter. People can make a difference. Don't tell me that it doesn't affect you because you live elsewhere. This happens everywhere, every day!! It happens here in America. Just ask anyone whose been homeless......ask me!! Christ came here to let us know it's not our place to judge......it's our place to love.

Where God is leading me..........

2011-03-11T22:22:00.000-05:00

Within a 5 minute time span I discovered that two different people I have known in times past is on a path of sharing God with others. Blown away by one.....impressed by the other.....I can't help but stop and contemplate. Where is God leading me? What is the path I am to walk?

As soon as I start to think those thoughts, the spirit of doubt whispers in my ear. What can you do in that broken body? How can you minister and bring others to Christ when you can't even leave the house most days? How can you do anything?

Truth of the matter is, I can't do anything at all. My broken body limits me. Yet, "I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me". I've spent so much time feeling like a failure, looking at all I could not do. Even as I told others not to focus on the door that God has closed or you won't see the one He has opened for you, I myself am guilty of that very thing.

I've focused on the limits my health and pain issues have placed on me. I've focused on all the ways I've felt I was failing as a mother, as a wife, as a child of God. Each morning I pick up my Bible and was filled with guilt...........guilt I hadn't made it to church, guilt that I didn't read the Bible first thing, guilt that I didn't talk to others about God today.

Satan has a way of being sneaky. He slowly sneaks up and whispers in your ear. Occassionally at first, but then more and more. Eventually, if you start to listen to the whispers, you forget that you are under attack and begin to believe those things are true. Then, you're stuck.

I don't know what God has for me, for my family. I do know that inside my own home, each and every day, I have one of the most important ministry opportunities ever. Ministering to my husband and my children. It's easy to get lost in the busyness of the day to day and put off things till tomorrow that should have been done today. That never works, because then tomorrow ends up overloaded and overwhelmed.

I am blessed. So truly blessed. God has given me children with hearts that are open to helping others, to loving others. God has allowed my children to see me, imperfect as I am, and love me unconditionally. God has blessed me with a husband that humbles himself and cares for me with compassion. God has shown me a love that I never knew existed.

The world seeks to define me. Through the years Satan has sought to use the world to define me in many ways. I've been defined as a victim, a survivor, weak, strong, crippled, broken, trapped, free. Yet, at the end of each day, there is only one thing that defines me.........I am a wonderful, beautiful child of the one and only true God. I give all the honor and glory to Him and thank Him for all that He has blessed me with, even as I live undeserving of His love and blessings. I thank Him for sending His one and only Son to die for me, that through Him I might be forgiven. I thank my Heavenly Father for showing me His love, so that I might fully heal from the broken, bruised and tender heart that was within me and know true love....His love.

Thank you God. Please, make me a light to others. Use me Lord. Use me to touch the heart of the woman who lays battered and bruised, from the fists of the man who vowed to love her forever. Please Lord, use me to touch the heart of the man who once again has drowned his loneliness and heartache in drugs and alcohol. Father, please, use me to reach out to the girl who is lost and forlorn, holding on to the memory of that which she had planned to save, even after it had been violently taken from her. Use me Lord, to touch the heart of the one judged and abandoned. Use me Dear God to reach the heart of the one who has witnessed crimes unspeakable and felt at fault. Father, use me to reach the heart of the one whose memories place them in the depth of despair. Use me Abba, to reach the heart of the one who drowns their pain in the lines they cut across their body. Use me Father to reach the heart of the one who lies cold, alone and homeless. Use me Lord, to reach the heart of the one who remains hungry day after day. Use me God to touch the hearts of the one who is on the run for their life, hiding day and night, in fear. Dear Heavenly Father who has taught me to love through His love for me, use me to reach the heart of those in whose shoes I have walked. Lead me Father, guide me. I am yours. Send me....send me......

In Honor of.............

2011-03-11T14:22:00.000-05:00

This is in honor of the men and women who stand by their spouse each and ever day, through good times and bad, through SICKNESS and in health.

Judged by FAITH and not by WORKS..........and not by YOU

2011-03-08T19:51:00.000-05:00

I woke in the middle of the night. My stiffened joints cried out in agony as I attempted to move them. Although the pain was agonizing, keeping them still was not an option. To do so would mean the muscles in my body stiffening in addition to the joints, resulting in more pain. My husband tossed and murmured in his sleep as my cries of pain rang out through the bedroom. I was grateful that he had fell asleep in the living room, rather then to be wakened fully by my screams. After slowly readjusting myself, I laid as still as I could….trying to breathe as lightly as possible in a vain effort to reduce the pain. I listened as the rain pummeled the roof and thought to myself, “I hate rain.” A tear escaped from the corner of my eye as I remembered back to a time when I looked forward to the sound of the rain at night as it brought solace and peace to my sleep. Yet, those days are long gone.

I dozed on and off through the night. The dampness seemed to permeate my body leaving in its wake pain, stiffness and swelling. Morning came unbearably slow, but with it no relief from the pain. My daughter didn’t even have to ask, she knew there would be no outing to church for me. She smiled as she worked on the knots in my muscles and said, It’s OK Mommy, we can all stay home and help you today. We’ll just watch Joyce instead!” Once again I was overwhelmed at the large task this 10 year old has and her compassion in accepting it. I would have stayed home alone so that my family could enjoy the joys of church, yet my family knows what that would entail and therefore won’t leave me alone in this shape. Instead, they stayed home to care for me.

While my husband worked medicine into my joints, I thought of you. I thought of the judgmental comments you’d made of my missing church lately. When my daughter helped me toilet, I again thought of you and what you’ll say to me about not being at church today. When my youngest sat beside the bed and cried because he couldn’t have his morning cuddle with Mommy, I again thought of when you told me my pain was “all in my head”. When my husband carried me to the living room so that I could spend time with the children, I wondered if the children had overheard your comments and wondered if it had affected them the same as it had me. When my daughter placed my meds in my mouth and held the cup to my lips, I wondered if you would judge me so harshly if you only saw me today.

Sunday came and went……then Monday. I spent most of the time in bed, occasionally laying on the couch or typing a quick comment here or there. I was sure that with the rain gone and the sunshine today, I’d feel better. Yet, I laid awake through the night with a pain in my….of all places…..tailbone. Each time I woke, the pain would have spread. By morning, my entire body seemed to be curled around itself……curled into the pain. As with each morning, my daughter came in to help me. She brought me drink and meds, stretched limbs that would not stretch on their own, and pushed, prodded and kneaded at stubborn knots. She made her little brother breakfast, read her Bible, and started on her schoolwork. She fielded phone calls for me and ran interference between her little brother and me. Through the pain, my heart soared that this child was born to me and I thanked God for my blessings. Yet again, I thought of you and wondered………..if you knew that it was all of life I missed, and not only church, would you still judge me so?

Once I was able to read, I started my day with the only thing that gets me through……God’s word. I was starting in Romans today. Curled on the couch, with the blanket my daughter lovingly draped over me, I read Paul’s words. I read as Paul spoke of how our faith is so much greater then our works. I read the following words……

“What then shall we say that Abraham our father has fund according to the flesh? For if Abraham was justified by works, he has something to boast about, but not before God. For what does the Scripture say? ‘Abraham believed God, and it was accounted to him for righteousness.’ Now to him who works, the wages are not counted as grace, but as debt. But to him who does not work but believes on Him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is accounted for righteousness, just as David also describes the blessedness of the man to whom God imputes righteousness apart from works: ‘Blessed are those who lawless deeds are forgiven, And whose sins are covered; Blessed is the man to whom the Lord shall not impute sin.’” (Romans 4:1-8)

My heart soared as I read these versus. I realized, that though I was stung by your words, your judgment, your criticizing………..God did not feel the same way. God was not looking to what I could and could not do. God knew my faith and He was not focused on whether or not the limitations of my physical body kept me from church. He loves me and He has offered me forgiveness of all my sins through the sacrifice of His Son whom died for me. Just as the widow who put in her last coin and was acknowledged by Christ, so will all those who are trapped in a body or mind that prevents them from acting on their faith as they long to do.

I pray that you will find the same compassion and love that my Father and Christ has shown me. I will no longer worry about your judgments nor your criticizing comments. I know that my Father and my Redeemer looks not to my actions, but rather to the faith that I have in all the promises made in His word.

So, despite the pain I’ve felt today, despite the limits of what I have or have not been able to do, my soul is lightened. God has led me to His word and once again my soul has found peace. Praise be to the one and only God, my Heavenly Father………the one who calls me daughter.

Do You Judge Yourself Unworthy??

2011-02-27T11:44:00.000-05:00

In the time that Jesus was on earth, there was much prejudice. The Jews viewed the Gentiles as beneath them and would not associate with them. Jesus reversed this standard while he was on earth as can be seen by his parable of the "Good Samaritan" and the Samaritan woman he spoke with at the well. Jesus ate with tax collectors and shared God's love with all. After Jesus died, his disciples continued to tell others about Him, and bringing them to God's love.

In Acts Chapter 13, Paul and those with him came to Antioch. They entered the synagogue on the Sabbath day. After the reading of the Law and the Prophets, Paul and those with him were asked to speak. Paul then stood up and spoke with the Jews that were assembled there. He spoke of how God's people, by God's hand, were delivered from Egypt and brought into a land for them to dwell upon. He spoke of the time of Judges and Samuel the prophet. He continued on through the time of King Saul and King David. He spoke of John, who came to tell people of Christ's coming. He continued on to talk about Jesus time on earth, and how He was put to death yet did not see corruption.

When John left the synagogue, the Gentiles "begged" that the words John spoke to the Jews would be preached to them the next Sabbath. I have to pause for a moment here and reflect on this. The Gentiles "begged" to hear what John spoke of Christ and God's redeeming love. They were hungry for God's word. They BEGGED.

On the next Sabbath day, the Bible says that almost the entire city assembled to hear the word of God. Yet, it says that when the Jews say the multitudes, they were filled with envy and began to contradict, blaspheme and oppose the things Paul was saying. At this point in time, Paul and his companion Barnabas stated, "It was necessary that the word of God should be spoken to you first; but since you reject it, and JUDGE YOURSELVES UNWORTHY of everlasting life, behold, we turn to the Gentiles." (Acts 13:46, emphasis mine)

"Judge yourselves unworthy". Note, it does not say here that God judged them unworthy, or that others on earth judged them unworthy. Rather, through their actions of rejecting Christ, they had judged themselves unworthy. Often we hear people tell others that they have no right to judge them. Yet, by our own actions, we are all responsible for judging ourselves in the sense the Jews judged themselves unworthy.

Then, there are those who constantly feel that they are unworthy. They judge themselves as unworthy of love. Maybe they judge themselves unworthy of God's forgiveness. There are those who judge themselves unworthy of having good things in life. Others judge themselves as unworthy to get a promotion at work, or to have a nice home. The list goes on and on regarding what people judge themselves unworthy of today.

Yet, the Bible is very very clear that God and Christ has not judged us unworthy. Rather, God holds out his love and his forgiveness through Christ's sacrifice to each of us. In John 12:46 Jesus himself said, "I have come as a light into the world, that whoever believes in Me should not abide in darkness. And if anyone hears My words and does not believe, I will not judge him; for I did not come to judge the world but to save the world."

As you may recall, while Jesus was being crucified for our sins, a criminal beside him sought forgiveness. Jesus told him, "Assuredly, I say to you today, you will be with Me in Paradise." ( Luke 23:43) This man was a criminal who was being put to death for his crimes. Yet, as he hung there, he did not judge himself unworthy of forgiveness but rather, sought it. Just as the Gentiles begged to hear God's word.

We have many choices in life. More often then not, we let the bad decisions and choices we've made as well as the bad things that have happened to us determine whether or not we will allow good things in our life. God is holding out eternal life, free of pain and tears, to each and everyone of us.

Have you judged yourself unworthy to obtain God's forgiveness and gift of eternal life?

Medical Professional?? Where???

2011-02-21T20:28:00.000-05:00

I've lost track of all the specialists I've seen since I was first diagnosed in 2003. I've seen several rheumatologists, pain specialists, neurologists, cardiologist, the list goes on and on. They have all done one thing in common ....... contradicted each other.

I can not begin to describe my frustration. Supposedly, at present, rheumatologists are the "go to" specialists for Fibromyalgia and Connective Tissue Diseases (Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, etc). Yet, it seems that these specailists are at a loss. Some still feel that it's an imagined disease. Others feel that strong narcotics and muscle relaxers are the only key since it's impossible to improve quality of life. Some feel that narcotics and muscle relaxers should not be used, but rather the pain should be dealt with and used as a sign of what you should and should not do. Some believe that there are a myriad of symptoms that falls under these diseases and that they often overlap in symptoms. Others believe that there is a strict criteria of symptoms for each disease and that symptoms don't overlap.

I have been told that my symptoms are caused by Fibromyalgia and Mixed Connective Tissue Disease. I've been told that I don't have either, and that there is something else causing the symptoms (though that doc wasn't sure what it was causing it). I've been told that I should work through the pain and that I should stop when I feel pain. I've been told that my symptoms aren't caused by either Fibro or MCTD and that I should go see a particular specialists, only to have that specialist tell me it is the Fibro and MCTD. I could go on and on.

Now, I'm just tired and frustrated. It appears that, although diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, MCTD, and Reynaud's Phenomena.....the only one that can be successfully treated is the latter. I've been told that I'm a difficult patient and won't have any relief because I refused to the prescriptions of Oxycontin offered me. This was after I made sure the physician had duly noted my previous drug addictions as a teen. I've been told that narcotics offer no real relief to the pain and worsen the fatigue.

I've had medications that successfully help manage my pain without affecting me mentally suddenly no longer be covered by insurance. I've had medications that would help not be covered by insurance because the FDA had not explicitly approved it for my specific use. I've been unable to get certain medical care that has been proven to help because it's considered "alternative". I've been denied medical coverage o quoted rates that were so astronomical that I'd never be able to afford it. I've had to wait over 6 months on a waiting list to get in to see a doctor.

I've had to argue with some doctors to prescribe me certain medications that I've used before because they didn't think it would work. I've had to argue with doctors that if I'm only asking for 30 Hydrocodone's every 3 months, there is no way I'm abusing them! I've been told that if I refused the pain clinic's prescriptions (the oxycontins) then there was no point in being given prescriptions for medications not as strong.

Why am I harping on this now? Well, I recently had a doctor's appointment. It was my second visit with this particular doctor and I'd hoped that this would be a doctor that valued the whole body approach (do these doctors exist anymore). Tired of having several different specialists who all contradict each other, I want one doctor who can assist me in finding a combination of both medicinal and non-medicinal ways to improve my quality of life. Yet this specialists literally.......yes literally.....shrugged her shoulders and told me she didn't know what to tell me. She then named out some other specialists I might could see, telling me that she knew some of my symptoms could not be caused by MCTD or Fibromyalgia. This after years of being told by other doctors that the symptoms were a direct result of these diseases.

I've heard very good things about a handful of doctors in relation to MCTD and Fibro. Yet, none of them accept insurance, none of them are nearby, and they all want astronomical fees.

I can't help but wonder...............what exactly is going on with the medical field these days? How can several different physicians tell me opposite things and declare them to be truths? How can medications shown to help people not be covered by insurance but medications with a lower success rate be covered? Why is it that specialists won't work together as a team, but rather feel there is some sort of competition between them?

I long for a time when your physician knew you by name. The time when they knew your family and asked specifically about them when you came in. The time when your doctor could discuss with you all your symptoms, and various solutions as to how to treat them. A time when your doctor actually researched any symptoms they weren't familiar with and found out information about what might help.

I'm fortunate that my children got to experience this type of care when they were first born. Their pediatricians and doctors have all either retired or moved to another practice. I've been searching for a doctor that can offer me that type of care, and am continually discouraged not to find it.

I'm not alone in this. Many people find that they receive more information about what will help them from support groups and message boards then from specialists and physicians. More and more people are turning to online pharmacies or even moving to states where medicinal marijuana is legal. Many people have quit seeing physicians completely and turned their back on the medical field that seems to only make things worse.

Although I feel that the health reform has a lot of good suggestions, I feel that there needs to be a focus on quality healthcare and not just quantity. I have health insurance but prior to the Clinton Administration was one who would never have qualified due to pre-existing conditions. Even now, if not for the year I spent with state funded health care, I wouldn't have the paid health insurance I have now through my husband's employer. But, if I didn't have health insurance, would I want to pay for the medical treatment that I receive now? I'm not saying that focus shouldn't be put on helping those without insurance to obtain it..............but if everyone is going to be forced to obtain insurance, then shouldn't the medical care at least be of a greater standard?

I Did It Again

2011-02-13T00:17:00.001-05:00

After weeks of battling disabling pain, fatigue, headaches, nausea and more, I had started to feel better. My husband and I spent two nights away at a cottage where I slept the majority of the time. Feeling more refreshed then the preceding weeks, I decided to follow up the mini-vacation with a trip to Biltmore Estates. Overall, I accomplished more in one day then I'd been able to do in months. I alternated between my hip locking on me, and the pain in my head causing me to take many more breaks then I expected. I spent the majority of the time sprawled out in the grass on the estate as Pookie (5 year old son with special needs) ran, flipped, and climbed walls (literally). When we stopped for dinner on the way home, I told my husband that I was in immense pain, but that it felt good to know the pain was a result of having done something. I told him that if I was going to hurt, I'd rather it be from accomplishing something rather then from laying around in bed.

The next morning I woke determined to push myself harder then ever before. If I could hang with Biltmore, then I could at least catch up on some housework and start packing for our upcoming move. I tackled the kitchen. I pushed through the pain, the fatigue and the headache. I swept behind appliances, boxed up items to give away, and bleached everything that could be bleached. I even managed to drive a short distance down the road (although the pain almost prevented me from making it back home).

I went to sleep last night thinking of how much I could get accomplished this week if I kept up at the same pace. I thought about how I'd always let the fatigue and pain stop me, but this time would be different. I allowed myself to dream of all the fun things I'd be able to do with the children with my new found strength and vigor. Dreams of hiking trips, fishing adventures, and field trips filled my mind as I feel into the embraces of sleep.

Then, today came. I woke with a fatigue so severe I couldn't get out of bed. After a few more hours of sleep, I managed to make it to the couch where I gave the older two children their daily chore and schoolwork assignments. I checked a couple emails and messages, and went back to the couch. The fatigue and pain today has been unbearable. At noon I went to lie down with Pook during his nap/rest time. I slept for two hours only to wake feeling more fatigued and in pain then when I first laid down. I dragged myself to the couch and gazed upon the chores that I had dreamed of accomplishing today. I begin to berate myself for once again having gotten my hopes up.

Don't I know that each time I dream of accomplishing "normal" things, I am deeply disappointed? Haven't I learned yet that the unbearable pain and fatigue always come back and stop me? How did I not know that if I "over-did" it, I'd pay for it? Why did I think this time would be different?

Rather then sit and bemoan my misfortune, I decided to blog. To get it all out in print and release the despair I feel at this moment.

I had a physician tell me long ago that I was living in denial. That I was not accepting the limitations of my physical body and that until I did, I would remain unhappy and unable to feel contentment. She told me that I needed to quit thinking about the things I had done and enjoyed before, and find the "new me". How ironic that the things she tells me I am refusing to accept, are the same types of things that I feel makes Pookie so unique and special.

So, here I am today. Once again let down from having allowed myself to dream of a "normal" life. Yet, I find comfort in the fact that I don't have to completely accept the "new me". I know that God has promised to one day "wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain." I think of the lyrics to one of my favorite songs where Chris Tomlin sings, "I will rise, when He calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain." I know that God will strengthen me to accomplish His will today, no more and no less. I know that God "gives strength to the weary and increases the power to the weak......those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

While visiting Cherith Cottage on my husband's and my mini-vacation, I saw a quote in a book. It was a quote that I used to have posted in my bedroom as a child, in my locker at school, and in my cubicle at work. It merely stated, "Life is 10% how you make it, and 90% how you take it."

My broken body today is out of my control. I can only do so much.....eating healthy, getting enough sleep, taking vitamins, stretching, etc.....the rest is out of my control. Yet, there is One who is in control and who provides me with all I need. I tend to lose sight of all God has given me and dwell on what it appears I have lost in my life. Yet, I have so much to be thankful and grateful for. God continues to bless me each and every day. Today I am even thankful that my pain and fatigue has caused me to stop and realign my thinking once more towards my heavenly Father.

So, I am casting my fears upon the Lord as Psalms 55:22 directs me to do, knowing that God will sustain me even today. Knowing that even when typing causes me immense pain, knowing that I have no more "spoons" left for today, knowing I won't be able to cook the meal for my family I'd hoped to and wont be able to finish the chores.........I am still loved by He that created me. He will provide me with all I need this day, and for that I celebrate!

Revelation 21:4

Chris Tomlin "I Will Rise"

Isaiah 40: 28-31

Psalms 55:22

A child life when living with a "sick" parent

2011-02-03T00:25:00.002-05:00

My older two children are very fortunate to attend a support group. It is a group that offers support for children who have a sibling with special needs. It has been a great help to my children when addressing the special needs of their younger brother. Yet, what they don’t have is a support group for living with a chronically ill (and in pain) mother.

My children have helped me tremendously through the years. When I was first diagnosed with Mixed Connective Tissue Disease (Lupus and Polymyositis), Reynaud’s Phenomena, and Fibromyalgia in 2003, my children were 6 years and 3 years old. It wasn’t long before I was to weak to walk My neighbor came over and took my bed apart, placing my mattress on the floor. My 6 year old son and 3 year old daughter would lay a sheet on the floor beside the bed. They would then roll me over onto the sheet and pull me to the bathroom along the floor. They fed me and brought me my medications. The full burden of caring for me was on them for a very long time.

So, what about now? Do they need a support group now? With a loud, resounding yell I say “YES”. Let me tell you a little about our day.

First thing in the morning, my now 10 year old daughter comes to wherever I managed to fall asleep at (I sleep on the floor often due to the bed and/or couch hurting to much). She spends at least an hour working out knots in my muscles. She massages, puts pressure on, stretches and does whatever she can to ease my pain and get my muscles working somewhat. She has figured out through the years how to stretch a particular hard to reach muscle. She knows how to stand on me or sit on me to relieve pain and ease knots. She’s discovered how to use her body to help her in this process.

While my daughter is spending the first part of her morning working on me, her older 13 year old brother is attempting to take care of their younger brother. He’s trying to figure out what his 4 year old, sensory stricken sibling will eat for breakfast. He’s trying to convince him to take his daily medications. He’s trying to transition him into the start of the day, all while trying to keep him away from me (he likes to join in and jumps and climbers on me causing more pain).

Once the knots are worked out as best as they can be, my daughter helps me onto the couch in the livingroom. She then brings me a bottle of water, a soda, and my morning meds. After helping me take my meds, she then goes toget her own breakfast (I’m usually to nauseated from the pain to eat breakfast).

Both the older two children knock out chores after breakfast that most stay at home Mothers do. They clean up after breakfast and make sure the common areas of the house are clean. They start laundry and clean their rooms. About the time they are finishing up, I am starting to get to a point where I can move on my own. I start feeling a little less sick and ask one of them to make me something to eat. They then start on schoolwork.

There are several more things my children do in the course of a day that other children don’t have to. My daughter brings me my clothes each time I shower since taking a shower drains me so completely. She also helps me to put on my shoes when I’m unable. She combs my hair for me. Both of the children find items I misplace daily for me. They prepare breakfast and lunch most everyday and assist their father in preparing dinner each evening.

With our finances as they are, and my being unable to drive, the children don’t get to do a lot. They don’t have the funds to buy things they’d like, nor a way to get there if they wanted. Yet, they still help me.

Don’t get me wrong, my children are by no means saints. They get attitudes, roll their eyes and disobey at times. We have the same battles over chores that any other family has.

I am not always observant to their plight. I don’t always notice that, even though they didn’t get the chores done like I would have, they still took care of me and their 4 year old brother all day.

I would love for my children to have a support group that they could go to and meet with their peers. A place where they can talk about their lives, their frustration, and their feeling under appreciated. A place where they can talk about living with a mother whose memory is affected and often can’t speak what she is trying to say. A place where they can talk about how much they have on them, and meet other children in the same situation.

I am truly blessed to have the children I do. My daughter takes over getting our son ready to go to church each Sunday. Our eldest son handles most meals. Sure, the kids give me a hard time about keeping their rules cleaning and having to clean up after their little brother………..yet, they still take care of both myself and our youngest son without complaining.

Thank you God for giving me such wonderful, compassionate children. May each and every day of their life glorify You!

Fatigue, Hair Loss and Long Lost Twins

2011-01-19T15:22:00.000-05:00

Where to start? First, I guess with that nasty Cymbalta. Remember my saying I would never ever ever take it again? Well, I'm taking it again. Without it I'm a curled up ball of pain, unable to move, unable to get out of bed. With it, I'm at least able to move my carcass to the couch instead of being in my bed all day.

The past two weeks has found me unable to sleep. I've tried everything. I lie in bed at night, listening to my husband's rhythmic breathing and hoping it'll serenade me into sleep. I've tried sleeping on the couch and in the recliner. I've tried music, sound machines, herbal tea, medication...the works. Yet, I'm still staring at the clock wondering how I can be so exhausted and it be 2am.

I woke this morning feeling as if my bones had turned to heavy steel. Steel that was slicing through me with each breathe. My head felt as if a C clamp had been attached to it and someone was slowly but surely tightening it. I felt the pressure of it behind my eyes, feeling as if they were going to pop across the room. The back of my head, right at the base, felt as if it had turned into solid rock.

I dread brushing my hair or washing it. The amounts of hair I'm losing is unbelievable. I've decided, as much as I dislike it, to grow my hair long. Already I can see my scalp through my hair in certain places and I'm hoping that longer hair will help me camouflage it. If it doesn't, and I end up like I was before, I think I'll just go bald and wear bandannas and hats all the time! I keep thinking how I should have gotten family portraits done before I came out of remission.

The sores in my mouth have started as well as the nail and cuticle issues. Ironically enough, the rash on my face seems to have gotten better once everything else started up. It was the first indication that my rheumatic disease had come back. Of course, I've been stuck in my home for so long now, it may just be the lack of sun exposure.

I run a fever now and then, always low grade. It still amazes me that I can be running a fever and have feet so cold they'll chill anything placed next to them. I've ended up with some pretty nasty bruises lately with no recollection of how they got there, so I can only guess that I'm just bruising easy again.

I stay exhausted....bone weary. I'm going stir crazy from being in this house all the time. I'm venturing out tomorrow and though I'm looking forward to it, I'm dreading it also. I'm going with my aunt and with my children so I know if necessary, there will be people there to carry me out. I'm leaving the wheelchair at home. I'd like it to gather dust a bit longer.

These were all my thoughts as I lie in bed this morning. When I finally managed to get up, someone asked me what my plans were for the day. Plans....those things I was able to make once a long time ago. Plans.....the thing it's impossible to make now. Plans......the thing my body trumps. *sigh

I prayed and asked God to help me this morning. The help came in the most unbelievable way. A much needed distraction and once again a show of how wonderful God is.

You see, I have a twin. Not truly a biological twin but it seems she may as well be. I ran across a fellow blogger yesterday evening. When the kids saw a picture of her they exclaimed that she looked just like me. I felt compelled to email her. I found out that I and her little sister share the same name.In addition, my name is often confused with her name! So, I've been called by her name before and she's been called by mine! She compiled these photos today to show our similarities.

I'm sure you can imagine our friends surprise. I actually argued with one friend of mine, insisting that both the above photos were not photos of me. I had to send her over to my new twins blog to prove the point. You can read her thoughts at her blog, The Adventures of Supermom.

She and I have chatted a bit back and forth today. I felt rejuvenated. I felt inspired. How amazing that God could have created two people so similar in appearance and yet so individually unique? How amazing that God would have directed me online to run across her blog and see her picture! I mean really, what are the chances of your happening across one particular blogs out of all those that exist? How beautiful that God anticipated my feelings and thoughts today regarding my health and that he would provide this experience to help lift me out of my funk.

Many of you know that I encourage all my fellow fibromites and others that share chronic pain and health problems to look each day for one beautiful thing. It could be the sound of the rain, the ray of sunlight streaming through the window, the dust dancing in that ray of sunlight. A friend once blogged about how for her, it was a caterpillar. There is always beauty around us. Today, the beauty was in finding a fellow blogger, who lives in my own state, that looks like me.

For My Fibromites

2011-01-07T12:48:00.000-05:00

This is is for all my Fibromites (and those that love a Fibromite).

I was sending an email to a friend of mine and wanted to give her my telephone number. I went to type it and nothing. FibroFog took control. I figured I'd at least give my cell number. Nope, nothing.

I just called my mother, asked her what my home and cell phone number was, wrote it down and put it in my Rolodex under ME/HOME.

Remember Fibromites, you are not alone. We're all in this together and there are people who understand exactly what you are going through.

Fibromites, UNITE!

I serve an AMAZING GOD!!!

2011-01-04T02:21:00.000-05:00

Note: All Hyperlinks are in BLUE and will direct you to another website with more information.

The Great Homeschool Convention is coming up soon. Although I wasn't previously familiar with it, after reviewing their website, I knew I wanted our family to attend.

There are 4 different locations for this convention. Locations are in Cincinnati, Philadelphia, Memphis, and Greenville.

There will be over 225 workshops available. Guest speakers include Cindy Wiggers (Geography Matters), Andrew Pudewa (Institute for Excellence in Writing), Michael Clay Thompson (author), Jim Weiss (Greathall Productions), and many many more!!!

It gets better. There is also a World View Teen Track with topics such as "Being A Thinking Christian in a Silly Culture", "Six Questions to Help You Engage Non-Believers with Truth" and "Why Marriage Matters." This is just a few of the many topics covered!

But wait.....it gets even better!!! Guess who is going to be performing!!! Can you guess?? Will a picture help??

Yep, that's Tim Hawkins!!! Can you believe it?? If you don't know who Tim Hawkins is, then you don't know what you are missing. Check him out here at his website: TimHawkins.net

The cost of registration is very reasonably. The family registration, in addition to Mom, Dad and the kiddos....also includes Grandma and Grandpa!

Yet, as much as I knew we wanted to go, I knew we couldn't afford it. My husband had 3 surgeries in 2010 and our finances took a beating. I was just getting ready to close the website page when I noticed that they have "Working Scholarships". Dad or Mom can volunteer to work at the convention in exchange for their registration. 4 hours of work equals one convention day whereas a 6 hour shift equals the entire convention. Only one parent need volunteer and the entire family benefits!

So, I started thinking about this. I wanted our whole family to attend. Yet, how could we work this? With my own health issues and our 4 year old's special needs (read about him here), how would we do while Dad was volunteering? Pook (4 year old) and myself could stay at the hotel while Dad volunteered and the older two children attended the conference. That would leave two more days that we could all attend together. Or, maybe Dad's volunteer shift could be broken up among the three days. If we could schedule his shifts during Pook's nap time, we might just be able to swing it.

So, with hope and prayer I emailed. Today rolled around and I didn't even get a chance to get around to checking emails until a time I should be sleeping by. The first email I checked was the one regarding our "working scholarship".

As I read the email, tears came to my eyes. I saw once again how God never ceases to care for our needs. Here is a small part of what I read, "A nice lady had to cancel her registration and asked that another family receive her registration......I received her request to give her canceled registration to a needy family right after your email came in!"

And so, after one of those days I just wanted to end and never repeat..............at one of those times where to-do lists and chores seem overbearing..........at one of those times when emotions were running high and the strength to deal with them was running low............the most Amazing, Loving, Considerate, Heavenly Father provided.

I have no idea how we'll make the 3 hour drive in a vehicle that barely contains us all (2001 Ford Ranger XLT for 2 adults, 2 teens and a car seat). This is the same vehicle that breaks down frequently, enjoys staying in neutral despite oncoming traffic, and likes to run hot.

I have no idea how we'll have the funds for a place to stay. My husband's employer keeps closing various days through the week due to lack of orders and no work for employees. That combined with the three surgeries this past year and our depleted bank account.....there just really isn't money for anything beyond necessities.

I have no idea how Pook will do on a lengthy trip or a convention center full of lots of people and multiple rooms.

I have absolutely no idea how any of this will work.

Yet, I do know one thing wholeheartedly and without a doubt. God opened the door for us to attend this convention. If it is His will for us to be there, then He will provide.

I'm not worried, scared, or anxious. Instead........I'm EXCITED! This is one of those situations, where as a human being, we look around at the situation and say, "There is no way this is going to happen". It's in those situations.............when you know you can't make it happen.............that you step back and let God.

It's these situations that allow God to show others how wonderful and loving He truly is.

It's these situations that open doors for those who don't know Christ..........for those who when things seem impossible, they have no hope. It's these situations that can turn a person towards God when they see how He cares for and loves His children.

What situation are you facing today that seems impossible? Are you anxious and stressed about it?? Take a deep breathe. Let your shoulders drop. Roll your head in a circle to relax those shoulder and neck muscles. Take another deep breathe. Now............ LET GO. Let go of the worry. Let go of the stress. Let go of trying to figure it all out. Let go...........and Let God!

Know that God can take your situation...........the one that there seems to be no way..........He can take your situation and make miraculous things happen. He can take your situation and use it to draw others to Him.

Let go and Let God. Be amazed at what He can do. Feel His love as he uses you to reach out to his lost sheep. And, praise Him every single step of the way!

2011-01-04T02:01:00.004-05:00

Cymbalta?? BEWARE!!!

2011-01-02T21:29:00.001-05:00

For those of you who have spoke to me in the last week or so, you may have noticed that somethings not quite right. Well, it's not.

Several months ago, I was fortunate enough to temporarily have two health insurances. I saw a new rheumotologist and was prescribed several medications, one of which is Cymbalta. Cymbalta is regularly prescribed to help treat the pain associated with Fibromyalgia as well as nerve pain in those with diabetes. The effects of the Cymbalta, along with the other new meds I started, were quickly noticable. There were a lot of negative side effects the first month, but they eventually tapered off. My pain decreased and my mobility increased, both big pluses. After so long in such intense pain, it was a nice change. I noticed that emotionally I seemed to be shut off, but the relief was worth it to me at that point in time.

My circumstances changed and I no longer had two insurance policies to cover my prescriptions. I had to stop my meds since we could not afford to refill them. The first to go was a medication that was created to lower blood pressure. It was prescribed to me for my Reynaud's Phenomena and worked fabulously! My hands and feet improved almost immediately! I noticed the changes when I quit taking the med after only two days. I was saddened to have the pain, tingling, stinging and other sensations return to my hands and feet.

The next med to go was the Cymbalta. I begin to taper myself off of it since I figured anything that messes with brain chemicals probably shouldn't be stopped cold turkey. Yet, no matter how I tried to gradually wean myself, it seemed it wasn't gradual enough. I only had a limited supply of meds so I had to wean or would be faced with quitting cold turkey.

Weaning myself off Cymbalta has been worse then when I got clean as a teenager from illegal drugs and alcohol. It's been worse then nicotine and caffeine withdrawl. I almost feel at times that I'm dying. The thing is, it's not really a physical problem that's driving me crazy. Sure, the pain has increased quickly and tremendously. Some days I know my pain is worse then when I started taking the Cymbalta! But, it's the other "stuff" going on that is making everything so unbearable. Below is a list of what I'm experiencing:

Nasuea

Extreme food swings: Feeling of starving one minute and repulsed by food the next

Intense dreams

Waking and having no idea where I am

Complete disconnect at times that makes me think maybe I'm really in the hospital in a coma or highly medicated for some reason

Disorientation....it's hard to explain but it's almost like suddenly, my brain is shot full of electrical impulses and goes instantly dead. It then resets and I can continue on.

Dizziness

Inability to walk or balance self

Intense "fluttering" in ears. Feels like something is inside my ears and vibrating/fluttering rapidly and forcefully.

Twitches in body, face, eyes, mouth, even my tongue twitches.

Inability to spell, type, write, etc (this is taking me at least 25 times longer then normal)

Extreme emotions and feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, rage, confusin, fear, sadness, etc

Extreme agitation and restlessness.....I feel like I HAVE to do something but when I get up to do something it seems that nothing will work!

Memories of past events with full and complete recollection. When it happens, the entire event is clear to me....smells, breezes, colors, everything as if I'm in that moment. (If a drug that did just that could be invented there would be one huge market for it)

Lack of concept of time

Complete memory loss of some events happening during the day

Losing composure (crying that completely comes out of nowhere and won't stop....also laughing, rage, and other emotions that seem to come out of nowhere and completely dominate me)

Tremors, loss of muscle strength

Bowel issues (no detail required)

Flucating temperatures.....freezing to burning up to freezing again.

Sense of.....well, I'm not sure how to put it. It's like I'm consciously aware in the back of my mind somewhere that I'm conscious, but everything seems so surreal that it doesn't seem possible.

I could go on and on but another one of the issues I'm having is I forget what I wrote as soon as I wrote it. So, I have to keep scrolling back up to see what I wrote. I also lose the thoughts before I can put them down.

Tonight I decide to do some research cause quite frankly, I was getting downright scared! Come to find out, many many many people are complaining about similar withdrawl issues! They even have nicknames for some of the issues, like "Brain Zap". Realizing that these type of withdrawl symptoms are typical is quite a wake up to me. Sure, temporarily I didn't mind the lack of emotional disconnect if it meant a decrease in the extreme pain I'd been experiencing. The pain had lasted so long and been so intense I had to have some kind of relief. However, if this medication routinely and typically causes these types of withdrawl symptoms.........what exactly did this stuff do to me when I was on it?? What long term side effect will there be?? How long will I have to go through this withdrawl?

I want to let all my fellow Fibromites know.................if you to are taking this med.............please don't stop it immediately! I can't imagine how horrible it must be to stop cold turkey. I thought the initial side effects were bad, but had I known this was what I would face now, I'd have never taken this stuff!

I know that without medications I'm headed down a nasty road. However, I'm happy to be off Cymbalta no matter what relief it gave me. I'll take the nasty road that I must travel ............. but it's gonna be with my own emotions, my own thoughts, my own brain..........not this jumbled, twisted, electrically zapped brain these withdrawl symptoms has put me through.

All prayers are gratefully appreciated!!